How to Celebrate Thanksgiving Like a Marsh

What are your Thanksgiving traditions? Hot cider while gathered around the fireplace? A card game with all of the cousins? Laughing at how much Uncle Steve can eat in one day? Getting shooed out of the kitchen while grandma makes her secret pumpkin pie?

Ah, yes! Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to relax with your family, enjoy a large home cooked meal, and simply be together.

The Marsh family…we used to have Thanksgiving at home too. We used to congregate at our grandparent’s house for the full day, and create memories. We would watch the Macy’s Day Parade on TV and bake pies and enjoy a carved turkey at the dining room table. And even though no one in our family has much culinary talent (see, Dad, I told you I would put it nicely), we still all tried our best (with a little help from Stove Top)(and Campbell’s)(and Hungry Jack instant mashed potatoes).

Then came Thanksgiving 2003.

We were all sitting in the living room chatting and laughing and catching up, when someone noticed smoke filling the room.

What the…?

We ventured into the kitchen, where my grandma’s famous (three ingredients, all from a can) green bean casserole sat charred front and center of the oven. After some damage control, fire extinguisher action, tears, and jokes, the incident was lain to rest and we somehow made it through Thanksgiving without the famous green bean casserole (that everyone fed to the dog anyway) we had come to expect.

I refer to this year as The Year the Cooking Stopped.

Every Thanksgiving from then on out my grandma had a new secret recipe, and its name was Ukrop’s take-out.

Each year after that, we had our annual White House rolls, mass-produced cornbread stuffing, and rainbow cookies.

This went on for a little while. Every Thanksgiving I would browse social media and see all of my friends’ pictures: tables and plates piled high with homemade Fall time comfort foods. To which I would look down on my plate and see things like this:

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Then came 2013, the year I refer to as The Year the Grocery Store Thanksgiving Stopped.

We made a difficult decision. We felt that takeout had run its course, and home cooked meals were an option we had all long given up on. We decided…to not celebrate Thanksgiving at home anymore at all.

But instead, we picked up the phone and made reservations.

No dishes, no grocery shopping, no slaving over a hot stove, no almost-house-fires.

No warmth.

No cozy feelings.

No fireplaces.

No post-meal naps.

No leftovers.

No teasing Uncle Steve about going back for his typical third piece of pie.

Just a plate of whatever’s on the prix-fixe Thanksgiving Day menu. Conversation punctuated by water and bread basket refills. Tearing employees away from their families on Thanksgiving so that they can serve us.

But if I can catch the table at just the right time, with all of the servers and hosts and table tents out of the picture, I can almost convince people that we cooked at home this year.

Make America American Again

Well, we’ve had a week to settle into the election results.

From what I’ve gathered over the past few days, there are a handful of people disgruntled about Donald Trump winning the election. But frankly, I can’t understand why. For almost two years (plus the many, many years before!) we’ve learned about his foolproof strategies, practical opinions, and wholesome business operations.

But if any of you still need a recap on why this is the greatest thing to happen in American history (excluding the time Christopher C. founded our great land! What would we have done without him, that hero!), I have some reminders that you may not have considered.

Old White Man Lives Matter

Friends, let’s not forget that Barack Obama (a black man!) has been in office for EIGHT YEARS. Eight years, folks. That’s eight full years without a white man in charge; at this point, white men are feeling a little overlooked, and let’s not forget that their feelings matter. They want to rule the country too, you know, and after eight years it’s their turn. To think, we almost let a woman take that from them.

Make America American Again

Argh, is anyone else sick of all the growing diversity in this country!? Hispanics, Native Americans, Asians, Muslims…my gosh, I can feel my cultural awareness rapidly expanding as we speak! Make it stop! We need to do everything we can to reclaim our country to its original inhabitants.

When Christopher Columbus first set foot here in the 1400s, he didn’t say, “Hey, looks like there are a lot of Indians here. That’s great for diversifying the country. Here are some blankets as a peace offering and to keep you warm.”

No! He filled those blankets with white person diseases, because, hey, what were those Indians doing trying to take over our country?

He loves me…he loves me not…

Donald Trump got a lot of flack for his inconsistencies during the election season. Do you have a plan for tax reforms? You don’t? Oh, you do but you’re keeping it a secret? Are you actually a Democrat? A Republican? Are you pro-life? Pro-choice? Pro-life? Do you support gay marriage? You don’t? Oh, you do? Now you don’t?

Aren’t we fortunate that we’ll have a president willing to change his mind based on what his people want? Isn’t that the mark of a dedicated leader, someone who listens to his country and alternates his beliefs in order to remain popular? I can tell you this, we can look forward to one very adaptable presidency!

Does this wall mean…what I think it means?

Donald Tru—I mean, President Trump! Wants to build a wall around the Mexican border to inhibit anyone from taking initiative to a better life in America.

