R.I.P. Toys-R-Us

You may have heard the news. No, they’re not going out of business yet. But if you’ve heard the updates on the news, you know the end of Toys-R-Us will soon be upon us.

Because let’s be honest, if a kids aren’t getting their toys off of Amazon these days, they’re at the most going to go to Walmart or Target. They wouldn’t even recognize Geoffrey () if he had an armload of iPads shaped like fidget spinners.

But back in my day, Amazon was a river I misspelled on my geography tests and the idea of getting a toy from Walmart was beneath me. Toys-R-Us was a dream destination, and to say that I have extremely fond memories of it is a drastic understatement.

For example, I absolutely must start with the tale of the amazing

Child-Sized Battery-Powered Cars

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re either in your late 40’s, or you were one of those kids that watched PBS for fun. Toys-R-Us had a display of these cars that were…well, child-sized and battery-powered. They would go as fast as – what I thought at the time was at least the equivalent of a suburban speed limit – but what really was around 2.5 mph.

We never got one, no matter HOW many times we asked. But the second we walked into the store, my brothers and I would trample kids over and shove aside shopping carts just to get to the car section. Then when we had to leave, we would beg and plead and try to extend our time for as long as possible.

And as we were getting dragged out by our feet, we told our parents how lucky they were that they got their own car to drive whenever they wanted.

My second story is going to be an obvious one, because what “childhood memory of Toys-R-Us” blog post would be complete without a narrative about

Christmas Shopping

Certainly not this one.

Every year, a few weeks following up to Christmas, my dad would load me and my brothers up in the car for our sibling Christmas shopping trip. The sibling Christmas shopping trip would go like this:

• We’d each go to our respective sections (me: the girl section for anything Polly Pocket or Beanie Baby, them: the boy section for dumb boy stuff).
• We would then decide on a variety of toys suitable to open on the big day.
• Our dad would come to our section, take notes on our selection, and find the other siblings to let them know.
• The other siblings would then pick out what toy they wanted to give as a gift.
• Then we’d all go do what we had wanted to since we arrived (the car section), and drive around until it was time to leave.

My dad, of course, paid for all of the gifts we gave to each other. Which is perhaps what I miss most about this scenario.

The next story is one of hope and inspiration. It’s a story about

The Time My Dad Almost Got a Job at Toys-R-Us

One evening, when I was in third grade, my dad came home after work and told us that his company had gotten bought out. That meant that everyone there was going to lose their job, including him. Not realizing the implications of a job loss (poverty, homelessness, us having to use our own allowance to buy Christmas presents), I deemed the announcement as fantastic news.

Now he could finally be an employee at Toys-R-Us like I had always dreamed.

I told him the good news, eager for this whole “job loss” to be behind us and the free toys to start flowing.

He appreciated my advice, but unfortunately never got around to picking up an application. Shortly after the company buy-out, he found another job at a nearby insurance company.

But instead of unlimited toys, he does my taxes, which I suppose worked out in the end.

So, in unrelated news, I don’t know how to do sidebars on this blog. But if I did, this story (well, less of a story and more of a “thank you, Toys-R-Us”) would be a

Sidebar

When I was an au pair in Australia, I had to find ways every day to entertain a three-year-old. When I ran out of ideas, or grew sick of feeding those scary ass ducks, we would go to Toys-R-Us. I could sit on my phone and text all of my cool Australian friends, while she would look at and touch all of the dolls and stuffed animals (that she didn’t know that were supposed to come out of the box). Thank you, Toys-R-Us. So

In Conclusion

Toys-R-Us, this one goes out to you. I’m eternally disappointed that one day soon (just being realistic here) you’ll be shutting your doors forever. I know I don’t frequent your establishment very often (well, since 1998), but it’s a shame all of my children that I don’t want to have will only see toy shopping through the screen of a computer and never know the joy of a Toys-R-Us trip.

Thank you for all of the memories.

And more importantly, the stuff.

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There’s Just No Funn After the Summer Ends

Well, friends, summertime is winding down. Which is sad for a lot of reasons. For example, it’s going to start getting cold. The days will be getting shorter. I can’t call out of work to go to the pool.

But it’s really sad because the end of summer means that baseball season in Richmond is over.¹

I attended the last Flying Squirrels game of the year on Labor Day as a way to say goodbye, I’ll miss you, and thanks for the memories. Also because I had nowhere else to be. And the Big Gulp sized beers.

