Small Town Santa

movieposterThis week I thought I would find something a little less…romantic (which, you guys, is so hard when finding a Christmas movie. Something about this holiday sure puts movie makers in the mood).

But, I in fact, found one that has very little to do with romance and a lot to do with Santa going to jail.

Small Town Santa: On the eve of Christmas, Sheriff Rick Langston has lost his holiday spirit. But when he arrests a home intruder claiming to be Santa Claus, his world gets turned upside down.

Let’s go.

Beginning scene: A young whiny girl is on the phone with her dad, begging him to come over for Christmas. The dad, a handsome local sheriff, sits at his desk in the dark at the police station and gives her excuse after excuse about how “Your mom and I don’t get along too well.”

Then a bunch of stuff happens that doesn’t matter at all, like Young Whiny Girl having a dream about being in Santa’s toy shop, or a couple of naughty teenage hooligans coming into the police station after throwing eggs at a house.

A few hours later, a homeless man comes into the police station, turning himself in for stealing the local church’s baby Jesus from the nativity scene (oh no!!). Clearly he just wants a hot meal and a place to sleep, and that fact doesn’t escape the sassy black female cop (diversity!). She tells him no sirree! But the other two cops, Handsome Local Sheriff and this scrawny blonde cop, insist that she let him go to the jail cell. Which is for some reason located within their small office.

A bunch more unimportant stuff happens, like how we learn that Scrawny Blonde Cop has a toddler, a wife, and a terrible relationship with his trashy mother-in-law. The next few scenes are also laced with more witty comments from Sassy Black Female Cop, of course. And a scene where Handsome Local Sheriff yells at kids for throwing snowballs as he drives home.

When Handsome Local Sheriff gets home, he finds a jolly old man with a white beard and a red plaid shirt in his kitchen. He claims he’s Santa! Just looking for cookies! But Handsome Local Sheriff doesn’t buy it, and brings him to the jail with Alcoholic Homeless Man.

While they’re at the sheriff’s office, a hot blonde mom and her teenage daughter come to the station to deliver canned goods. Chimes play. Looks like there IS some romance in this movie! Unfortunately, the daughter is a sassy rebellious teenager. Ugh.

A bunch of other stuff happens that doesn’t matter at all.

Some more stuff happens that doesn’t matter at all.

Nativity scene with a stuff monkey (baby Jesus got stolen remember?)

In the meantime, Alcoholic Homeless Man and Jolly Old Man Claiming to be Santa have a lot of heartwarming interactions in the jail cell. Jolly Old Man Claiming to be Santa even convinces Alcoholic Homeless Man to stop drinking! It’s a Christmas miracle.

Some more scenes about the Hot Blonde Mom and Handsome Local Sheriff bonding.

Some church scenes.

Handsome Local Sheriff comes back to the sheriff station to check on his inmates. A lot of heartwarming conversation later, he lets them out. Another Christmas miracle.

The climax! At Scrawny Cop’s house (yes, his trashy mother-in-law is there! Drinking too much white wine as usual!) The whole town has shown up, and everyone is in the Christmas spirit. In fact, Alcoholic Homeless Man has decided to become a realtor again like he was before he became alcoholic and homeless.

He overhears a conversation about how a recently engaged woman (yes, we see the proposal!) needs to find a new house now that she’s getting married. He gives her his realtor card…guys, I think everything is going to work out for everyone.

I won’t spoil the ending or tell you about how Handsome Local Sheriff and Hot Blonde Mom kiss by the fireplace, but it’s surely a movie that will give you the holiday tingles.

A Christmas Kiss

kissChristmas is upon us. We’re past the beginning stages, and right in the thick of the holiday season. That means Christmas music on every radio station, tacky light tours everywhere you go, and a craving for Starbucks like you didn’t even know you could have.

It also means that it’s finally time for Hallmark to finally play its famous Christmas movies, FINALLY. Hallmark Christmas movies are the best film genre ever, and I look forward to them every year. They’re extremely heartwarming, nothing bad ever actually happens, and they all end really, really happily.

I have a new favorite, one I discovered on Thanksgiving, called A Christmas Kiss.

Here’s a brief synopsis of my new favorite movie. If this seems like a movie you might be interested in learning more about, read further. There may be spoilers.

A Christmas Kiss: A struggling designer is mortified to learn that the mysterious man she kissed in a falling elevator is her callous boss’s boyfriend.

Let’s go.

