The Full House Drinking Game

We all remember those wacky yet lovable Tanners, the nonconventional family who’s just trying to do their day to day best in the fast-paced world of San Francisco. They loved each other like a normal family, they had conflict like a normal family, and they always managed to resolve their issues at the end of each episode with some tender communication and gentle background music.

Now pair your favorite unrealistic nuclear family with your beverage of choice, and enjoy the show in an entirely new way.

Please note: this game is designed only for the original Full House, not the complete embarrassment of a sequel series, Fuller House.

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Take a sip when …

• Stephanie says “How rude”
• Michelle says “You got it dude”
• Uncle Jesse says “Have mercy”
• Joey says “Cut it out”
• And take another sip if he says it while doing the classic “cut it out” hand gesture
• Nicky and Alex say something that the writers definitely thought would be cute but only comes out as forced and unrealistic but they decided to keep it in anyway because young kids are probably really difficult to work with
• Kimmy says “Hola Tannerinos!” even though she obviously failed Spanish
• Uncle Jesse and Becky get in a fight
• Uncle Jesse and Becky make out
• The Olsen twins appear on-screen at the same time
• You cry after Steve and DJ break up, because, yeah she was too smart for him but wtf
• The men find a reason to dress up as women because that was the height of comedy in the ’90s
• Steve Urkel makes a guest appearance
• Little Richard makes a guest appearance
• One of the Beach Boys makes a guest appearance
• DJ develops an eating disorder, because let’s face it, she is a little chubby for her age
• Danny Tanner talks DJ out of her eating disorder and all it takes is three minutes and some soft music
• One of the men tries to do something athletic and fails miserably
• Uncle Jesse has a mullet
• Uncle Jesse doesn’t have a mullet (whew)
• One of the girls wears a side ponytail
• Joey does an impression of Popeye
• Joey does an impression of Bullwinkle
• The family does something together that most people usually do by themselves (like go to the gym, or to prom)
• DJ has anxiety about getting into college when we all know she’s obviously going to get in because she’s smart and also the writers would never let anything bad like that happen
• Kimmy gets wasted!
• DJ gets mad at Kimmy for getting drunk, which she says is because of her mom’s death at the hand of a drunk driver, but we all know it was because DJ wanted to get drunk too
• Comet makes an appearance, the dog who ultimately ends up being the first Air Bud
• Uncle Jesse says something about Elvis
• Uncle Jesse pretends to be Elvis
• But we all forgive him immediately because he’s just so sexy
• DJ tries to bring a horse into the house hoping no one will notice, which seems outrageous but in DJ’s defense it’s Full House and anything is possible
• Speaking of anything being possible, take a sip when Joey flies a plane (!??!?!) so Jesse can jump out of on his wedding day because he’s that afraid of commitment

Take a shot when …

• You start to get feelings for Uncle Jesse
• You start to get feelings for Aunt Becky
• You start to get feelings for Viper
• DJ marries her sort of cousin
• Michelle gives her new fish a bath like an idiot
• Joey does something that a grown man should not be doing, like wearing footie pajamas unironically
• One of the daughters does something really dramatic, like drive a car through the house or drop the TV off of the second floor balcony, and Danny Tanner forgives her way more quickly than a normal parent would
• There’s a dream sequence, giving the writers freedom to make the plot line even more cheesy and fatuous. Additional shot optional but recommended
• One of the men tries to do something domestic and fails miserably (like change a diaper, do the laundry) because we all know a man trying to do something that usually a woman does is comedy gold!
• DJ tries to wear makeup for the first time and looks RIDICULOUS and this is the moment that we realize she’ll never be cool
• Joey does really terrible stand-up comedy but still kills it on stage
• There’s a subtle reference to Jesse and Joey’s romantic feelings towards one another