I’ve been frequenting the Squirrels games more and more each summer, and these events have slowly started to become one of my favorite summertime activities.

And if they’re not yours, well…let me try to convince you otherwise.

This is the closest thing to a sports team Richmond has

We don’t have a national football team². No major league baseball to watch. No NBA all-stars. Go to any sports bar and everyone is cheering for a different team. Guys, the Flying Squirrels is all we have. Well, I guess we have college sports (RIP Shaka) and the Richmond Rough Riders (I know, I had to Google it too).

They’ve given us something to debate over

Do you ever feel like Richmond is a little too cordial? That everyone gets along a little too well? Thankfully a few years ago, the debate over whether to move the stadium to Shockoe Bottom or just keep it where it is caused a whole stir among the city. It created a division among friends, neighbors, and immediate family members. A lot of relationships were ruined, because why would you associate with someone who disagrees with your viewpoint to move the stadium downtown?³

They’ve given us something else to debate over that I just thought of

Does anyone really know why the word “fun” in their slogan, “Have Funn, Go Nuts” is spelled wrong? Is it a typo? Is that the Olde English way of spelling it? Is it because of their phone number in letter form spells “funn”? No one knows! Let the argumennts continnue!

The games are really funn

Ha! Just a little humor I thought I’d throw in. But really, the games are a good time. Plus…

Those wacky mid-inning games keep you on the edge of your seat!

The Nut Race: will it be John Walnut, Eric Cashew, or Tom Almond⁴!? The t-shirt toss: what rolled up shirt am I not going to win this time!?⁵ Molly Maids plus ‘Nsync?! Never thought I’d see the day.⁶

You never have to worry about the game going into overtime

Unless the other team doesn’t score a run either.

Those exclusive fireworks

I mean, where else in Richmond can you watch 10 minutes of loud but colorful fireworks?⁷

The possibility of a foul ball coming your way is exhilarating

The sound of people screaming “heads up!” after a hit immediately opens the door of possibility. You might grave the ball with your fingertips and have a good story. You might even catch it, for a priceless souvenir. Or you might get hit in the head with a baseball going 90 mph, for the opportunity to sue the Richmond Flying Squirrels for, holy crap, a lot of money.

I get free tickets through work

This is unrelated, but I just like to tell people about this.

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Anyway, that’s about all the reasons I like going to the Squirrels games.

No, just kidding, I of course have to mention the:

32 oz craft beers for only $10 each

Because why would anyone else ever go?

So, farewell to those beloved Flying Squirrels of ours. You’ve provided me with numerous hours of entertainment, funny stories, and hangovers. Farewell to Parney and his weird pants. Farewell to the baseball players whose names I can never remember. Farewell to John Macadamia Nut.

You’ll be on my mind all winter.

See you next spring.

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¹ If you’re thinking that actually, the ending of summer technically doesn’t mean that baseball season is over, that there’s a little thing called “the playoffs;” first of all, stop being such a know-it-all. Second of all, you’ve apparently never seen the Flying Squirrels play.

² Don’t you dare say the Redskins because first of all, what a waste of money for the city and second of all, their training camp is really boring.

Oh, and third of all their name is racist.

³ And anyway, we ended up keeping the stadium where it is. Ha, ha! Oh Richmond!

⁴ I don’t actually know their names. If you do, please advise.

⁵ This is a subtle hint to the Flying Squirrels representatives to give me a free shirt because I have never managed to be in the line of fire during those t-shirt toss things. I mean it’s just not fair.

⁶ AND they manage to clean the field while they’re at it!

⁷ This is not sarcasm, I’m genuinely wondering where. The Squirrels only do it a couple of times a month, I’m wondering if there’s somewhere else I can go to watch fireworks in the meantime.^7.1 

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^7.1 Look, I’m not always sarcastic, and now I’m actually a little offended that you thought I was being rude towards the Flying Squirrels and their fireworks display.^7.1.1 

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^7.1.1 Sorry for my outburst. I’m just a little hungry. Sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.

 

Being a Vegetarian Is Harder Than It Looks

I had the most disappointing sandwich of my life today.

I went to a luncheon for work (at the Boathouse, by the way), where, in addition to collective networking and a panel of educated speakers, they supplied a full spread of gourmet lunch buffet.

Perfect. Delicious. I’m famished.

