Don’t Mind Me, Just Making Some Babies

I was eating eggs for breakfast the other morning which reminded me that I’m already in my 30s and my fertility isn’t getting any stronger as the days tick by.

Or maybe it was my mother that was reminding me about that. I can’t remember.

Either way, I decided it was time to turn to the internet.

No, I didn’t join an online dating site. I put a call out to all half dozen of my Facebook friends to see who would like to apply to be my baby daddy or mama.

Thanks to the magic of technology and MakeMeBabies.com, I can determine who will make the most attractive parent to my child before having to waste time dating and planning a wedding and falling and love and all that stuff I simply don’t have time for as a 31-year-old childless woman.

TAYLOR

Taylor likes to tan and go to the gym and I like tan and toned babies so this might work out really well for our mixed race child of two white people.

SARAH

I told Sarah our baby would be super hot. Turns out I was right.

ANOTHER SARAH

This Sarah just got married a couple of months ago but I’m hoping the sight of our baby will make her change her mind, particularly with this fashion sense that it has.

RYAN

Ryan and I actually already have a baby together. We adopted him on Halloween night in 2011, his name is Carlos. But Ryan threw him away during one of those “Marie Kondo” kind of purges a few months ago. Here’s hoping this baby actually manages to spark some joy in her father.

NATHAN

Nathan is really into pretending he’s holding a gun, and it appears as though our baby has inherited that passion.

ZACH

Zach was the first one to message me about this baby-making business, which I think earns him bonus points because of prompt responsiveness, and that is important in a baby daddy. Plus our child will be born with a full head of hair, so that’s pretty cool.

ALEX

Alex makes really good bread so maybe our baby will taste like bread and I can eat it so I won’t have to deal with all the crying and diaper changes and stuff.

ANNE

One time Anne and I played lesbian teens in love during an improv show and if those lesbian teens were real and grew up to procreate together then this is what would happen.

CHARLES

I like carving pumpkins and Charles likes feather boas so it only makes sense that our baby likes dressing up like a bunny.

JORDI

Jordi and I met while both nannying in Australia, which I assume means our baby will have an Australian accent and I think that would make up for its weird colored hair.

LAURA

If modern-day Laura Kelly and eighth-grade Rachel Marsh had a baby, it would look like one of those newly adopted children in a horror movie who everyone thinks is just upset about losing her parents but is actually possessed by a demon.

PHIL

I’m not sure if the baby-making technology picked up Phil’s face or his dogs but I’m not upset either way.

STACEY

Because of Stacey’s love for TGI Friday’s, she told me she thinks our baby would just be the Friday’s logo with brown hair and glasses. While that’s not entirely accurate based on the results, I can definitely see this child serving loaded potato skins at TGI Friday’s one day and that would make both of her moms proud for sure.

JASON

Jason has a really good sense of humor, which will come in handy when we’re struggling to love a child who looks like this.

RYAN

I’m going to send the picture of this baby to Ryan Gosling and then ask him for child support and see if it works.

KATHLEEN

Kathleen and I make babies with a face only a mother could love, and since this baby is so ugly that mother, I’ve decided, will be Kathleen.

BILL

Bill likes to travel and so do I so even though our baby has a pillow-shaped head and is a different race than us for some reason, it will be very well cultured.

BRITTANY

Brittany and I have been married on Facebook for over ten years which in legal Facebook terms is common law so this would be the only legitimate baby I could have, and that would make my grandmother happy.

ME

I’m sure one day modern science will figure out a way that you can have your own babies without the help of anyone else and I just wanted to get a head start on seeing what that would look like. Turns out I have a redhead gene I didn’t know about.

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Got Milk? Milk Straws, That Is. I Don’t Know. I’m So Sorry. I Couldn’t Think of a Better Title.

You know those occasions in life where you’re in a very unexpected situation and you wonder what previous decisions you made that led to this exact moment? And you’re not exactly sure how you got there?

Like, for example, sitting at your dining room table surrounded by three cartons of milk and four packets of flavored Milk Straws1?

1Milk Straws: “Stick one of these straws into a glass of milk, and the milk you sip through the straw becomes whatever flavor straw you’re using.”