Pour one out for …

• Kimmy Gibbler when she comes in and everyone looks annoyed and you start to realize that her home life must be really hard if she’s over at the Tanner’s house all the time and even they don’t like her and so pour one out for Kimmy because you know as an adult she’s in a lot of therapy
• Danny Tanner when he starts maniacally cleaning something because he obviously has undiagnosed yet severe OCD, likely triggered by the sudden death of his wife and resulting residual trauma of having to balance a career while raising his three children
• Jesse and the Rippers, the band formed by Uncle Jesse that was never all that successful and as a matter of fact only had one song, called “Forever,” which was ripped off from the Beach Boys
• Stephanie’s “bad girl” friend Gia who smokes in the school bathroom and definitely has some repressed daddy issues
• The baby Gia probably gets pregnant with while she’s still in high school
• The late Mrs. Tanner, whose former existence is barely ever acknowledged
• Vicky, who I will never understand why she and Danny didn’t end up together (aside from the horrific embarrassment they faced on that “Perfect Couple” show that Joey hosted where they learned that they knew nothing about each other) because the whole family seemed way more into her than his original wife
• Anyone who’s currently watching Fuller House right now

 

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A Strongly Worded Letter to My Smoke Detector

Dear Smoke Detector,

Hey, it’s me, Rachel. We haven’t been officially introduced, but I’m the newest tenant in the home in which you guard from fires.

You seem, um – nice. Hope things are … going well up there on the ceiling.

Alright, enough of the pleasantries.

I think you know what this letter is about.

No, it’s not about last night when I was trying to make dinner and you went off. It’s not about the night before when I was trying to make dinner and you went off. It’s not even about the night last week when I made popcorn in the microwave and you went off.

This letter is in reference to the fact that every single time I cook you find it necessary to go off.

Whenever I so much as brush by the stove top, you instantly perk up and notify everyone in the near vicinity that there’s DEFINITELY A FIRE AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

I may not be the most skilled in the kitchen, but I’m certainly not at the set-the-smoke-alarm-off-every-time-I-cook level.

Not anymore, at least.

You know, I’m just going to say it: you take your job too seriously.

I understand that you don’t really have a lot to do up there most of the time. Especially after those fresh set of batteries that you just got, you must be feeling particularly sharp and alert (thank you, by the way, for being so vocal about needing replacement batteries, that wasn’t disruptive at all).

And maybe you feel a little underappreciated up there all alone, with your one very specific and very rarely utilized job. And I do understand that whenever you do go off, your efforts are immediately met with bad words and yelling.

In my opinion, and I apologize if this seems a little harsh, but I feel that you are completely overreacting. Perhaps your behavior is merely a cry for attention, but I need you to know that this is NOT the way to go about it.

If this behavior continues, I fear that my upstairs landlord will in turn write me a strongly-worded letter about the consistent disruption between the hours of 6:30 and 8:30 p.m., because this undoubtedly seems like my fault. He will then inevitably point out the obvious: if I can’t prepare a basic meal without setting off the smoke detector, I’ll never be able to learn how to cook, maintain a healthy lifestyle, own a home, sustain a successful career, support a long-lasting relationship, raise a family, achieve any amount of personal growth, and have any sort of overall success in life at all.

So, please take the advice that the elderly have been giving young children for years: it’s better to be seen than heard, especially when there’s not a fire.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a letter to my shower about its infuriating hesitancy to warm up in a reasonable amount of time.

I’m starting to think I should find a new apartment.

Uh – anyway. I hope you are well.

Best regards,

Rachel D. Marsh

P.S. Please don’t do the passive aggressive thing where if there’s a real fire you don’t alert me because you’re upset about this letter. That’s just mean, and I guarantee you’ll feel guilty about it later.

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A Marsh Family Vacation in Photograph Form

Since most of you weren’t able to attend my family vacation last week, please enjoy the photographic highlights of our five-day stretch at the Outer Banks.

Things got a little crazy! As does any Marsh family vacay! But we all managed to make it to the end in one piece!

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SIBLINGS TURNED INTO TWINS!

When he came to pick me up he saw what top I was wearing and IMMEDIATELY changed to match me. Then he took a bunch of pictures of our matching shirts at Starbucks and posted it on his Snapchat story. Or maybe I did all of that, I can’t remember.

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WE SAW THE WRIGHT BROTHERS MEMORIAL

Read the plaque, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

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I TOOK FLIGHT IN THE SAME SPOT AS THE ORVILLE BROTHERS

Photo credit to my brother, thanks for not questioning me when I threw my phone at you and told you to take a picture of me in flight.

