A Post Dedicated to the Post Dedicated to My T-Shirt

I rarely (never) repost things I’ve written, but I have absolutely nothing to say about St. Patrick’s Day this year.

So I figured I would dig back into the blog I had while backpacking through Europe; back to  the time I went to Ireland and embarrassed myself at the most touristy location in the country, while wearing a shirt I found at Five Below the day before St. Patrick’s Day circa 2015.

Just to make sure everyone knew I was an American experiencing Europe for the first time.


August 5, 2015

A Post Dedicated to My T-Shirt

I found you on a shelf at Five Below, stuffed behind other t-shirts of your kind, unfolded and wrinkled by shoppers that were disinterested by your size or color.

You were manufactured as a St. Patrick’s Day prop, designed to be worn underneath light-up green necklaces and tall green hats with fuzzy orange beards attached to them. But you had one desire, Shirt. It was simple and straightforward, and printed in bold letters across your front. Your words didn’t say “Take Me to a Crowded Beer Festival!” ” Wipe Your Artificially Green-Colored Throw-Up On My Sleeve!” “Throw Me Away On March 18!”

You said that you wanted to “Kiss My Blarney Stone,” and the moment you were mine, I was determined to help you accomplish that mission.

And although I did once put you through many rounds of Guinness and too many Irish car bombs, I also eventually assisted you in fulfilling your destiny.

I tucked you safely into my suitcase before trekking to Europe. You and I flew across the world and once we got to Dublin, we took a three-hour bus ride to Cork, Ireland. We explored the Blarney Castle, sought out hidden passageways and learned about the history of its royal inhabitants. We climbed further and further up the stone staircase until we got to the roof of the castle.

At that point, Shirt, you were revealed from under my jacket (because, let’s face it, I was way too humiliated to be showing you off in the middle of Ireland) and we slowly slid down to kiss the Blarney Stone, the focal point of your only desire.

From this point forward you will either be worn inside out by me or on St. Patrick’s Day by a fun-loving Goodwill shopper, but no matter what, you will forever be blessed by the luck o’ the Irish stone.

img_2919

Advertisements

The Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services

I haven’t paid for an oil change in almost a decade, and now I think I’m going to have to.

This is a very big deal.

For years, I mean years, I was a regular participant in the Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services. The Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services offers all individuals a free oil change voucher if they donate blood at select Midas of Richmond locations on select days throughout the year.

I love free stuff, and I love donating blood. This blood drive was basically made for me, is what I’m saying.

I used to put the Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services events on my calendar, cancel plans with friends, and call out of work to make sure I could be present for each and every one.

The rate at which I was getting oil changes wasn’t nearly equivalent to the rate at which I was donating blood, and the Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services free oil change vouchers were piling up rapidly.

Which is totally fine, because they’re eligible to redeem for a full year after your original blood donation (or longer than that if you get a pen and change the date yourself).

Now, even though the Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services is a fantastic arrangement, I’m not saying that Midas is the greatest place to get an oil change. In fact, sometimes it’s a very unpleasant experience. In addition to an oil change, the mechanics offer to do a complimentary inspection of your car; which, if you’ve ever been offered a “complimentary inspection,” you know it translates into them finding very minor repairs on your car, and explaining that these repairs need to be done as soon as possible. Like, today. And then they kindly offer to do them for you while you’re here, all they need is one easy payment of like a million dollars.

Last time I was at Midas getting my free oil change from the Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services, the mechanic pulled this number on me, and it’s possible I cut him off snippily and told him I wasn’t interested in hearing it.

In my defense, I never asked them to do a complimentary inspection of my car.

In his defense, he was probably extremely accurate about all of the things he found wrong with it.

In my defense, I went online later and wrote that particular Midas location a very tender-hearted Yelp review. Mostly out of guilt.

Anyway, all this is to say, I’m out of oil change vouchers, and I simply don’t know what to do. Eventually I had to stop donating blood at the Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services for tattoo-related reasons. But I’ve gotten so used to having this service done for free, I just don’t think I can go back to the life of paying for oil changes.

And I’ve just recently hit the 5,000-mile mark – which, yes, I know that technically you don’t have to get your oil changed that often, but my car is on the verge of antique-plate status, plus there’s so many other things wrong with it that getting an oil change every 5,000 miles is the least I can do. Not to mention the oil light flashes at me very quickly every few days. Which, based on the light’s sporadic, unpredictable, and brief nature, is probably more of a wire shortage than anything else.

And yes, it has occurred to me that the light is my car’s way of telling me that this is just its time and that I should just let it die in peace, thank you for asking.

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas as to how I can get a free oil change (by, say, tomorrow morning), please let me know. Otherwise I’ve started a GoFundMe page to give you all a chance to help ensure that I still don’t have to pay for my next oil change.