I think it had something to do with the time my friend sent me a picture of the Milk Straw product and asked if I’d be willing to try them with him.

And I then suggested getting together and tasting them against different types of milk.

Okay so maybe I do remember how I got there.

THE NIGHT IT HAPPENED

My fellow Milk Straw Tester was in charge of obtaining the most important part (the milk straws), since I didn’t even know where to begin to find such a novelty.

Lucky he knew a guy, named Amazon.

I was in charge of the milks. Because I knew a guy, named Kroger.

I chose…

Skim milk: a nice neutral base.

Chocolate almond cashew pea milk: I don’t know why, but it sounded pretty intriguing. Also it has 10 grams of protein per serving, which is important for health!

Banana almond milk: this was an obvious choice. Once I discovered this milk, I’ve been buy two cartons at a time. And I only shop at a particular Kroger now because none of the other locations sell it. I once almost wrote an entire blog post about how much I love this banana almond milk but I was too busy drinking banana almond milk to write it.

So one evening last week, we got together to make the Milk Magic™ happen.

In case you couldn’t tell, I don’t know how to use photoshop. Also in case you couldn’t tell, we got high before doing this.

Oh, and here’s his version if you’re interested in comparing our experiences.

First, we started with the vanilla straws. This is what they look like by themselves so you don’t get confused:

Vanilla Straw Smell

It smells like vanilla chapstick you get from Claire’s when you’re in middle school, or your car after accidentally leaving McDonald’s soft serve in it while you spent the day at the pool.

Smell rating: 2.0

Vanilla Straw + Skim Milk

It tastes like vanilla ice cream if someone had an idea to pursue a career of making vanilla ice cream but then changed their mind mid-batch.

Rating: 0.5

Vanilla Straw + Banana Milk

If I’m being honest the banana almond milk couldn’t possibly get any better so don’t hold it against the vanilla straw because it sure put up a good fight.

Rating: 8.75

Vanilla Straw + Chocolate Milk

The vanilla masks that weird almond milk taste so now it just tastes like regular good chocolate milk rather than not as good chocolate milk, or chocolate milk with a slightly weird taste if that makes any sense, which I think that it does.

Rating: 9.0

Then we moved on to the strawberry straws.

Strawberry Straw Smell

Smells like if you made someone try to replicate the smell of a strawberry without ever actually trying one in real life.

Smell rating: 1.5

Strawberry Straw + Skim Milk

Tastes like that strawberry milk you always begged your mom to buy and then she’d get mad when she bought it and you didn’t drink it because you suddenly remembered how bad it was.

Rating: 1.0

Strawberry Straw + Banana Milk

Do those Halls Fruit Breezers exist in strawberry banana flavor? If they did, this is what it would taste like.

Rating: 8.0

Strawberry Straw + Chocolate Milk

Like Valentine’s Day, but for people who don’t want to spend a lot of money on romantic stuff.

Rating: 5.0

Next up: chocolate straws. This is what they look like:

Chocolate Straw Smell

This straw smells like nothing, I’m totally serious.

Smell rating: N/A

Chocolate Straw + Skim Milk

It tastes like skim milk.

Rating: 2.5

Chocolate Straw + Banana Milk

It just makes the banana milk taste a little off, like you left it in the car during swim practice one afternoon – but not on a hot day, like a slightly chilly day.

Rating: 5.0

Chocolate Straw + Chocolate Milk

It’s just fine, but I said that about the original chocolate.

Rating: 7.75

For the final round, we moved to the cookies & cream straws. Here’s a picture:

If you’re thinking cookies & cream is just chocolate and vanilla mixed together, it is. If you feel duped, you should.

Cookies & Cream Straw Smell

It smells like a muted version of the vanilla because the scentless chocolate morsels work to diffuse the smell of the vanilla. So yeah, that’s a rip off.

Smell rating: 1.0

Cookies & Cream Straw + Skim Milk

It wasn’t good. I don’t know what else to say about it.

Rating: 0.75

Cookies & Cream Straw + Banana Milk

It tastes like if one of the employees at the banana almond milk factory brought their kid to work on Take Your Daughter to Work Day and that kid did something weird to the banana almond milk but no one could quite figure out what.