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I MET ONE OF THE STATUE VERSIONS OF SOMEONE WHO WITNESSED THE FIRST FLIGHT (THE ORVILLE BROTHERS’ FIRST FLIGHT, NOT MINE)

Then we fist bumped.

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I STUMBLED UPON A FREE WINE TASTING

But the woman hosting the wine tasting made me feel really guilty for not buying anything. Listen, it’s not my fault the wine wasn’t good.

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I STUMBLED UPON A FREE BABY CARROT TASTING

And again, didn’t buy it.

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WE TRIED TO VISIT OUR FAVORITE PIZZA PLACE

RIP Tomato Patch.

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WE TOOK A LATE-NIGHT SELFIE

I have no idea what the context of this photo was, or why we chose a location with such bad lighting.

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WE SANG SOME KARAOKE

We did such a good job, someone offered to buy us a round of drinks afterwards. Then someone told us it was the best karaoke they’d ever seen. Eventually we got tired of feeling like celebrities so we just left.

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THE WOMAN WHO RECORDED OUR SONG ALSO REALLY WANTED TO BE PART OF OUR VACATION MEMORIES

A small price to pay.

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WE GOT REALLY KOOKY WITH THE PIRATE FACE HOLE BOARDS

Crazy!

Crazier!

Craziest!

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WE PLAYED SOME WHOLESOME FAMILY GAMES

I won.

I lost.

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WE DECIDED GENETICS WASN’T ENOUGH TO BOND US TOGETHER SO WE GOT MATCHING TATTOOS

It says “Salt Life.”

His too.

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WE MADE WACKY SHADOWS!

Can you see us! Being wacky!

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THEN WE TURNED AROUND AND WATCHED THE SUNSET

 

THEN WE TURNED AROUND AGAIN AND GOT OUR PICTURE TAKEN

The guy taking the picture for us asked to be in the photo, but we said no since he was a complete stranger, so he asked if his shadow could at least be in it and we said okay.

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How to Take a Compliment Like I Do

Guys, sometimes compliments can come out of nowhere.

You may be going about your day, minding your own business, thinking about whatever you’re thinking about, when suddenly one strikes.

It can be difficult to know how to react. You might be caught off guard. You might get confused. You might panic. Fight or flight might kick in.

But I’m here to tell you, all of these reactions are completely normal. Here’s my advice for taking a compliment if you want to do it like me. It works every time.

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The first step after receiving the compliment: Stare blankly at the compliment-giver.

Step two: Sit in silence for a slightly uncomfortable amount of time.

Step three: Look behind your shoulder to see who the compliment-giver was talking to, since the compliment likely was not directed at you.

Step four: Realize the silence has gone on too long, and that the compliment was in fact intended for you.

Step five: Clarify. Example: “You like this shirt? The one I’m currently wearing on my body?”

Step six: Clarify again. Example: “Really?”

Step seven: Deny their favorable opinion of said complimented thing. Example: “No way.”

Step eight: Expand in entirely too much detail about the fact that they’re wrong. Example: “I got this shirt at the Gap like five years ago. It wasn’t even cool when I got it. Now it’s even less cool.”

Step nine: Give another reason that they were wrong and why their compliment was completely unwarranted. Example: “I was a lot thinner when I got this shirt, and now it doesn’t even fit me. I shouldn’t have worn it out in the first place.”

Step ten: Give them way too much information about the aforementioned statement. Example: “I just don’t really prioritize exercise as much as I used to.”

Step eleven: Demonstrate that aforementioned statement in an entirely inappropriate way. Example: “See, look at these love handles just bursting through the bottom of the shirt.”

Step twelve: Realize that they no longer wish to be in this conversation.

Step thirteen: Back pedal and give another reason that their compliment was wrong in an apparent effort to make them feel better about themselves for not being you? Example: “Plus, I mean, who wears boatneck tops anymore anyways?”

Step fourteen: Realize you have offended the compliment-giver.

Step fifteen: Realize you have made the compliment-giver feel stupid for thinking a nice thing about you and saying it out loud.

Step sixteen: Try desperately to salvage the situation by going into way too much detail about the originally complimented object. Example: “I mean the main reason I even got this shirt in the first place is because the flower pattern reminds me of my grandma.”