I know, I know; once we eliminate Mexico, everyone is worried about what will happen to places like Chipotle and Taco Bell after this wall is built. But if you recall, Mr. Trump took this picture of himself eating a taco bowl, saying that he “loves Hispanics!” So while the people will be gone (finally some job security around here!), I have a feeling that fresh guac and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos will still be widely available! Who wants to celebrate with a frozen margarita?

You’re FHired!

Reality TV is a huge part of American culture. In fact, it’s basically all we watch anymore. And frankly all that really matters because gosh, the news is boring.

No way would I ever trust anyone in the Oval Office who doesn’t have experience in the reality television world. Even better if it’s someone who created superficial business objectives and got to publicly fire people during every show. And mercifully, our future president has over ten seasons of reality show experience (Apprentice fans, whaddup!) If anyone has doubts about Donald Trump and his ability to lead the United States of America, I suggest looking up the show. I recommend starting with the episode where the contestants had to create a promotional figure for Dairy Queen (you won’t believe what they came up with!)

Women’s Wrongs, Am I Right?!

Ladies, I am so proud of us. Can I just say that, as a woman, for one second? I’m so proud of us. We can vote, we can own land, we can even wear pants without anyone batting an eye. AND, we’ve taken control over our bodies. It’s 2016, and it’s not acceptable for any man to grab us at their leisure, or kiss us whenever they find us attractive.

Unless, of course, that man is rich and powerful. Money excuses all actions. Things that would be inappropriate for a normal individual to do are actually fine if he has enough money and authority. If you ever forget that, ladies, just remember who your president is!

Miss Piggy

I would be remiss to not mention a couple of controversial things that Trump said during his career. I think, if everyone has been following the debates, we all remember the “Miss Piggy” incident. A Miss Universe winner, Alicia Machado, won the pageant contest in 1996. Months after the pageant, she resurfaced 40lbs heavier. Then the owner of the Miss Universe contest, Donald Trump called her out for her shift in weight by referring to her as “Miss Piggy” and telling the media that obviously she’s “somebody that likes to eat.”

Guys, Miss Universe has one job and one job only. And that job is to remain thin and pretty so as to make other women in the world feel bad about their flaws.

And she failed.

And as a failure, she was completely susceptible to people’s criticisms. Trump took advantage of this, calling her Miss Piggy (get it? Because she had gained weight, much like a pig? But that’s also the name of a female pig Muppet, so the insult has double meaning). And now everyone is all upset about him calling her out for her weight. But you know, if she had kept her one promise to the people of this planet, she wouldn’t have to face his critical jabs. The truth hurts sometimes, guys.

So, can we all agree to stop with these protests and anti-Trump rallies?

Friends, let’s bring this country back to how our Founding Fathers intended. Sexist, racist, and most accommodating to the wealthy. Don’t you want America to be great again?

 

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Election Day

Well, tomorrow is Election Day. Tomorrow, all of the political ads will finally go away and we get to decide who our president will be for the next four years. Now, this has been a hot election season and many people may not be a huge fan of the two presidential candidates. Perhaps some people think one is a bit untrustworthy. Perhaps some people think one has no respect for minorities. Perhaps some people think one has a shady political history. Perhaps some people think one has no idea what he (I mean, he or she) is doing.

So, if you’re one of those people, I’ve compiled a list of the Top 40 alternative candidates to write-in on your ballot tomorrow.

  • Kevin Spacey
  • Oprah’s best friend Gayle
  • David Sedaris
  • Al Roker
  • Pizza rat
  • Bernie
  • Obama again
  • A piñata
  • Bill Nye
  • The tooth fairy
  • Me
  • Ben or Jerry
  • The ghost of Harambe
  • Ellen
  • Sydney, my mom’s 15-year-old Australian shepherd
  • Nick Offerman
  • Nick Offerman’s mustache
  • Bagel the Beagle
  • Kim Possible
  • Judge Judy
  • Ken Bone
  • Ken Jennings
  • A Ken doll
  • Ken’s brand ranch dressing
  • Uncle Jesse
  • That dancing baby from the 90’s
  • The guy who did the “You’ve Got Mail” voice
  • Omarosa from season 1 of The Apprentice
  • Austin Powers
  • Siri
  • The kid I babysat in high school who collected her bloody nose tissues and put them in a tupperware container under her bed
  • Either of the Olsen twins (or both)
  • The soup Nazi
  • Toucan Sam
  • Any of the Ninja Turtles
  • George Foreman
  • Bob Barker (the side of him who cares about everyone spaying or neutering their pets, not the side of him who sleeps with Bob’s Beauties)
  • Correction: Bob Barker (the side of him who cares about everyone spaying or neutering their pets, not OR the side of him who sleeps with Bob’s Beauties)
  • Archer
  • Steve Buscemi’s character from Fargo

 

Good luck at polls tomorrow, guys! Don’t forget to vote!