Make America American Again

Well, we’ve had a week to settle into the election results.

From what I’ve gathered over the past few days, there are a handful of people disgruntled about Donald Trump winning the election. But frankly, I can’t understand why. For almost two years (plus the many, many years before!) we’ve learned about his foolproof strategies, practical opinions, and wholesome business operations.

But if any of you still need a recap on why this is the greatest thing to happen in American history (excluding the time Christopher C. founded our great land! What would we have done without him, that hero!), I have some reminders that you may not have considered.

Old White Man Lives Matter

Friends, let’s not forget that Barack Obama (a black man!) has been in office for EIGHT YEARS. Eight years, folks. That’s eight full years without a white man in charge; at this point, white men are feeling a little overlooked, and let’s not forget that their feelings matter. They want to rule the country too, you know, and after eight years it’s their turn. To think, we almost let a woman take that from them.

Make America American Again

Argh, is anyone else sick of all the growing diversity in this country!? Hispanics, Native Americans, Asians, Muslims…my gosh, I can feel my cultural awareness rapidly expanding as we speak! Make it stop! We need to do everything we can to reclaim our country to its original inhabitants.

When Christopher Columbus first set foot here in the 1400s, he didn’t say, “Hey, looks like there are a lot of Indians here. That’s great for diversifying the country. Here are some blankets as a peace offering and to keep you warm.”

No! He filled those blankets with white person diseases, because, hey, what were those Indians doing trying to take over our country?

He loves me…he loves me not…

Donald Trump got a lot of flack for his inconsistencies during the election season. Do you have a plan for tax reforms? You don’t? Oh, you do but you’re keeping it a secret? Are you actually a Democrat? A Republican? Are you pro-life? Pro-choice? Pro-life? Do you support gay marriage? You don’t? Oh, you do? Now you don’t?

Aren’t we fortunate that we’ll have a president willing to change his mind based on what his people want? Isn’t that the mark of a dedicated leader, someone who listens to his country and alternates his beliefs in order to remain popular? I can tell you this, we can look forward to one very adaptable presidency!

Does this wall mean…what I think it means?

Donald Tru—I mean, President Trump! Wants to build a wall around the Mexican border to inhibit anyone from taking initiative to a better life in America.

I know, I know; once we eliminate Mexico, everyone is worried about what will happen to places like Chipotle and Taco Bell after this wall is built. But if you recall, Mr. Trump took this picture of himself eating a taco bowl, saying that he “loves Hispanics!” So while the people will be gone (finally some job security around here!), I have a feeling that fresh guac and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos will still be widely available! Who wants to celebrate with a frozen margarita?

You’re FHired!

Reality TV is a huge part of American culture. In fact, it’s basically all we watch anymore. And frankly all that really matters because gosh, the news is boring.

No way would I ever trust anyone in the Oval Office who doesn’t have experience in the reality television world. Even better if it’s someone who created superficial business objectives and got to publicly fire people during every show. And mercifully, our future president has over ten seasons of reality show experience (Apprentice fans, whaddup!) If anyone has doubts about Donald Trump and his ability to lead the United States of America, I suggest looking up the show. I recommend starting with the episode where the contestants had to create a promotional figure for Dairy Queen (you won’t believe what they came up with!)

Women’s Wrongs, Am I Right?!

Ladies, I am so proud of us. Can I just say that, as a woman, for one second? I’m so proud of us. We can vote, we can own land, we can even wear pants without anyone batting an eye. AND, we’ve taken control over our bodies. It’s 2016, and it’s not acceptable for any man to grab us at their leisure, or kiss us whenever they find us attractive.

Unless, of course, that man is rich and powerful. Money excuses all actions. Things that would be inappropriate for a normal individual to do are actually fine if he has enough money and authority. If you ever forget that, ladies, just remember who your president is!

Miss Piggy

I would be remiss to not mention a couple of controversial things that Trump said during his career. I think, if everyone has been following the debates, we all remember the “Miss Piggy” incident. A Miss Universe winner, Alicia Machado, won the pageant contest in 1996. Months after the pageant, she resurfaced 40lbs heavier. Then the owner of the Miss Universe contest, Donald Trump called her out for her shift in weight by referring to her as “Miss Piggy” and telling the media that obviously she’s “somebody that likes to eat.”

Guys, Miss Universe has one job and one job only. And that job is to remain thin and pretty so as to make other women in the world feel bad about their flaws.

And she failed.

And as a failure, she was completely susceptible to people’s criticisms. Trump took advantage of this, calling her Miss Piggy (get it? Because she had gained weight, much like a pig? But that’s also the name of a female pig Muppet, so the insult has double meaning). And now everyone is all upset about him calling her out for her weight. But you know, if she had kept her one promise to the people of this planet, she wouldn’t have to face his critical jabs. The truth hurts sometimes, guys.

So, can we all agree to stop with these protests and anti-Trump rallies?

Friends, let’s bring this country back to how our Founding Fathers intended. Sexist, racist, and most accommodating to the wealthy. Don’t you want America to be great again?



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