Step seventeen: Go into even more detail. Example: “She used to wear flower patterns all the time, plus she was a big gardener. Whenever I see flowers, I think of her.”

Step eighteen: More detail. Example: “My grandma died about a year ago. It was really devastating, if I’m being honest.”

Step nineteen: Witness the regret in the complimenter’s eyes for ever saying anything at all.

Step twenty: Try further to salvage the situation by turning the compliment around. Example: “Hey, you have a cool shirt too. I didn’t know they even still made those one-size-fits-all popcorn shirts.”

Step twenty-one: If you can, try to skip Step 20 because typically it sounds like a sarcastic backhanded compliment.

Step twenty-two: Offer the compliment-giver the thing they complimented because you can’t think of any other way to save the situation. Example: “Here, just take my shirt.”

Step twenty-three: If you can, try to skip Step 22 for obvious reasons.

Step twenty-four: Just say “thank you,” you moron. Example: “Thank you.”

Step twenty-five: Lose a friend.

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A Post with Pictures of Me and a Bunch of Famous People That I Recently Met

I spend a lot of time with celebrities. I’m constantly surrounded by them, and they’re constantly trying to get selfies with me.

I try not to brag about it too much because I don’t want people to be so jealous of my life that they start to hate me.

But everyone has been begging for me to release some of these images, so here they are.

I apologize if I sound boastful, but I had to share.

Brad ❤ He asked me on a date but then I remembered all those kids that he has so I declined. He took it well.

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I asked Rihanna about Chris Brown before taking this photo which is why she looks so mad. It had nothing to do with me, she likes me a lot.

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I forgot all of the things that Zac Effron had been in besides High School Musical. I asked him what he’s done since then, and this is a picture of him trying to think about it because he couldn’t remember either.

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Then I met Al Roker and we had a great time getting to know each other!

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Then he interviewed me and I told him a really sad story which he loved.

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For all of you that thought Elvis was still alive somewhere out there, you were right! AND he lost all that weight, which I congratulated him on.

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He was like, “Rachel I have a dream that you’ll take a selfie with me,” and I was like, “Did you just quote yourself?” And then we both laughed.

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Justin Bieber was sucking in his cheeks so he would look skinnier. I told him he didn’t need to do that, but then he told me to hurry up and take the picture because he couldn’t breathe.

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Oprah and I spent most of our time reminiscing about the time I appeared on her show.

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Throwback to 2012! Said I was her favorite guest of the year!

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He tried to interview me but I had to remind him that that’s not what this is, it’s just a selfie, Larry! Boy, some people just can’t get out of work mode, you know!

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Then I met Jackie Kennedy, who I at first called Sandra Bullock even though she was standing right next to JFK and it was so embarrassing! But she was a good sport about it.

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I asked him if he remembered the time he got assassinated. He didn’t remember. Then I asked if he remembered the time he had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. THAT he remembered! Men, am I right!

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Malcolm X looks confused not because he was having a bad time but because he didn’t know what an iPhone was.

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I saw Bill Clinton and told him how much I missed him.

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Then he grabbed me because he wanted another selfie so badly!

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I asked Dwayne which he liked better, being a professional wrestler or starring in the hit movie Tooth Fairy, and he couldn’t decide!

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Anyways, bye, gotta go to war!

 

 

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A very special thank you to Madam Tussauds of Washington, D.C. Without you, none of this would have been possible.

¡Bienvenido, Amigos!

Pedro’s weather report: Chile today, hot tamale!

You never sausage a place! You’re always a wiener at Pedro’s!

Pull over for sommtheeng deeferent, Señor!

“Look, another one!” My brothers and I pointed.

Just a leetle bit longer, amigos! Pedro so happy!

Our excitement billowed as the billboards became more and more frequent, the miles listed on the bottom of each sign dwindling in number.

Then we crossed into South Carolina. We pulled off the highway. The welcome sign glowed. The mustache glimmered. And we had reached our destination.

South of the Border.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGN

It all started with a trip to Florida in 1996. My family was driving down to Jacksonville for a vacation with our relatives, and we stopped at the South of the Border roadside motel for a night on the way down. Instantly entranced by the radiance of neon cactuses and endless string of souvenir shops, my brothers and I asked our dad if we could stay there instead of driving the rest of the way to Florida.