Rating: 5.5

Cookies & Cream Straw + Chocolate Milk

Tastes like an off-brand off-brand Oreo.

Rating: 6.0

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER WE DECIDED TO DO A BONUS ROUND AND THIS IS IT.

Because we are geniuses, but mostly because we were stoned, we decided to mix the chocolate and banana milk together and try each straw again. Welcome to bonus round.

Meticulous note-taking so we don’t forget anything

Vanilla Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

The vanilla straw just enhances the taste of the beverage, kind of like salt to soup.

Rating: 1.5

Strawberry Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

This tastes exactly like a bowl of overpriced Dippin’ Dots from a mall kiosk, except it doesn’t give your mouth freezer burn which earns it an extra point in the rating system.

Rating: 8.0

Chocolate Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

It’s like a SlimFast shake, but one of those fancier flavors you get when you’re making a last-ditch effort to stay on the SlimFast diet because you haven’t lost any of the 60lbs yet.

Rating: 5.0

Cookies & Cream Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

It somehow cuts down on the banana flavor which is stupid.

Rating: 5.0

Later, my Milk Straw friend told me that his hookup Amazon told him about “Water Magic Straws,” that come in flavors like raspberry, piña colada, and cherry cola.

Looks like my life may be finding itself in yet another unexpected situation…

The Life-Changing Magic of a Rabbit

Does someone ever come into your life, completely change your perspective on the world, alter your life philosophy altogether, and then disappear as quickly as they came?

You never quite know when the universe is going to deliver one of its unpredicted surprises. Or in what form.

Sometimes beauty happens when you least expect it.

Oh, but –

To be clear, that’s not in relation to this story in any way.

It was a fine spring Sunday. My friend TAYLOR and I were chit chatting on the patio of a nearby brewery – let’s call it Triple Crossing because that’s what the sign out front said.

We were enjoying the warm weather, catching up over beer but not pizza (that’s an inside joke about how TAYLOR really wanted some pizza but they didn’t have any and he was really disappointed. You had to be there).

“How is your weekend going” I think he said to me at one point.

“It’s going well, how is yours” I think I responded.

Sorry if our conversation is boring you, I just wanted to make sure everything is set up properly before continuing.

Suddenly, amid our heated discussion about how our weekends have been up to that point (they had both been fine, thank you for asking), a man appeared in the middle of the patio.

“Attention everyone!” said the unsuspecting and mysterious stranger. Dressed in a purple leopard print cape and a cowboy hat, we knew what he had to say would be important. Everyone stopped their conversations to listen. “My name is Rabbit, and I just want to tell you to be the love you wish to see in the love all around your life. Your life is surrounded by lives.”

He paused. We thought he was finished –

“My life has been the lives you all lead.”

– oh, no, he’s still going.

“Your lives are the life I am connected to. Love the love within you and around you. Spread the love, there is no greater love than love. Life. My name is Rabbit.”

Then he went inside as if he hadn’t just dropped the most powerful message any of us had every heard.

Which, you know…he hadn’t.

The rest of the patio patrons looked around at one another, unsure who that had been. Or if the whole thing had really happened.

Or if we were supposed to be affected by it in some way.

Then we all quickly forgot about the situation and moved on.

“How has your afternoon been” I think I then asked TAYLOR.

“It’s been fine, how has yours been” I think is how he answered me.

We continued to learn about each other’s days WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!

Rabbit was back, baby.

Like a musician who had just performed a mind-blowing concert, Rabbit removed his cape and cowboy hat and began to make the rounds around the table. As if thanking his fans for coming to the show and supporting his art.

When he came to our table, he offered up a hug in an effort to “spread the love.” TAYLOR, who prefers to spread the love in the form of a fist bump, offered up his knuckles. I, on the other hand, accepted a love-spreading hug. “The gyrating was a bit unnecessary,” I later told TAYLOR in regards to the hug when Rabbit had left, “But overall I’d give it a 4 out of 5 because I could tell he meant it. The hug, not the gyrating. Although I guess he meant both.”

