Ask Me Anything: I Broke My Foot

The rumors are true, folks: my foot is broken. A little bone connected to my left pinky toe has snapped, and I’ve been sentenced to crutches and/or a Transformer-esque boot for the next, well, eternity. I’ve had a lot of questions thrown my way, and I thought I would just go ahead and answer them all at once.

So go ahead. Ask me anything.


Are crutches still cool as an adult?

Yeah, cooler actually.

What has been the worst part about having a broken foot?

The pain.

No, really.

Everyone at work knowing how much coffee I drink because I need someone to bring it to my desk.

Are you afraid that there’s going to be a zombie apocalypse?

Is this in relation to my broken foot?

No.

Okay.

Can I see a picture of the injury?

I’m never one for showing explicit pics unless prompted so if you want to see that or the x-ray, please let me know. I. LOVE. SHARING. GROSS. STUFF.

How many people have suggested gluing the bone back together?

Not enough to make me try it.

Have your biceps gotten bigger since you started living your life on crutches?

Yes they have, thank you for asking. Do you want to see?

No.

Okay.

Do you have osteoporosis?

Why does everyone keep asking me that.

Do you have a chair in the middle of your kitchen so you can actually cook?

Are you stalking me?

Will you ever get better?

I don’t think so.

Are you still okay at driving?

Are you just asking me that because I’m a woman?

How long do you have to use crutches?

The doctor said anywhere between four weeks and the rest of my life.

Is everyone a little nicer to you?

Yes.

Is it a little annoying?

Yes.

But is it mostly really nice?

Oh yes.

Have you picked up any men while on crutches?

You would think.

Did you break your foot just so you could pick up men?

You would think.

Do you get to pick a friend to leave class early with and carry your backpack?

Stop that.

And now for the question on everybody’s mind, Rachel. How did… [DRAMATIC PAUSE] …it happen?

Some theories:

  • I stepped on a George Foreman grill while making bacon for my breakfast in bed.
  • I saved a school bus full of orphans before it drove off a cliff.
  • I had decided to do all of my own stunts in the upcoming Avengers movie and boy was that a mistake!
  • I tried to stage dive into the crowd at an AC/DC concert and no one caught me.
  • I was the competing on American Ninja Warrior and I broke it on that huge ramp thing.
  • I was doing a trust fall with Oprah.
  • You should see the other guy (amirite!)
  • I was bungee jumping or doing something equally as cool.
  • I was quail hunting with Dick Cheney (the joke that never dies!)
  • I don’t talk about Fight Club.
  • I fell in love with the man of my dreams but like I literally fell and so my foot broke.
  • Something about MMA (way too lazy to look up terms to make this seem even mildly plausible).
  • I was surfing. With…Fabio (stop it, I’m trying.)
  • Something…I don’t know, something about Hunger Games.

Okay I am running out of made up excuses so here’s how I actually broke my foot:

I was running down the stairs to get to my apartment, because I was late to brunch with my dear friend Francesca, and I slipped on the mat in front of my door and fell down. Like in the same manner that an old woman would.

Then one of the bones in my left foot snapped.

And man, did that hurt.

But it’s a super lame story, so I’m going to pick one of the ones that I said before.

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Say “Yeah I Guess” to the Dress

Confession: this past week, I’ve watched more Say Yes to the Dress than I previously had in my entire life combined – including that one time when I was babysitting and couldn’t figure out how to work the family’s TV, forcing me to sit through TLC’s SYTTD marathon all night.

If you’re not familiar with Say Yes to the Dress (lucky you), this show follows future brides during their wedding dress try-on session. The brides bring a posse, which usually consists of /usually some combination of 1) an overbearing mother who either doesn’t like anything the bride tries on or cries a lot, 2) a jealous sister, 3) a best friend, 4) a brother who works very hard to act like he wants to be there, even when his sister tries on some very cleavage-enhancing gowns.

Occasionally the fiancé himself gets invited too (which never goes well because he’s always the most obnoxiously vocal one of the group).