“Dad, do we have to go to the beach?” we probably asked.

“Yes,” my dad probably responded. “But don’t worry kids. We’ll be back,” he probably said after that.

But I can’t remember the exact conversation because I was too busy looking at the statue of a cartoonish Mexican bandito named Pedro.

Five times the size of an average man, Pedro lit up the night with his jovial smile and prominent stature. Even though he stood at around 15 feet tall, his amiable aura made him feel approachable and down-to-earth. He had a playful glimmer on his face, and the sprightly spark in his eyes made you want to know exactly what kind of mischief he had up sleeve.

He seemed like the kind of person that loved frivolous shenanigans but could still wrap you in a warm hug at the end of the day.

We were enamored.

So true to his word, every summer we’d pack our suitcases into the station wagon and my dad would drive my brothers and me the five hours to Dillon, South Carolina, our anticipation rising with each passing Pedro sighting. As the billboards became more and more dense, we knew we were getting closer. Finally, we’d pull off the highway and see the revered Pedro statue, who seemed to get happier about our arrival each year.

The week that followed would be filled with activities entirely exclusive to the South of the Border area: swimming at the motel pool, video games at the arcade, and putt-putt at the Golf of Mexico. We’d hop around the seemingly endless souvenir shops for gems that we knew we’d never find anywhere else, like wind up maracas or straws in the shape of rattlesnakes. We’d eat authentic Mexican foods, including hot dogs from the ¡Hot Tamale!, Fun Dip from Pedro’s Candy Fiesta, and pizza from the diner shaped like a sombrero. Then we’d stock up on “South of the Border” bumper stickers for our bedrooms, planning to one day put them all over our future cars.

We’d wander through the life-sized animal statues – armadillos, coyotes, donkeys, a polar bear – spread among the green metal cactuses and plastic tumbleweeds, commenting to each other that we felt like we really were in Mexico.

To finish off each of our adventure-packed days, we’d ride the elevator up to the top floor of the sombrero tower, standing at the railing that looked over the entire property while soaking in our most cultural life experience yet.

Then we’d walk by the Pedro statue and silently wish him a good night, filled with anticipation for the next day.

MORE THAN JUST A REST STOP…?

Okay.

Let me just take a minute here to explain South of the Border to all of you who haven’t heard of or experienced it yourself.

South of the Border was created in 1950 as a rest stop for travelers driving long distances on I-95. It’s an attraction-slash-resort (and I use the term “resort” very, very loosely) with a feebly executed (and mildly controversial) Mexican theme. It’s recognized for its hundreds of billboards dotting the highway all the way between New Jersey and Florida, many of which feature Pedro and his childish Central American accent. After complaints from the Mexican embassy themselves, saying that the depiction of Mexicans was culturally insensitive, South of the Border rebranded to make Pedro sound less…well, ignorant.

It has remained a common stopping point for travelers, with one motel, a few restaurants, and somewhere around twelve gift shops. People will stop there for a bathroom break, a cheap lunch, an occasional overnight stay, or a carload of debatably legal fireworks.

But it is not – I repeat, it is not – an intended destination point.

The employees, managers, owners, and even Pedro would agree with this openly.

So I’m not really sure what it was that my brothers and I saw in the South of the Border roadside attraction that inspired an annual tradition, but we sure saw it. And each vacation ended in a tearful goodbye to the resort, whispering promises to Pedro of our return the next summer.

BEYOND THE MUSTACHE

The last year that we went to South of the Border is the year I remember most vividly.

I don’t know if it was because we were getting older, or because it was getting more touristy, or maybe a mix of both; but that year, South of the Border had abruptly and completely lost its charm. Suddenly everything seemed cheap, kitschy, and exceedingly outlandish.

Why are there a dozen souvenir shops that all sell the same things?

Why are the cactuses the color of pistachio ice cream? And – tap tap – why are they hollow?

Why does everything have a sombrero on it?

Why is there a polar bear statue?

Even Pedro had lost his allure, his wide, mustached smile appearing less inviting and more racist every time we looked at him.