Beginning scene: Our main girl (let’s call her the “Struggling Designer” because I don’t want to ruin everything for you guys) is walking around on the set of The Nutcracker. In under a minute we learn that 1) she no longer is working as a set designer, which she’s done for so many years in the past because she’s 2) pursuing a job as an interior designer and she’s 3) gotten a job as the personal assistant for a famous, well-respected, well-connected, and not-well-mannered (her new boss is a huge bitch!) interior designer.

In this scene we also meet Struggling Designer’s roommate and best friend, who just got the job as a makeup artist for The Nutcracker. But she doesn’t matter because she’s just a side character. But she’s black, so she matters a little. So we’ll call her Token Black Girl, Who is Only There to Show Diversity Among the Cast. Isn’t it great that Struggling Designer has such a variety of friends?

Struggling Designer then gets a text from her White Roommate, saying that they need to celebrate Token Black Girl, Who is Only There to Show Diversity Among the Cast’s new gig as The Nutcracker makeup artist, by going “out on the town.”

In the next scene, we see the three girls in their apartment, getting ready for a night out. Struggling Designer is certainly getting glammed up, and boy does she look fancy! She’s got TONS of glittery eyeliner, ruby red lipstick, and a big, glitzy hairband.

I barely recognized her from before!

The girls exchange some witty banter about body glitter, and then Struggling Designer’s phone rings. It’s her mean boss! Who’s telling her that her flight is late and asks her to go to her apartment to turn the heat up and turn on a few lights.

“Yeah, that seems normal,” says White Roommate sarcastically.

After doing the chores for her boss, Struggling Designer gets into the elevator to go meet up with her friends. A handsome man gets on. They exchange some small talk WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE ELEVATOR STARTS TO SHAKE AND THEY FALL INTO EACH OTHER’S ARMS AND THEY KISS.

And the movie begins.

In the next scene, we meet Struggling Designer’s boss, Not Struggling Designer. As promised, she’s a demanding bitch. But at the end of the scene, as Struggling Designer is being forced out the door, Not Struggling Designer’s boyfriend appears (from his 3-month long business trip in Europe), and GET THIS, it’s THE GUY FROM THE ELEVATOR.

I mean what are the odds??

Anyway, we find out that Hottie from the Elevator asks his girlfriend, Not Struggling Designer, to decorate his house for a Christmas party. This is a boring scene, okay, but important information for later.

Fast forward a few scenes with the roommates talking about Struggling Designer’s new dilemma (including a bunch of witty comments from Token Black Girl, Who is Only There to Show Diversity Among the Cast!)

And then a few more scenes about Struggling Designer and Not Struggling Designer working on the plans for the Christmas Party at Hottie from the Elevator’s Christmas party.

And then something huge happens…Struggling Designer and White Roommate are at Hottie from the Elevator’s house with Not Struggling Designer WHEN SUDDENLY WHITE ROOMMATE ACCIDENTALLY HITS NOT STRUGGLING DESIGNER IN THE FACE WITH A POLE AND SHE GETS A HUGE BLACK EYE. Obviously, no one can see her like this, especially her boyfriend, so she goes to New York to see her plastic surgeon and leaves Struggling Designer to finish decorating for the Christmas party on her own.

Fast forward a few scenes with Struggling Designer bonding super hard with Hottie from the Elevator (who somehow still doesn’t remember her from the elevator event, by the way).

Fast forward a few more scenes of them clearly falling in love over Christmas tree shopping and figgy pudding tasting.

Fast forward to one night when they’re decorating his house together and eating Chinese food takeout; they fall asleep while watching Christmas movies together on the couch.

AND NOT STRUGGLING DESIGNER WALKS IN ON THEM ASLEEP ON THE COUCH THE NEXT MORNING BOY IS SHE MAD.

Not Struggling Designer sends Struggling Designer home immediately. A few hours later, she calls her, demands that she come back over, forces her to clean up the Chinese food takeout, and tells Struggling Designer that, yes, she is fired.

Hottie from the Elevator is devastated when he finds out, obvi.

Anyway, his party happens and everyone who’s anyone shows up to it. Meanwhile, backstage at The Nutcracker, Struggling Designer, Not Struggling Designer, and Hottie from the Elevator get into a minor tussle because emotions! It ends poorly but the stage manager drops a cardboard-cutout Nutcracker onto Not Struggling Designer for a little comic relief.

In the next shot, Struggling Designer gets onto the elevator, and you wouldn’t believe who gets on behind her.

Yup. She and Hottie from the Elevator are back again. Then a kiss occurs. Then a smile.

Anyway, I can’t tell you the end but my gosh is it a heartwarmer. You wouldn’t believe the warm tinglies you’ll get from this movie.

All I’m saying is, don’t deprive yourselves of Christmas joy this season.