Rabbit explained to us that he had earned the name “Rabbit” while attending Burning Man (checks out) years ago, because everyone noticed that he couldn’t stand still (checks out). And because he was mating with everyone (I made that part up in an effort to make myself laugh, it worked).

“How has your weekend been going” TAYLOR and I asked Rabbit, and he got bored with our chosen conversation topic and left.

Later, because we still weren’t totally sure the whole thing had even happened, we asked the management team at Triple Crossing if we could watch the security footage.

They said no.

Okay, we didn’t actually ask that but what a weird off-brand-M.-Night-Shyamalan twist that would have been!

The next Sunday, we went back to Triple Crossing in hopes of another Rabbit sighting.

Well, actually we went back because TAYLOR was trying to get some pizza this time. And again, they didn’t have any! Which was somehow funnier than the first time (for me).

But we definitely had our radars up for the appearance of a certain can’t-sit-still-Burning-Man-enthusiast-slash-motivational-speaker. We stuck around for awhile, catching up on our weekends and our afternoons.

When Rabbit didn’t appear (and neither did the pizza) (that was a joke for myself), we thought maybe we needed to summon him. We tried saying his name three times out loud (like Beetlejuice). Then we tried saying his name three times out loud in a mirror while flashing the lights on and off (like Bloody Mary). Then we tried touching our rings together while saying “Let our powers combine” (like Captain Planet).

But to no avail. Rabbit never returned.

I’m sure that he’s off gyrate hugging someone else at a brewery in a parallel universe (or Scott’s Addition) (that’s an inside joke between me and rest of Richmond).

So: this blog post goes out to all the people who come into your life, drop a life-changing and brain-infiltrating piece of wisdom into your head, only to later disappear into thin air without a trace.

Thank you for all the good that you do for the world.

Oh, but –

To be clear, that’s not in relation to this story in any way.

This is where it happened, sort of

Which “Friends” Character Are You?

We’re all familiar with that classic sitcom that reflected the height of ’90s comedy – filled with irony, puns, and of course…a laugh track so we all knew when the writers were trying to be funny.

If you grew up watching the iconic show that is “Friends,” you may in fact feel like these characters are more like feel more like “family” than “friends”! But, among these six quirky, lovable, mostly one-dimensional characters, which one do YOU most identify with?

Let’s find out together!

On a Friday night, you can be found…

  1. Shopping
  2. Cleaning
  3. Watching a documentary
  4. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
  5. Doing a whole lot of acid which would explain a lot about a lot
  6. Banging a bunch of women

What kind of people are attracted to you?

  1. Coffee shop owners
  2. Men with thick mustaches
  3. Rachel, when she doesn’t have anyone else
  4. Like pretty much no one
  5. Paul Rudd
  6. Like pretty much everyone

What were you like in high school?

  1. I was a cheerleader and popular because the two obviously go hand in hand
  2. I was fat and unpopular because the two obviously go hand in hand
  3. I was the smartest one in my class
  4. I didn’t have any friends mostly because I used bad comedy to mask my deeper issues
  5. I didn’t go because I was busy living on the streets instead
  6. I never went to class but boy was I popular with the ladies

What kind of food do you eat?

  1. Nothing, I don’t want to gain weight!
  2. Idk I’m a chef so whatever chefs eat
  3. I like this turkey sandwich that my sister makes
  4. I think I was seen eating cereal one time
  5. Not meat, that’s for sure!
  6. Literally anything

Do you like puns?

  1. No
  2. No
  3. No
  4. Yes
  5. No
  6. No

What’s your least favorite thing about your friends?

  1. They don’t constantly think about how pretty I am
  2. Some of them remember when I was fat
  3. They don’t care about fossils
  4. They don’t get my jokes
  5. They don’t believe in my psychic powers
  6. They take up the time where I could be having sex with women

What is your body type?

  1. Abnormally skinny
  2. Abnormally skinny
  3. Sometimes it fluctuates depending on how many drugs I’m on in real life
  4. Average
  5. Regular skinny
  6. Pretty buff I guess

Do you have any children?

