You Are Cordially Invited to Rachel’s Second Annual 29th Birthday! (Get it?)

Okay, so, I’m actually turning 30, but due to the societal expectations that turning 30 entails – with at least a dozen things that I feel like I should have gotten done at this point and haven’t even come close to (including but not limited to: buying a house, getting married, sending out Christmas cards with my new husband and our adopted cat that say something like “Meowy Christmas,” driving a car different from the one I had in college, paying for my own Netflix account, starting a Pinterest board, and posting to my Instagram page at least one inspirational quote written against the backdrop of a beach) – I had the idea to instead celebrate my 29th birthday again.

I’ll probably keep doing this “annual 29th birthday” bit until around 36 or 37, in which case I’ll give in to my real age because I’ll be in my late 30’s, and by then fake pretending to still be in my 20’s will just be sad, to the point where even my most forgiving friends won’t be able to pretend to laugh anymore.

Until of course, I turn 40 – and at that point, I’ll have my second annual 39th birthday, forgetting that I originally made the same ten joke years prior, while all of my friends politely chuckle at my wit while secretly feeling sorry for me that I didn’t accomplish as much as I should have by my 40th year (including but not limited to: buying a house, getting married, cat, Christmas cards, Pinterest, etc).

I’ll continue this cycle until my 60th birthday, in which case I won’t care anymore because I’ll either 1) have the unfiltered confidence of a late middle-aged woman and will finally come to peace with my age because at the end of the day, who really cares about that? or 2) have no sense of humor anymore, even an unoriginal one.

Anyway, you are all cordially invited to join me for my second annual 29th birthday.

Which is secretly my 30th, but please don’t spread that around.

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Sorry not sorry Yvette

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My “Before I Turn 30” Bucket List

Someone recently asked me if I had a “Before I Turn 30” bucket list.

First of all, no I don’t.

Second of all, that sounds like a great idea that you could have asked me about 20 years ago.

However, if I had to guess what would have been on that bucket list, I think it would’ve looked something like this…

Things I want to accomplish before the age of 30:

  • Appear on Oprah
  • Run a marathon
  • Publish a book with a foreword by J.K. Rowling
  • Water ski
  • Ride a camel through a Spanish desert
  • Go on a safari in Africa
  • Learn another language
  • Join the Peace Corps
  • Trek the Inca Trail
  • Become a famous ballerina (on the list from 5-year-old me)
  • Hike Mount Everest
  • Adopt a child from a third world country to bring them out of the poverty that they would otherwise face
  • Fly in a hot air balloon over the Swiss Alps
  • Shake hands with a president (present company excluded)
  • Go camping in the Alaskan countryside and witness Northern Lights
  • Bungee jump in the Grand Canyon
  • Learn how to play the piano
  • Learn ballroom dancing
  • Marry Aladdin (5-year-old me again)
  • Jump off a waterfall in New Zealand
  • Get a Ph.D.
  • Take a gondola ride in Venice
  • Ride on the back of a hunky Italian’s moped
  • Mentor a child and make a difference in their life!
  • Swim in the beaches of Hawaii
  • Learn sign language
  • Learn how to knit
  • Airboat across an alligator-infested swamp
  • Attend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
  • Get married in a mid-century European castle

 

Unfortunately, I never did make a pre-30 bucket list, so none of those things happened. On a more optimistic note, though, here’s a list of…

Things I actually accomplished before the age of 30:

  • Born
  • Got my first kiss!
  • Met a Power Ranger
  • Sort of learned how to juggle
  • Visited the Outer Banks
  • Read over 25 Babysitter’s Club books
  • Convinced Cheeburger Cheeburger to let me participate in the Pounder Challenge with veggie burgers
  • Graduated from a bunch of different places, including college and Greenfield Elementary School
  • Went apple picking that one time
  • Started wearing colored contacts
  • Stopped wearing colored contacts
  • Adopted a fish
  • Accidentally lived in a cult
  • Ran with the bulls (in Petersburg, but whatever)
  • Saw the Pope
  • Fed a monkey on the side of the road˙
  • Got a tattoo that means absolutely nothing
  • Tried stand-up comedy
  • Saw Levar Stoney at a bar
  • Taught my dad how to send a text message
  • Held a koala
  • Learned how to drive a stick shift
  • Kissed the Blarney Stone
  • Rode an elephant
  • Flew first class twice, both times on accident
  • Sang Chop Suey in public
  • Called out of work to go sandboarding

Now to get started on that pre-40 bucket list.