Another option would be for any of you to go to the next Midas of Richmond Blood Drive with Virginia Blood Services and obtain a voucher for me. The next one is March 31.

CAR-Midas-Group-800

The Undercover Boss Drinking Game

If there’s one thing I learned about reality TV, it’s that every episode is the same.

And if there’s one thing I learned in college, it’s that anything can be made into a drinking game.

So I present to you…

The Undercover Boss Drinking Game

 

The Introduction of the Undercover Boss

Take a shot if…

There’s a scene with the Undercover Boss playing basketball with their kids – in a manner as if they didn’t just install the hoop before the episode to make it seem like CEOs actually have time for that kind of thing.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss is in a conference room at the office explaining the situation, and all of the employees are trying to look interested and supportive because they know they’re on camera.

The Image Transformation

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss puts on a fake tattoo.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss looks a little bit like Guy Fieri.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss shaves their beard into a goatee, because that’s so much different than a beard.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss’s idea of looking younger is bad highlights and bell bottoms.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss looks better than they did before.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss looks the exact same.

The Job

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss comes up with a really lame excuse for the camera crew (i.e. “I’m entering a reality show contest for funding to start my own bakery” or “This is just my family that likes to film me all the time”)

Take a shot if…

The trainer makes the Undercover Boss call her Moka.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss is definitely regretting their decision to do this.

Take a shot if…

The trainer of the Undercover Boss is mildly patronizing towards the Undercover Boss because why is a 45-year-old woman wanting to work at a mall Cinnabon anyway?

Take a shot if…

There’s a clip of the Undercover Boss doing really poorly at their new job, and then a clip of them explaining (gloating) to the camera that they’ve just never had to do this kind of work before.

Take a shot if…

Oh no somebody recognizes the Undercover Boss!!!!!

Take a shot if…

The trainer of the Undercover Boss is very obviously about to explode but pulls themselves together last minute because they remember they’re on TV.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss keeps trying to get a woman to buy the product, even after she tells them she’s diabetic (this is only relates to the Cinnabon episode).

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss spends way too much time asking the customers about their thoughts on the company.

Take a shot if…

The trainer of the Undercover Boss is definitely going to get fired because of their ‘tude.

The One-on-One Talks

Take a shot if…

The trainer of the Undercover Boss shares an unusually substantial amount of intimate information after just meeting.

Take a shot if…

The trainer says something about how they really want to go to college but can’t afford it. (Set aside a shot if you think the Undercover Boss is going to offer them $15,000 towards a higher education).

Take a shot if…

The trainer of the Undercover Boss starts rapping when the Undercover Boss asks what he does in his free time (this only relates to the Johnny Rockets episode).

Take a shot if…

If the coworker talks about their passion for their job.

Take a shot if…

If the coworker talks about their passion for the customers.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss tells the camera that this experience has taught them so much, such as how all people are connected in one way or another.

The Big Reveal!

Take a shot if…

The employee with a bad attitude gets sent back to training instead of getting fired like they deserve because the Undercover Boss wants to look like a good person.

Take a shot if…

The employee cries.

Take a shot if…

The Undercover Boss cries.

Take a shot if…

You start to cry.

Take a shot if…

The employee pretends to cry because they know they’re supposed to.

Take a shot if…

The employee doesn’t look surprised at all because Undercover Boss has been a show for eight seasons, plus there’s an entire camera crew in the building and a 63-year-old who wants to get a job as a cashier so how could anyone not have known what was happening?


 

undercover_boss

You Are Cordially Invited to Rachel’s Second Annual 29th Birthday! (Get it?)

Okay, so, I’m actually turning 30, but due to the societal expectations that turning 30 entails – with at least a dozen things that I feel like I should have gotten done at this point and haven’t even come close to (including but not limited to: buying a house, getting married, sending out Christmas cards with my new husband and our adopted cat that say something like “Meowy Christmas,” driving a car different from the one I had in college, paying for my own Netflix account, starting a Pinterest board, and posting to my Instagram page at least one inspirational quote written against the backdrop of a beach) – I had the idea to instead celebrate my 29th birthday again.

I’ll probably keep doing this “annual 29th birthday” bit until around 36 or 37, in which case I’ll give in to my real age because I’ll be in my late 30’s, and by then fake pretending to still be in my 20’s will just be sad, to the point where even my most forgiving friends won’t be able to pretend to laugh anymore.

Until of course, I turn 40 – and at that point, I’ll have my second annual 39th birthday, forgetting that I originally made the same ten joke years prior, while all of my friends politely chuckle at my wit while secretly feeling sorry for me that I didn’t accomplish as much as I should have by my 40th year (including but not limited to: buying a house, getting married, cat, Christmas cards, Pinterest, etc).