I found a seat, did some of that networking thing, then made my way up to the buffet. I got a little bit of regular salad, a handful of grapes, and an apple. Then I approached the sandwich section of the buffet. My initial thought: whew. What a relief. They have a vegetarian option.

“Whoa, back up,” you’re thinking. Because you might be doing the Cha Cha Slide. Or, perhaps, because you didn’t know I was a vegetarian.

“You’ve never talked about it, bragged about it, or tried to convert me,” you’re also thinking. Because you might be talking to a friend who you just learned is a Scientologist. Or because you never knew I was a vegetarian.

Rewind 12 years ago. I was a senior in high school and I decided to try out the whole “not eating meat thing.” I wanted to see how hard it would be, and if I felt any different. After all, I wasn’t buying my own groceries or cooking for myself, so what better time to try it? (Sorry again, Mom)

Turns out, it wasn’t hard at all and I felt really good.

And so I just never got around to stopping.

It’s not a particularly profound or interesting story. But that’s exactly what happened.

So, fast forward 12 years later. I’m at the Boathouse, being a professional at a professional work event, relieved and, might I say, rather excited, about this vegetarian-option-wrap that they’ve provided.

And then I started to eat the wrap.

I think it would be easier to explain it in ratio form.

• 80% whole wheat wrap
• 9% dry cucumbers
• 7% withered red peppers
• 4% hummus

Leaving 0% for flavor, in case you were keeping track.

Was I disappointed? Yes.

Was I surprised? No.

In my 12 years as a vegetarian, I’ve had my shares of letdowns.

When I first experienced a vegetarian-related disappointment (discrimination), I was in my freshman year of college. My grandparents took me and my cousins to Florida to visit our great-aunt and great-uncle. The first night there, they had packed a picnic dinner to enjoy on the beach. But, missing the memo that I was a vegetarian (or that vegetarians exist, I guess), they served us fried chicken, ham, mini turkey sandwiches, and potato salad with bacon bits (chopped into tiny damn unpickable pieces).

That night for dinner, I had a bag of baby carrots and a sandy pecan cookie.

Vegetarianism: 1, Rachel: 0.

The next incident of vegetarian-related disappointment (discrimination) occurred my sophomore year when I studied abroad in Guatemala. Overall, every restaurant had been pretty accommodating when they found out they had a vegetarian on their hands. But in this particular situation, we had all sat down for lunch, and were one by one receiving our meals. Everyone’s looked amazing: thick tortillas, handmade guacamole, steaming rice, black beans, and mounds of white chicken. Assuming mine would be the same as everyone else’s minus the meat, I was hungrily anticipating what was to come.

Imagine my disbelief when the chefs (who perhaps didn’t know what a vegetarian was?) sent out a plate piled high with nothing but shredded iceberg lettuce.

Vegetarianism: 2, Rachel: 0.

The last example I’d like to give of vegetarian disappoi– no, it’s discrimination. I’m just going to say it. The last example occurred a few years ago, while I was working full time at a local nonprofit. As with any nonprofit, we had a few annual fundraisers to keep our organization…well, nonprofit. On this particular day, we were holding a golf tournament. All of the board members and directors (ie everyone responsible for my salary) were there, and, as one of the few staff members present, it was looking to be a very hectic day.

We had an early catered lunch before the tournament, which was great because I. Was. Starving.

But who was catering, you ask?

Outback Steakhouse, of course.

There’s no need to go into the gritty details, but, in no mood to go hungry for the rest of the day, I ended up piecing together all of the meat-free foods in an innovative manner that would only make a 7-year-old or stoner proud, through the means of a Lays potato chip sandwich.

I sat down with a group and started eating, hoping no one would notice or say anything. Unfortunately, everyone noticed; but based on the seething look I gave the first person who made a comment (“Boy, you just eat what you like, don’t you!”), no one else dared to make fun of my lunch, and I was properly fueled for the rest of the day.

Vegetarianism: 3, Rachel: 0, Guy Who Made Fun of My Sandwich and Avoided Me for the Rest of the Day: -1.

So, in conclusion, I’d like to dedicate this post to all of you vegetarians out there.

For those times that your friends suggest meeting up at a barbecue restaurant for dinner.

For those times that someone at the potluck adds bacon to a previously vegetarian dish.

For those times that people ask you how you live without Chick-fil-A.