It felt like going to see Santa after you’ve stopped believing in him. What was once blanketed in magic and frosted with fascination is now just a lonely old man with too much white hair surrounded by kids waiting to sit in his lap.

That year at South of the Border, when it was time to pack the station wagon and head back to Richmond, my brothers and I couldn’t get into the car fast enough. My dad returned the motel key, and we started the trip home.

A few miles into the drive, we passed by a billboard. Back up Amigo, you going the wrong way!

No, Pedro. We going the right way.

Turbulence Is Worse When Caused by a 4-Year-Old

I used to think there was nothing worse to have on a plane than the dreaded “B” word.

I’m not talking about a bomb.

I’m talking about a baby.

Many poor infants spend their term on a flight confused, uncomfortable, and crying inconsolably. Parents will try to find some sort of solace for their restless child, but they just end up bothering different passengers on the other end of the plane.

Yes, yes, the “B” word is something we all cross our fingers to avoid on every flight…

…but I’m here to tell you that there are worse passengers than babies.

Heaven forbid you ever end up on a flight with…

A four-year-old.

Recently, I was getting ready to take a flight to Boston.

While waiting for the boarding call, I noticed the family at the terminal.

Everyone noticed the family at the terminal.

They were hard to miss: a pair of rambunctious boys who didn’t know how to handle their energy, plus a pair of exhausted parents who didn’t know how to find more energy for themselves.

I feel bad for whoever ends up on a flight with them, myself and probably everyone else in the terminal was thinking.

Imagine my shock…and the shock of my fellow passengers…when the family lined up at the gate during the Boston boarding call.

They got on with the rest of us.

There was a six-year-old, who I deemed the whiny one, and a four-year-old, who I deemed the even whinier one.

They all found their seats, which, to my dismay, was in the row right behind mine.

And to my further dismay, the even whinier one and his mother decided to take the two seats directly behind me.

The even whinier one, who I learned was named Tyler like a loser, just haaad to sit by the window so he could see the stupid clouds.

I was sitting by the window.

Tyler was going to be behind me.

My feelings were that of the emoji that has lines for its eyes and its mouth.

Well…maybe it won’t be so ba­—ouch.

The first back-of-the-seat kick confirmed it: Tyler and I were not going to get along.

The second back-of-the-seat kick removed all doubt: he didn’t care.

Tyler had no interest in being my friend.

“Mommy, I think the airplane is fun.”

No one asked you, Tyler.

“It is fun, Tyler,” said Mommy who was obviously not listening because no one who can’t drink alcohol has ever had fun on an airplane.

“Mommy, are we in the air yet?”

We literally just sat down.

“No, not yet Tyler.”

A few minutes pass.

“Mommy, I like this airplane. Are we in the air yet?”

Tyler, why don’t look out the damn window that you were so eager to sit next to in the first place. See how that window is clear? See how it being clear allows you to see what’s going on outside?

“Mommy, are we in the air now?”

Mommy, as a favor to everyone on the plane, gives Tyler an iPad and headphones and turns on a TV show for him to watch.

We take off.

Tyler doesn’t even notice.

Oh, what is this beautiful silence! (Says myself and then the whole plane too probably)

Then suddenly—

“Mommy, I want to watch a different show.”

Mommy explains to spoiled Tyler that he can only watch this probably stupid show because there’s no WiFi on the plane and it’s the only one she downloaded and don’t worry we’ll be landing soon anyway.

Pretending like he didn’t know the words “WiFi” and “download” and “shut up we’ll be there soon,” Tyler repeated his request to watch another show.

Mommy explained all those words again.

Tyler kicked my seat.

Don’t start with me Tyler…

And then.

The song happened.

“Waffles in the morning! Waffles late at night!” Tyler sang as loud as his voice could go.

“Tyler–” Mommy foolishly attempted to get him to stop singing his song.

“I love waffles!” Tyler sang as if it was a cool song that literally anyone else in the world wanted to hear. “I love waffles in the morning!”

No one cares.

“I love waffles late at night!”

Still no one cares.

“Waffffflless!!!”

Then the flight attendant came around with snacks and drinks.

Okay, thank god, a snack. Maybe that will keep him quiet for like a second.