  1. Yes, one. Whoopsies!
  2. Yes, I adopted twins
  3. Yes, from two different women
  4. Yes, I adopted twins
  5. Yes, but they’re my brother’s
  6. I’m sure I have a few out there somewhere

Have you ever been married?

  1. Yes, once. Whoopsies!
  2. Yes, because I wanted to have children and I could feel my eggs drying up
  3. Holy crap yes like a bunch of times
  4. Yes, to my best friend and the woman of my dreams
  5. Yes but it was mostly this whole green card situation. Oh and another time after that.
  6. Nah

How do you pick up people of the opposite sex?

  1. Wear shirts that show off my nips
  2. Cook for them
  3. Impress them with my boring intelligence
  4. I don’t.
  5. Write them a song
  6. Ask them “How you doin’?” which somehow works every time

What are your parents like?

  1. Overbearing but rich so it works out overall
  2. Quirky and Jewish
  3. Quirky and Jewish
  4. One is a slut and one is a drag queen
  5. One is dead and one is Bob Balaban
  6. Ummmm Italian?

What is the most exotic person you’ve ever dated?

  1. A hunky Italian
  2. I almost hit on Jean Claude van Damme one time
  3. A Chinese woman. Also an African-American woman because the producers thought it was about time to introduce a black person into the show
  4. Janice
  5. A gay Canadian ice skater
  6. Name a country.

What kind of haircut do you have?

  1. The Rachel
  2. Plain brown but one time I got a horrendous haircut
  3. HAIR GEL
  4. Its length fluctuates with my weight
  5. It’s blonde and straight but I do a bunch of weird things to it most of the time
  6. I do that thing that every boy did in middle school where I spike up the bangs

How many sexual partners have you had?

  1. A lot but you can’t blame me because I’m hot
  2. Less than most people but that’s because I grew up overweight so I had a late start
  3. Only like three if I’m counting correctly
  4. I’m probably still a virgin
  5. A regular amount including Paul Rudd
  6. So many I’m surprised there’s never been an episode about my inevitable STDs

What kind of pets do you have?

  1. I used to have a pet poodle growing up but it died
  2. Um pets are way too dirty
  3. I used to have a monkey because that was the pinnacle of ‘90s comedy
  4. A chick and a duck
  5. I adopted the rats that live in my apartment
  6. A chick and a duck

What’s your biggest fear?

  1. Getting fat
  2. Getting fat again
  3. Rachel realizing she could do better than me
  4. Rejection
  5. Going back to living on the streets
  6. Someone eating my sandwich

Have you ever gotten fired from a job?

  1. Yes, because I tried to get a job with Gucci which I wasn’t even qualified for in the first place to be honest
  2. Yes, because I stole some really expensive steaks without paying for them
  3. Yes, because I hooked up with a student who was half my age
  4. Yes, because I didn’t want to live in Oklahoma
  5. Yes, because I tried to have sex with a client
  6. Yes, because I’m really bad at what I do

Where is your favorite place to hang out?

  1. A local coffee shop
  2. A local coffee shop
  3. A local coffee shop
  4. A local coffee shop
  5. A local coffee shop
  6. A local coffee shop

Which word does your name rhyme with?

  1. Nothing rhymes with my name ugh
  2. Hanukkah
  3. Boss
  4. Sandler
  5. Geebie
  6. Snowy

Mostly 1’s: You’re Rachel! You came to the Big Apple after dipping out of your own wedding – what a power move! Then you cut yourself off from your daddy’s money – what an even bigger power move! You’re smart, interesting, and sexy even in your most awkward moments. Sure, you ended up giving up your dream job for a man, but hey, we all have flaws. Three cheers for a great name!

Mostly 2’s: You’re Monica! You grew up overweight, which, by all societal standards, should mean you wouldn’t have any sort of success in life. And yet! You scored an impossibly great apartment (thanks, Grandma!), landed a husband (he’s not so bad!) and gained a successful career as a chef (which only makes sense considering your childhood!). It’s all inevitably because you managed to lose all that weight – otherwise who knows where you would (or wouldn’t!) be. Three cheers for being skinny!

Mostly 3’s: You’re Ross! Man, that sucks!