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New Year, New Blog

The New Year is here (11 days ago) and that can only mean one thing (for this single blog who has nothing else to think about but itself): what to write about in 2018.

My ideas are beginning to run dry after having started this blog 5 years ago. I’ve already covered my former life as a barista, my thoughts on Valentine’s Day, why I think Donald Trump was the right person to take office, the looming demise of my CR-V, the time I almost got dine-and-dashed, and the rigorous plight of my vegetarianism.

But I’ve come up with a list of potential posts, which I’d like to share.

I will a accept feedback and votes, and shortly will open the polls for my mom and the three other people who read this.


  • What the World Is Going to Be Like at the Age of 30
  • Should I Grow a Mustache for Movember?FullSizeRender
  • What It’s Like to Be a Former Blonde
  • Why Can’t I Ever Spell “Triscuit” Correctly the First Time?
  • Texas Pete vs. Cholula (seriously, I can’t decide)
  • Poached vs. Soft-boiled (seriously, I can’t decide)
  • Crunchy vs. Smooth (seriously…)
  • Shop at Walmart vs. Starve to Death (no, but seriously)
  • “I Used to Want a Pony When I Was a Kid, but Now I Don’t at All!” Subtitled: Life Is so Crazy Sometimes
  • The Last 25 Things I Googled
  • The Last 25 Things I Bought on Amazon
  • What It’s Like to Be My Roommate
  • “Do I Need to Start Thinking About Retirement?” Subtitled: Why Did I Say That Stupid Thing to My Crush in College, and Other Things That Keep Me up at Night
  • What Earth Day Means to Me (please vote for this one, because I already wrote it in sixth grade so it would save me a lot of time)photo 3
  • Famous People I’ve Met, Like Tig Notaro and the Green Power Ranger
  • Famous People Who Signed My Cast, Like Tig Notaro and the Green Power Ranger
  • Movies I’ve Watched Just to Feel Smarter
  • “The Weird Noise My Car Is Making.” Subtitled: I Know I Should Just Get Another One, Shut Up
  • Things on My “Before 30” Bucket List That I Definitely Didn’t Accomplish
  • “Bananagrams.” Subtitled: Other Useless Things I’m Pretty Good At
  • The Time in Amsterdam When I Went to Bed at 5:30 p.m.
  • Hangover Cures When You Don’t Eat Bacon: A Guide for Vegetarians
  • Do I Really Ever Need to Learn How to Use a Lawnmower?
  • Movies I’ve Never Seen That Everyone Says “You’ve Never Seen It?!” When I Tell Them I’ve Never Seen It
  • The Time I Went to the Wendy Williams Show
  • “Pillow Drool.” Subtitled: And Other Things You Probably Don’t Want to Know About Me
  • The Time I Thought I Could Get Rid of My Bangs By Just Cutting The Hair Off at the Root
  • The Time I Ate 53 Papa John’s Pepperoncinis in an Hour Because of a Dare
  • The Three Wishes I Would Make If a Genie Came Out of a Lamp
  • Things I Use Way Past Their Expiration Date
  • Things I Eat Way Past Their Expiration Date
  • “The Time I Wrote a Fake Article About South of the Border and It Went Viral” Subtitled: We Used to Vacation There When I Was a Kidtrump-team-starts-wall-at-south-of-the-border
  • Why I Think Donald Trump Might Have Alzheimer’s
  • Why I Hate Shopping Villages
  • 30 Fun Facts! Including How I Used to Eat Snow Cones Without the Syrup!
  • Lukewarm Coffee Is Always Better Than Hot Coffee
  • The Time I Cried at Cracker Barrel