For those times that you have to check soup label ingredients for chicken or beef stock.

For those times you have to admit that tofu actually isn’t all that good.

For those times on Thanksgiving when…well…mashed potatoes just don’t cut it.

For those times that the only thing on the menu for you is a side salad and French fries.

For those times that you get a stomach ache from too much hummus.

For those times that the vegetarian option is a dry wrap with wilted vegetables inside.

For all you vegetarians…this one is for you.

The 8 Types of People on Every Guided Tour

Last week, for my brand new professional writer’s job, I was sent to Charlottesville for a work press trip. I’m doing a story on things to do in the city, restaurants to check out, and places to stay.

An employee from the Charlottesville Visitors Bureau set up the daily itinerary for the duration of my stay. She did a great job of creating a balanced mix of activities. Theater, wineries, apple picking, outdoorsy stuff, etc. But…it’s Charlottesville. Where three of the founding fathers resided at one point in their lives. So it’s hard to go there without attending a few historical tours.

Which, was fine, I like history as much as the next guy. I got tours of James Monroe’s plantation, James Madison’s retirement home, and of course Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello.

I learned a lot about their family lives, their presidencies, their achievements…blah, blah, blah. But in between learning about the University of Virginia and the Declaration of Independence, I learned another valuable lesson.

There are a lot of different types of tour-goers.

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The Question-Asker

The Question-Asker generally asks questions that really aren’t at all important. Sometimes the questions aren’t even relevant to the topic at hand. Often the Question-Askers just like to talk as much as possible to hear the sound of their own voice. They usually have a lot of deep-rooted unfulfilled attention-related needs, which are easily met on guided tours.

Pro: Sometimes they ask something that you’re too afraid to ask in fear of sounding stupid.

Con: They extend the tour by a minimum of 30 minutes.

The Know-It-All

The Know-It-All knows more about history than the average person, and sees no reason to keep this fact to themselves. This person is most commonly a retiree who spends much of their extensive free time reading nonfiction books and watching the History Channel. During a tour, the Know-It-All will frequently interject with an interesting fact about the current topic. Sometimes they’ll even finish the tour guide’s sentences.

Pro: You might actually learn something that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

Con: Your tour guide will probably be in a bad mood when they finish the tour.

The Wannabe-Know-It-All

The Wannabe-Know-It-All wishes they knew more about history than the average person, and sees no reason to keep this desire to themselves. In reality, they know a little bit more than most, but want to sound knowledgeable by stating facts or adding to the tour guide’s spiel.

Pro: You’re definitely not the most annoying one on the tour.

Con: This person is almost always wrong and your tour guide definitely be in a bad mood when they finish the tour.

The Side-Commenter

The Side-Commenter has a lot of opinions, but doesn’t actually want to interrupt the tour. So they just keep their comments to themselves. Loudly. Tour Guide: “Dolly Madison had a son named Payne from a previous marriage. And he was a real, well, pain.” Side-Commenter: Hey-o! That’s a convenient coincidence! “Payne gambled away all of James Madison’s money” You gotta be kidding me! “Sold his library of books” Holy crap almighty, really!? “And then moved to Scotchtown, Virginia.” Scotch! Ha! Yum.

Pro: The tour guide usually is either far enough away to not hear the Side-Commenter, or is really good at ignoring them.

Con: JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.

The Bad Listener

The Bad Listener is…well, a bad listener. Often distracted by their own thoughts or something shiny, the Bad Listener tunes out a lot of the tour. However, they hear just enough of it to want to learn more. They reveal their bad listening skills by constantly asking the tour guide about something that was already covered. Example: “So, where did that huge buffalo skin covering the wall come from?” Entire rest of the tour: “Lewis and Clark.”

Pro: You might learn something you yourself tuned out or somehow missed.

Con: If the group also contains a Question-Asker, the tour will take at minimum an extra hour to finish.

The Really Bad Listener

The Really Bad Listener…Does. Not. Want. To. Be. On. This. Tour. You can identify the Really Bad Listener by the person with a consistently glazed-over look on their face. Or, more commonly, the person who hasn’t stopped using their phone since the tour started.

Pro: Unlike the Bad Listener, the Really Bad Listener usually doesn’t care enough to ask any questions during the tour.

Con: You’re probably going to be distracted by their selfies.