Mostly 4’s: Could you BE any more Chandler? You get through tough situations and repressed emotions through your mediocre humor and low-hanging-fruit jokes. You made dad jokes before dad jokes were even a thing. How innovative! Three cheers for the invention of laugh tracks!

Mostly 5’s: You’re Phoebe! You did a ton of drugs while you were growing up, and now you’re dealing with the ramifications of adulthood on a heavily warped brain. But! You have a job, an apartment, great friends, and you even get to be married to Paul Rudd, so I’d say things turned out pretty well. Three cheers for unlikely resilience!

Mostly 6’s: You’re Joey! You are super dumb but super suave, which is all women really want in a man! You’re not that great at your job as an actor, but you still manage to get by with the occasional gig and the even more occasional side job. Luckily New York women in the ’90s don’t care about money. Or maybe you charge them all, and that’s how you get by. Who knows! Three cheers for sex, and three more cheers for being so successful at it!

I’m Trying to Get Better at Taking Pictures During Important Moments

I titled this post “I’m Trying to Get Better at Taking Pictures During Important Moments” because I’m trying to get better at taking pictures during important moments.

The last wedding I attended (okay, the last every wedding I attended) I failed miserably at capturing any sort of photo, leaving me with just a blur of memories destined to fade forever.

But not this time, my friends.

During my most recent wedding ceremony event (I think that’s the formal name for it), I was determined not to let this happen again. In a moment of desperation, flooded with flashbacks of photo-less weddings and memories lost forever, I took a break from socializing (okay, eating), grabbed my camera, and took as many pictures as I could before I got hungry again.

Sure, everyone was mildly perplexed and perhaps even a little disgruntled at this sudden interruption.

And sure, they’re all selfies so you won’t get to see any pictures of the ceremony, the décor, that magician that everyone was impressed but confused by, or even the newlywed couple themselves.

But I’m finally getting better at taking pictures during important moments.

And so this is me sharing it.

This is Megan.

This is Corey.

This is Christina.

This is Kolt. He said my arms are too short for selfies.

So he used his own arm and now I look like a tiny human.

He also let me have a bite of his cookie, which I thought was kind.

And then Anthony wanted in on the tiny person pic. Or he was trying to get a bite of my cookie, I can’t remember.

Remember Christina from earlier?

Still trying to get a bite of my cookie even though I don’t have it anymore.

I circled the people who didn’t want to be in the picture but were anyway.

I circled the now one person who didn’t want to be in the picture.

And then I drew an arrow towards the person that should’ve been in it but got pushed out.

I circled the one person who was “OVER IT”

“THERE’S NO WRONG MOVE.”

We chose the worst lighting possible because we were so sick of everyone telling us how great we looked that night.

WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN

SO ARE WE

We are not.

Way better at selfies than me.

About the same at selfies as me.

I just told him something sad.

I just told her something philosophical.

This is Emilee, she cuts my hair sometimes!

Really excited that it was finally her turn to take a selfie with me, probably

This is my very best friend who has the most kissable cheeks.

See?

This is Amber, who is also better at selfies than me.

This is Sarah WHO JUST GOT MARRIED

This is Jesse, SO DID HE.

This is Kathryn, she didn’t.

We took this with someone else’s phone. I can’t remember why but I know it was really funny at the time.

My mouth looks weird because I was eating pizza but pretending not to.

Congratulations, Sarah and Jesse! Thank you for the opportunity to help me get better at taking pictures during important moments.

I Just Have One of Those Faces

They say everyone has a döppelganger, but I have millions of them.

At least once a month, I can count on a stranger thinking they know me, or at least that they’ve seen me before.

Sometimes I get approached, but it’s usually someone I’m already interacting with for one reason or another. Occasionally someone will even confuse me for someone else.

Most frequently, it happens when I’m meeting someone for the first time. The handshakes and introductions happen, followed – on their end – by a long pause, hard stare, and something along the lines of “You look really familiar.”

