The Full House Drinking Game

We all remember those wacky yet lovable Tanners, the nonconventional family who’s just trying to do their day to day best in the fast-paced world of San Francisco. They loved each other like a normal family, they had conflict like a normal family, and they always managed to resolve their issues at the end of each episode with some tender communication and gentle background music.

Now pair your favorite unrealistic nuclear family with your beverage of choice, and enjoy the show in an entirely new way.

Please note: this game is designed only for the original Full House, not the complete embarrassment of a sequel series, Fuller House.

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Take a sip when …

• Stephanie says “How rude”
• Michelle says “You got it dude”
• Uncle Jesse says “Have mercy”
• Joey says “Cut it out”
• And take another sip if he says it while doing the classic “cut it out” hand gesture
• Nicky and Alex say something that the writers definitely thought would be cute but only comes out as forced and unrealistic but they decided to keep it in anyway because young kids are probably really difficult to work with
• Kimmy says “Hola Tannerinos!” even though she obviously failed Spanish
• Uncle Jesse and Becky get in a fight
• Uncle Jesse and Becky make out
• The Olsen twins appear on-screen at the same time
• You cry after Steve and DJ break up, because, yeah she was too smart for him but wtf
• The men find a reason to dress up as women because that was the height of comedy in the ’90s
• Steve Urkel makes a guest appearance
• Little Richard makes a guest appearance
• One of the Beach Boys makes a guest appearance
• DJ develops an eating disorder, because let’s face it, she is a little chubby for her age
• Danny Tanner talks DJ out of her eating disorder and all it takes is three minutes and some soft music
• One of the men tries to do something athletic and fails miserably
• Uncle Jesse has a mullet
• Uncle Jesse doesn’t have a mullet (whew)
• One of the girls wears a side ponytail
• Joey does an impression of Popeye
• Joey does an impression of Bullwinkle
• The family does something together that most people usually do by themselves (like go to the gym, or to prom)
• DJ has anxiety about getting into college when we all know she’s obviously going to get in because she’s smart and also the writers would never let anything bad like that happen
• Kimmy gets wasted!
• DJ gets mad at Kimmy for getting drunk, which she says is because of her mom’s death at the hand of a drunk driver, but we all know it was because DJ wanted to get drunk too
• Comet makes an appearance, the dog who ultimately ends up being the first Air Bud
• Uncle Jesse says something about Elvis
• Uncle Jesse pretends to be Elvis
• But we all forgive him immediately because he’s just so sexy
• DJ tries to bring a horse into the house hoping no one will notice, which seems outrageous but in DJ’s defense it’s Full House and anything is possible
• Speaking of anything being possible, take a sip when Joey flies a plane (!??!?!) so Jesse can jump out of on his wedding day because he’s that afraid of commitment

Take a shot when …

• You start to get feelings for Uncle Jesse
• You start to get feelings for Aunt Becky
• You start to get feelings for Viper
• DJ marries her sort of cousin
• Michelle gives her new fish a bath like an idiot
• Joey does something that a grown man should not be doing, like wearing footie pajamas unironically
• One of the daughters does something really dramatic, like drive a car through the house or drop the TV off of the second floor balcony, and Danny Tanner forgives her way more quickly than a normal parent would
• There’s a dream sequence, giving the writers freedom to make the plot line even more cheesy and fatuous. Additional shot optional but recommended
• One of the men tries to do something domestic and fails miserably (like change a diaper, do the laundry) because we all know a man trying to do something that usually a woman does is comedy gold!
• DJ tries to wear makeup for the first time and looks RIDICULOUS and this is the moment that we realize she’ll never be cool
• Joey does really terrible stand-up comedy but still kills it on stage
• There’s a subtle reference to Jesse and Joey’s romantic feelings towards one another

Pour one out for …

• Kimmy Gibbler when she comes in and everyone looks annoyed and you start to realize that her home life must be really hard if she’s over at the Tanner’s house all the time and even they don’t like her and so pour one out for Kimmy because you know as an adult she’s in a lot of therapy
• Danny Tanner when he starts maniacally cleaning something because he obviously has undiagnosed yet severe OCD, likely triggered by the sudden death of his wife and resulting residual trauma of having to balance a career while raising his three children
• Jesse and the Rippers, the band formed by Uncle Jesse that was never all that successful and as a matter of fact only had one song, called “Forever,” which was ripped off from the Beach Boys
• Stephanie’s “bad girl” friend Gia who smokes in the school bathroom and definitely has some repressed daddy issues
• The baby Gia probably gets pregnant with while she’s still in high school
• The late Mrs. Tanner, whose former existence is barely ever acknowledged
• Vicky, who I will never understand why she and Danny didn’t end up together (aside from the horrific embarrassment they faced on that “Perfect Couple” show that Joey hosted where they learned that they knew nothing about each other) because the whole family seemed way more into her than his original wife
• Anyone who’s currently watching Fuller House right now

 

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A Strongly Worded Letter to My Smoke Detector

Dear Smoke Detector,

Hey, it’s me, Rachel. We haven’t been officially introduced, but I’m the newest tenant in the home in which you guard from fires.

You seem, um – nice. Hope things are … going well up there on the ceiling.

Alright, enough of the pleasantries.

I think you know what this letter is about.

No, it’s not about last night when I was trying to make dinner and you went off. It’s not about the night before when I was trying to make dinner and you went off. It’s not even about the night last week when I made popcorn in the microwave and you went off.

This letter is in reference to the fact that every single time I cook you find it necessary to go off.

Whenever I so much as brush by the stove top, you instantly perk up and notify everyone in the near vicinity that there’s DEFINITELY A FIRE AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

I may not be the most skilled in the kitchen, but I’m certainly not at the set-the-smoke-alarm-off-every-time-I-cook level.

Not anymore, at least.

You know, I’m just going to say it: you take your job too seriously.

I understand that you don’t really have a lot to do up there most of the time. Especially after those fresh set of batteries that you just got, you must be feeling particularly sharp and alert (thank you, by the way, for being so vocal about needing replacement batteries, that wasn’t disruptive at all).

And maybe you feel a little underappreciated up there all alone, with your one very specific and very rarely utilized job. And I do understand that whenever you do go off, your efforts are immediately met with bad words and yelling.

In my opinion, and I apologize if this seems a little harsh, but I feel that you are completely overreacting. Perhaps your behavior is merely a cry for attention, but I need you to know that this is NOT the way to go about it.

If this behavior continues, I fear that my upstairs landlord will in turn write me a strongly-worded letter about the consistent disruption between the hours of 6:30 and 8:30 p.m., because this undoubtedly seems like my fault. He will then inevitably point out the obvious: if I can’t prepare a basic meal without setting off the smoke detector, I’ll never be able to learn how to cook, maintain a healthy lifestyle, own a home, sustain a successful career, support a long-lasting relationship, raise a family, achieve any amount of personal growth, and have any sort of overall success in life at all.

So, please take the advice that the elderly have been giving young children for years: it’s better to be seen than heard, especially when there’s not a fire.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a letter to my shower about its infuriating hesitancy to warm up in a reasonable amount of time.

I’m starting to think I should find a new apartment.

Uh – anyway. I hope you are well.

Best regards,

Rachel D. Marsh

P.S. Please don’t do the passive aggressive thing where if there’s a real fire you don’t alert me because you’re upset about this letter. That’s just mean, and I guarantee you’ll feel guilty about it later.

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