I asked for a soda water politely and selected a bag of Cheez-Its out of the selection of cookies and crackers.

“And what would you two like?” The flight attendant asked Tyler and Mommy.

Oh, here we go.

“Do you want some juice, Tyler?” Mommy asked.

Tyler requested grape juice.

They only had orange and apple.

He asked for grape juice again.

They told him it wasn’t available.

He asks for it again.

Goddammit Tyler.

Then came time for the snack selection.

AND HE COULDN’T DECIDE BETWEEN CHEEZ-ITS, PRETZELS, AND THOSE GENERIC COFFEE COOKIES THAT TASTE LIKE OFF-BRAND GRAHAM CRACKERS.

THIS IS AN EASY ONE, TYLER.

The flight attendant kept showing Tyler the different options.

Exasperated, she offered to give him all three.

Listen, lady, at least this is the only time you’ll have to talk with him.

“Do you want some Cheerios that Mommy packed?” Mommy asked.

Tyler, in attempts of wasting everyone’s day, waited a little longer and then eventually decided to go for the snack that was in Mommy’s bag the whole time.

Typical.

Tyler kicked the back of my seat.

Mommy reminded him not to.

You’re wasting your time, Mommy.

“I love waffles late at night!”

And then the tray table was discovered.

Tyler pulled it down.

And then the tray table’s push-and-pull mechanism was discovered.

The tray table was connected to my seat.

Mommy reminded him of that.

She said, “Tyler, this tray table is connected to someone else’s seat. Someone really kind and patient and undeserving of this treatment.”

Well she said something like that.

Tyler told Mommy that “it was okay” and continued playing with the tray table.

Oh, it’s okay, is it Tyler? Will it be okay when I…

The end of that sentence is “when I sit here and do nothing because you’re four years old and I’m thirty and even though I would technically win in a fight, a court of law would not see it the same way.”

“Waffle waffle waffles never boring!”

MOMMY, DOWNLOAD THAT SHOW THAT HE WAS ASKING FOR. PLEASE.

“Waffles for lunch and school and dinnerrrrr!”

Shortly after the waffle song had gone through its nine-hundredth chorus, and my questions about Tyler’s feelings towards waffles were confirmed, the plane finally landed.

And the taxiing process began.

And just when I thought my time with Tyler was coming to an end, we were informed that all of the loading zones were full, and that we would have to wait a few more minutes to get off.

No. 

No.

No.

“I love waffles late at night!”

Seat kick.

NO. 

“I want to get off the plane.” (Tyler and his idiot statements)

“We’ll get off soon, Tyler.” (Mommy and her lies)

“I want to get off the plane now.”

Oh.

OH!

HEY EVERYONE! TYLER WANTS TO GET OFF THE PLANE! NOW CAN WE GET OFF SINCE TYLER WANTS TO! 

WE WERE JUST TRYING TO EXTEND OUR TIME WITH EACH OTHER IN THIS TINY CAPSULE, TYLER. WE WERE HOPING TO HEAR MORE OF THE WAFFLE SONG LYRICS. OH, IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY MORE LYRICS? THAT’S FINE, JUST THE SAME THREE LINES YOU’VE BEEN SINGING WILL DO! 

BUT NOW THAT WE KNOW YOU WANT TO GET OFF, WE’LL JUST GO AHEAD AND OPEN THE DOORS THEN! THANKS FOR LETTING US KNOW YOUR FEELINGS, TYLER!

If this was a DVD, for some reason, the above three paragraphs would be an “Extras” menu alternate ending, with me saying those words out loud – instead of in my head – sticking up for myself like any good American, followed by the rest of the plane applauding because they’ve felt the same way during the whole flight.

Hold on, do DVDs still have alternate endings?

Do DVDs still exist?

But in the real ending, I keep all of those thoughts in my head. Because any adult verbally attacking a four-year-old is suddenly the bad guy, no matter how many seat-kicks and waffle song lyrics occurred prior to the attack.

And so, in the end, we all got to Boston safely and in one piece, which is all the airline really guarantees anyway.

And I finally exited the plane, my only souvenirs from the flight being a slightly sore neck and a sudden craving for waffles.

Because, as I recently learned, they’re good any time of the day.

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