THE TIME I GOT TO FLY A LOT WITHOUT HAVING TO FLY A LOT

Last year, while waiting for a flight at the Richmond Airport, I was sitting at the Cross Grain Brewhouse bar. I ordered a drink and when the bartender brought it, he set it down and stared at me for a second longer than is socially appropriate before saying, “You fly a lot, don’t you? I see you here all the time.”

I had never sat at that particular bar in my life – and no, I don’t fly a lot.

This kind of thing has happened to me in bars that I’ve never previously been to, states that I hadn’t visited before, and even different countries.

BRUNCHING

Once I was brunching (I’m not yet white girl enough to say this word without putting it in italics, indicating that I’m saying it ironically) at Millie’s Diner with a group of friends. Even though it’s one of my favorite brunching spots, I don’t go very often – and at the time, hadn’t been in years.

When the four of us sat down, the server came over to give the spiel. She described the specials, took our drink orders, and tossed out a couple of recommendations. She asked if anyone had dined here in the past, but before anyone could answer, she looked straight at me and said, “Well I know you have, you come in here all the time.”

I heard a story one time about a sleepwalker whose condition was so bad, he once went out to the beach in the middle of the night and murdered someone. In his sleep.

Was I too plagued by sleepwalking?

But instead of murder, I just go to brunch?

If that’s the case, if my inner psyche craves brunch so badly that it goes without my conscious mind realizing, then I must be more white girl than I realized and I will now have to stop italicizing brunching. You can congratulate me with a yoga mat and a glass of rosé.

But no – I’m not a brunch sleepwalker.

I can only attribute this burden with one truth: I just have one of those faces.

YOUR CELEBRITY LOOK-A-LIKE IS…

In addition to people thinking I’m someone else, or someone they’ve seen before, I get a lot of “You remind me so much of this other person…” I’m often compared to someone’s neighbor, someone’s coworker, or someone’s distant cousin.

Last week, I was compared to someone’s son’s wife’s sister (“But don’t worry, she’s very pretty. It’s a compliment.”).

I’ve also received a handful of celebrity comparisons in my day, but here’s the thing: I’ve never gotten anyone more than once.

One time at a blood drive in high school, one of the nurses was convinced I looked just like…

Jennifer Aniston

One time when I was a server, a customer at my table told me I looked exactly like…

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Once a stranger told me I was the spitting image of…

Jessica Biel

A former coworker used to constantly say how much I resembled…

Jenna Fischer (but only in The Office)

One time on a press trip, a fellow writer told me I reminded her so much of…

Velma

The internet thinks I look like…

Serena Ryder (I had to look up who that is)

But everyone always tells me I could pass for…

Carmen Electra

Okay, maybe I made that one up

WAIT A SECOND. ARE YOU JUST FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS, HOPING PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU THAT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE QUITE LIKE YOU … AND THAT MAYBE YOU DO ACTUALLY KIND OF RESEMBLE CARMEN ELECTRA?

Yes.

Thank you all in advance.

I’m a Mom. What’s Your Superpower?

“I am proud of many things in life, but nothing beats being a mother.”

On March 23, 2019, things changed forever when life handed me the greatest gift of all: motherhood.

When this new special little addition joined my world, my life turned upside down, in all the best ways. I’ve never known a joy like this before; it’s exhilarating, euphoric, and – exhausting.

But it’s all worth it. Please welcome my new little bundle of joy ❤ ❤ ❤

Welcome to the world, my perfect angel.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.

“Just when you think you know love, something little comes along to remind you how big it really is.”

“Still the most magical day of my life was the day I became a mom.”

“Yes, I gave you life, but really, you gave me mine.”

“We don’t lose ourselves in parenthood. We find parts of ourselves we never knew existed.”

“Being a mom isn’t an easy job, but it’s definitely the best job anyone could ever ask for.”

“Motherhood has shown me love in a way that I desperately hoped was real. An innocent, pure, unconditional love.”

“The great paradox of parenting is that it moves in both slow motion and fast speed.”

“If I know what love is, it is because of you.”

“Successful mothers are not the ones who never struggled, they are the ones that never gave up despite the struggle.”

“A brother is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit.”

“There is no role in life more essential or more eternal than that of motherhood.”

“When you look at your mother, you’re looking at the purest love you’ll ever know.”