I’ll continue this cycle until my 60th birthday, in which case I won’t care anymore because I’ll either 1) have the unfiltered confidence of a late middle-aged woman and will finally come to peace with my age because at the end of the day, who really cares about that? or 2) have no sense of humor anymore, even an unoriginal one.

Anyway, you are all cordially invited to join me for my second annual 29th birthday.

Which is secretly my 30th, but please don’t spread that around.

1653299_586087659959_1172075124_n

Sorry not sorry Yvette

My “Before I Turn 30” Bucket List

Someone recently asked me if I had a “Before I Turn 30” bucket list.

First of all, no I don’t.

Second of all, that sounds like a great idea that you could have asked me about 20 years ago.

However, if I had to guess what would have been on that bucket list, I think it would’ve looked something like this…

Things I want to accomplish before the age of 30:

  • Appear on Oprah
  • Run a marathon
  • Publish a book with a foreword by J.K. Rowling
  • Water ski
  • Ride a camel through a Spanish desert
  • Go on a safari in Africa
  • Learn another language
  • Join the Peace Corps
  • Trek the Inca Trail
  • Become a famous ballerina (on the list from 5-year-old me)
  • Hike Mount Everest
  • Adopt a child from a third world country to bring them out of the poverty that they would otherwise face
  • Fly in a hot air balloon over the Swiss Alps
  • Shake hands with a president (present company excluded)
  • Go camping in the Alaskan countryside and witness Northern Lights
  • Bungee jump in the Grand Canyon
  • Learn how to play the piano
  • Learn ballroom dancing
  • Marry Aladdin (5-year-old me again)
  • Jump off a waterfall in New Zealand
  • Get a Ph.D.
  • Take a gondola ride in Venice
  • Ride on the back of a hunky Italian’s moped
  • Mentor a child and make a difference in their life!
  • Swim in the beaches of Hawaii
  • Learn sign language
  • Learn how to knit
  • Airboat across an alligator-infested swamp
  • Attend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
  • Get married in a mid-century European castle

 

Unfortunately, I never did make a pre-30 bucket list, so none of those things happened. On a more optimistic note, though, here’s a list of…

Things I actually accomplished before the age of 30:

  • Born
  • Got my first kiss!
  • Met a Power Ranger
  • Sort of learned how to juggle
  • Visited the Outer Banks
  • Read over 25 Babysitter’s Club books
  • Convinced Cheeburger Cheeburger to let me participate in the Pounder Challenge with veggie burgers
  • Graduated from a bunch of different places, including college and Greenfield Elementary School
  • Went apple picking that one time
  • Started wearing colored contacts
  • Stopped wearing colored contacts
  • Adopted a fish
  • Accidentally lived in a cult
  • Ran with the bulls (in Petersburg, but whatever)
  • Saw the Pope
  • Fed a monkey on the side of the road˙
  • Got a tattoo that means absolutely nothing
  • Tried stand-up comedy
  • Saw Levar Stoney at a bar
  • Taught my dad how to send a text message
  • Held a koala
  • Learned how to drive a stick shift
  • Kissed the Blarney Stone
  • Rode an elephant
  • Flew first class twice, both times on accident
  • Sang Chop Suey in public
  • Called out of work to go sandboarding

Now to get started on that pre-40 bucket list.

534542_10151474330250526_39058263_n

New Year, New Blog

The New Year is here (11 days ago) and that can only mean one thing (for this single blog who has nothing else to think about but itself): what to write about in 2018.

My ideas are beginning to run dry after having started this blog 5 years ago. I’ve already covered my former life as a barista, my thoughts on Valentine’s Day, why I think Donald Trump was the right person to take office, the looming demise of my CR-V, the time I almost got dine-and-dashed, and the rigorous plight of my vegetarianism.

But I’ve come up with a list of potential posts, which I’d like to share.

I will a accept feedback and votes, and shortly will open the polls for my mom and the three other people who read this.