The Thorough Tourist

The Thorough Tourist wants to see every bit of the tour. Like the Know-It-All, the Thorough Tourist is usually a retiree with a whole bunch of empty time on their hands. This person generally doesn’t have anywhere else to be, and wants to make sure they see every piece of every bit of every room during the tour. That means furniture corners, picture frames, rug fringes, and wallpaper. Oh, the Thorough Tourist loves wallpaper.

Pro: Um, maybe we all need to slow down and enjoy the details in life once in awhile?

Con: No, actually we just need to get through this tour in a reasonable amount of time.

The Family

The Family…well, is pretty self-explanatory. Yes, yes, we all want to raise smart children exposed to culture and history and knowledge. The problem is, there’s a period in every child’s life when they’re too young to appreciate historical tours but too old to leave in the car. So the rest of the tour-goers have to deal with the bored, uninterested, is-this-over-yet children.

Pro: At least they’re not your kids.

Con: Yeah, but you can’t discipline them.

Solution: Just leave them in the car anyway.

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But hey, friends! Don’t let that deter you! Charlottesville is great. It’s got mountains and restaurants and hiking and shopping and breweries and camping and orchards and theater and wine and bagels and music and history…

 

Don’t Even Think About Breaking Into Our Pool

It’s pool season, which means my apartment complex message board is about to explode with daily complaints.

Rewind: say what?

In case you missed this post, about the wintertime dog poop problem around the area, and this post, about the elephants that live in my building: the apartment complex in which I reside has a community message board for residents to post items for sale, questions about the property, and best of all: complaints.

Which makes for some very rich reading material. Because like I said before, when people feel that they have a voice in the community…they’re going to share it with anyone who listens.

So once the community pool opened on Memorial Day, I was bracing myself for some juicy pool-related grievances. There aren’t enough lounge chairs, the pool is green, some overly-tanned bros are invading the sand volleyball court again, etc.

That’s what I thought, anyway.

But a mere day after the pool opened for the summer, we got, not only a severe complaint, but a solution.

And, for those of you who don’t have the privilege of living in the River Lofts complex, here’s a quick preface: you have to have a fob to get into the pool, and you have to have an amenity pass to stay there.

Back to our post.

5/30/17 9:35 a.m. Ravid Doss*:

I went into the pool area in Cameron Breezeway on Memorial Day and decided to sit by the volleyball court, as the pool was occupied by 5 screaming kids overseen by one person. I watched 3 times as keys/fobs were passed openly to others arriving in the parking area!

The NERVE

Along with other tenants, we all pay for the privalige (sic) of using the pool and it’s being easily abused by others.

Well did you ask to see amenity passes???

I wanted to ask to see amenity passes but that’s not my job.

But Ravid, if you weren’t a resident and you could abuse this pool access, wouldn’t you?

If I wasn’t a resident and I could abuse this pool access, I would. But I usually skip visiting the pools during the holidays to avoid the frustration.

If only we had someone volunteer to sit at the gate on a holiday to check people’s amenity passes and patrol the pool area…

If needed, I’d gladly sit at the gate on a holiday to check amenity passes and patrol the pool area to dissuade this kind of behavior,

Oh, gosh. Above and beyond! But what kind of compensation do you expect?

unpaid!

Am I dreaming?

You have my number. I’d be glad to give up my Saturdays to make sure this abuse ends.

So, to you non-residents out there: consider this your one and only warning if you’re thinking about using the River Lofts pool this summer without an amenity pass.

Ravid Doss is watching.

 

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*Name has been scrambled to protect identity from my three followers.

 

 

Farewell, Crossroads

Well, friends and readers, the day has come. I’ve found a full time job. Which means a whole lot of things, but one of them is that I’ll have to quit my part time job at Crossroads Coffee and Ice Cream.

In all my experience in the service industry, this has easily been the most consistently laidback position I’ve ever worked. I’m going to miss the coworkers, the laughs, and above all, the free coffee. But what I’ll miss more than anything are the regulars.

A 14-year-old coffee shop located in the middle of a neighborhood on a high-traffic road is bound to bring in a lot of regular customers. I would like to take this time to commemorate each of them, but, to protect their privacy from my high profile blog, I’m just going to refer to all of the regulars by their orders instead of their names.

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Cinnamon Raisin Bagel with One Egg Patty and a Side of Grape Jelly

I don’t really understand your breakfast preferences but you are the smiliest person I’ve ever met and are the only white person in my current life who calls me “Miss Rachel.”