  • What the World Is Going to Be Like at the Age of 30
  • Should I Grow a Mustache for Movember?FullSizeRender
  • What It’s Like to Be a Former Blonde
  • Why Can’t I Ever Spell “Triscuit” Correctly the First Time?
  • Texas Pete vs. Cholula (seriously, I can’t decide)
  • Poached vs. Soft-boiled (seriously, I can’t decide)
  • Crunchy vs. Smooth (seriously…)
  • Shop at Walmart vs. Starve to Death (no, but seriously)
  • “I Used to Want a Pony When I Was a Kid, but Now I Don’t at All!” Subtitled: Life Is so Crazy Sometimes
  • The Last 25 Things I Googled
  • The Last 25 Things I Bought on Amazon
  • What It’s Like to Be My Roommate
  • “Do I Need to Start Thinking About Retirement?” Subtitled: Why Did I Say That Stupid Thing to My Crush in College, and Other Things That Keep Me up at Night
  • What Earth Day Means to Me (please vote for this one, because I already wrote it in sixth grade so it would save me a lot of time)photo 3
  • Famous People I’ve Met, Like Tig Notaro and the Green Power Ranger
  • Famous People Who Signed My Cast, Like Tig Notaro and the Green Power Ranger
  • Movies I’ve Watched Just to Feel Smarter
  • “The Weird Noise My Car Is Making.” Subtitled: I Know I Should Just Get Another One, Shut Up
  • Things on My “Before 30” Bucket List That I Definitely Didn’t Accomplish
  • “Bananagrams.” Subtitled: Other Useless Things I’m Pretty Good At
  • The Time in Amsterdam When I Went to Bed at 5:30 p.m.
  • Hangover Cures When You Don’t Eat Bacon: A Guide for Vegetarians
  • Do I Really Ever Need to Learn How to Use a Lawnmower?
  • Movies I’ve Never Seen That Everyone Says “You’ve Never Seen It?!” When I Tell Them I’ve Never Seen It
  • The Time I Went to the Wendy Williams Show
  • “Pillow Drool.” Subtitled: And Other Things You Probably Don’t Want to Know About Me
  • The Time I Thought I Could Get Rid of My Bangs By Just Cutting The Hair Off at the Root
  • The Time I Ate 53 Papa John’s Pepperoncinis in an Hour Because of a Dare
  • The Three Wishes I Would Make If a Genie Came Out of a Lamp
  • Things I Use Way Past Their Expiration Date
  • Things I Eat Way Past Their Expiration Date
  • “The Time I Wrote a Fake Article About South of the Border and It Went Viral” Subtitled: We Used to Vacation There When I Was a Kidtrump-team-starts-wall-at-south-of-the-border
  • Why I Think Donald Trump Might Have Alzheimer’s
  • Why I Hate Shopping Villages
  • 30 Fun Facts! Including How I Used to Eat Snow Cones Without the Syrup!
  • Lukewarm Coffee Is Always Better Than Hot Coffee
  • The Time I Cried at Cracker Barrel

My New Year’s Resolutions

I love the New Year. It’s the opportunity for a fresh start, a new year, a turned-over leaf. It’s a way to eliminate bad habits and create good ones.

As an unmarried, childless twenty-something, I’ve developed my fair share of bad habits – generally formed out of laziness, apathy, or constantly being in a rush. But I’m determined that 2018 will be the year of an improved lifestyle, better habits, and pouring milk into a glass rather than drinking it out of the carton.

That’s why I created my list of New Year’s resolutions. Wish me luck.

  • Eat meals sitting down like a normal person instead of standing over my kitchen counter

This goes back to the whole “laziness” thing. After preparing something to eat, why can’t I just travel the three-foot distance from the counter to the chair? These are the unexplainable questions nobody knows the answer to.

  • Stop biting my cuticles

This has been on my New Year’s resolution list since 2004. 2018 could be the year!

  • Watch something on TV besides Shark Tank

Or Undercover Boss.

  • Learn how to take a selfie

You would think it wouldn’t be that hard.

IMG_8623

  • Buy birthday cards ahead of time rather than on my way to the actual birthday party

For some reason, it never occurs to me to get the card until 15 minutes before the event starts. Note: this resolution also counts for, but is not limited to, occasions such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, anniversaries, and baby showers.

  • Get the driver’s side door of my car repaired so that it finally opens from the inside

It does get a little embarrassing as people watch me roll down my window and open the door using the outside handle, or see me crawl across the entire front seat to get out of the passenger’s side, like a bored child at a restaurant.

  • Fill up the Brita pitcher when it gets empty, dammit

Sometimes I think subconsciously, I’m hoping that my Brita pitcher will just learn to do this on its own. I’m beginning to believe that that’s just wishful thinking.

  • Stop putting Texas Pete hot sauce on almost everything I eat

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

  • Learn how to make Minute Rice without ruining it

It’s hard though, you guys.

  • Floss

So I can stop lying to my dentist.

  • Use utensils to eat leftovers

Rather than with my hands, on the couch, in sweatpants

  • Pay attention to the time when I check my phone for…the time

Oh I got a message! Oh I forgot to text my mom back! Oh I need to set my alarm for tomorrow! Oh I wonder if my photo on Instagram got any comments! Oh I need to get back to what I was doing!

Wait, what time did my phone, which I’ve been staring at for half an hour, say?

  • A little less “Taco Tuesday”

And maybe a little more “Salad Sunday.”

  • Grow out my nails to a natural length rather than cutting off the white parts every five days

IMG_8630

  • Take the “Are you still there?” message from Netflix as an indication that it’s time to stop watching TV

And then maybe go read a book, or like, actually leave my apartment.

  • Remove my clothes from the dryer when they’re done, clean up after myself in the kitchen, and take out the trash once in awhile

Okay, so I made some New Year’s resolutions for my roommate too.