Large Iced Coffee in a 24-oz Tervis Tumbler with Refill

This time two years ago, if someone had asked me if it was possible for someone to drink that much coffee in the span of 15 minutes, I would have said no. Thank you for showing me that anything is possible.

Large Coffee and a Cinnamon Chip Scone

It’s pronounced “scone.” NOT “SCON.”

Small Coffee with a Fruit and Yogurt Parfait

You’re shy and sweet and smile a lot, and you always insist on buying something you could just make at home. I will miss our brief interactions, many of which consist of me commenting on your scrubs.

Large Nonfat Decaf Latte

What’s the point?

Egg Sandwich on a Croissant with Pesto

Thank you for the weird cartoon you drew me last year, acknowledging how much you enjoyed the sandwich I made.

Pork Rinds

Hey, lady, I saw you sneaking pork rinds into Crossroads every day. And not buying anything. And getting mad at me whenever I ask you not to bring in outside food because it’s a health code violation. I sure am going to miss you. And your crazy eyes. And your bigoted conversations about gay marriage.

Everything Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese and Avocado

It took me forever to realize…

Egg and Cheese Sandwich on Wheat Bread

…that you two were married.

Large Mocha Smoothie with Whip

I’m sincerely sorry that you dislike your job as a teacher so much. I’m sorry that you have a classroom ratio of 30:1. I agree that the education system is really screwed up. I agree that teachers are treated poorly and severely underpaid. But please stop complaining to your baristas. And for gosh sake’s, tip them once in awhile.

Small Iced Mocha

I look forward to the day when I too can retire and spend my afternoons on the patio of a local coffee shop, wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking cold beverages.

Large Vanilla Chai Smoothie with Whip

I thought you were kind of strange and then I read a local article about you and how you used to fly Black Op helicopters for the army, so now I’m too intimidated to talk to you.

Egg Patty on Gluten Free Bread with a Dry Almond Milk Cappuccino

You are a person that knows what you like, and I have to admire that about you. But please get yourself acquainted with some seasonings. Or some condiments or something.

Southpark Tie Guy

I couldn’t categorize you by your order because you’re wildly inconsistent, but let me just say that your ability to turn any karaoke song into a show tune is something in my life I never thought I would see.

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Farewell, Crossroads. And an extra special farewell to its regulars. You guys drove me crazy and kept me sane all at the same time.

Or was that the constant over-consumption of caffeine?

My Latest Car Inspection Report

Inspection Summary for: MARSH, RACHEL D.

05/09/2017 1:52 PM

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1999 Honda CR-V EX RED

Odometer In: 240966

License: XYY-8047

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Sub Estimate #1

Lube, oil and filter

Labor: $35

Parts: $117.52

Total Taxes: $17.83

Sub Estimate Total: $170.35

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Sub Estimate #2

R&R front disc rotor and alignment

Labor: $57

Parts: $478.98

Total Taxes: $90.05

Sub Estimate Total: $626.03

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Sub Estimate #3

Radiator air shutter

Labor: $125

Parts: $732.60

Total Taxes: $208.75

Sub Estimate Total: $1,066.35

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Sub Estimate #4

Something something something something car terms blah blah blah

Labor: $679

Parts: $2,450.38

Total Taxes: $980.57

Sub Estimate Total: $4,109.95

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Sub Estimate #5

Automatic power steering transmission fluid I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa system flush exchange disc rotors hips don’t lie catalytic converter mmbop oil filter engine replacement.

Labor: $1,975

Parts: $3,050.45

Total Taxes: $778.94

Sub Estimate Total: $5,804.39

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Sub Estimate #6

A voltage regulator, whatever the heck that is

Labor: $480

Parts: $3,728.55

Total Taxes: $752.90

Sub Estimate Total: Call your parents

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Sub Estimate #7

Family vacation to Cancun

Labor: $4,085

Parts: $5,728.55

Total Taxes: $1,752.90

Sub Estimate Total: Your firstborn child

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Sub Estimate #8

Transmission harmonic torque converter module

Labor: A LOT

Parts: We don’t even know if there’s a number for this

Total Taxes: Your rent for a year

Sub Estimate Total: Bankruptcy

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Grand Total All Sub Estimates: the equivalent to your entire college tuition, times three, plus six years of indentured slavery, with an additional $65 service fee.