I’ve learned a lot from this experience (including the decision to just wear one of the dresses I already have in my closet whenever I get married), and managed to record my favorite highlights.

Oh, I almost forgot – if you’re wondering WHY I did this to myself, it was all in the name of art and research … and now for the very related shameless plug: mark your calendars for the Coalition Theater’s Valentine’s Day show on Feb. 13-15!

My Favorite Quotes from the Say Yes to the Dress Era of my Life

“You don’t look like a hippo.” – The future bride’s really encouraging mom

“A turtleneck has no business on a wedding dress.” Preach.

“I’m okay with the $16,000 price tag. It’s like my one day.” – Someone with a much different concept of money than I’ll ever have.

“A bride arrives hoping to be transformed into a princess for her fairytale wedding.” This woman was in her 50s.

“As long as it shows her junk in the trunk, it’s all good.” – Further proof that the groom-to-be shouldn’t come dress shopping.

“I feel like I’m wearing my grandmother’s nightgown.” Plot twist: she was! (jk but how funny would that be)

“I’m never going to find the right dress.” – Literally every bride at some point during the show.

“You’re not going to a nightclub.” – Mother of the bride, in reference to a dress. In her defense, it was super slutty.

“I wasn’t sure if Don was the groom or the father of the bride.” – The bridal attendant, in reference to the 23-year-old bride’s fiancé who was 19 years older than her.

“I wouldn’t want a maid of honor either if she slept with my husband.” Fair enough.

“She makes me feel that things are not always that bad.” – The most romantic thing I’ve ever heard someone say about their future wife.

“You look like a low-budget Cinderella.” She really did.

“Brandon is everything to me. He’s my friend, he’s my lover…” Followed by a long silence because she ran out of things to say about her fiancé.

“I love this one.” – Immediately every bride on “Say Yes to the Dress: Canada” because they’re all so polite and obliging.

“Um … nice restaurants.” – Bride’s answer to the question, “What’s it like dating someone much older than you?”

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a 21st-century princess.” – Slightly more creative bride-to-be

“I’m going to have a 1950’s-style wedding.” – Like 60% of the brides.

“I’m so blessed to have you as a daughter.” – Every mom whenever her daughter finds “the dress.”

“She needs a white dress. A very, very white dress.” – The sweet, naïve father of the bride.

“I’m considering wearing a white bikini and some hot pants.” Some brides just know what they want.

“I don’t think I’m going to have a maid of honor.” – A bride who thought this was the appropriate time to reveal this news to her best friend.

“Will you be my maid of honor?” – It’s amazing how decisions can suddenly change after finding the right dress.

“I think it looks gorgeous on you, just like you always look.” – A bride’s son who was definitely being fed lines from the producers.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to get a whole new dress.” – A bride who lost 45 pounds after ordering her original wedding dress. Rookie move.

“I think Barbara is a little jealous today.” – In reference to Shark Tank personality Barbara Corcoran telling the bride she looked a little fat in the dress. She did, though.

“You have to look your absolute best on your wedding day, but a red carpet look is hard to beat.” – A celebrity bride with one very big problem on her hands!

“I’m having THE biggest dress catastrophe.” In reference to her post-wedding wedding dress being one size too large.

“I give the pretty sparkles a thumbs up.” – The 7-year-old flower girl that the bride, for some reason, brought to her dress try-on.

“I feel them pinging.” – A bride, in reference to her smiling cheeks. Cute.

“I can just shed a tear, and my dad will be putty in my hands.” – A bride pouting about her dad’s $14,000 budget cap.

“I feel like I can sit in it.” – An important aspect of a wedding dress.

“With Ashley, the ‘girls’ are always out.” – A bitter bride in reference to her well-endowed bridesmaid.

“You look like Jessica Rabbit.” – Something no bride wants to hear, except for this one I guess.

“Like my soul.” – A future bride who insisted on wearing a black dress.

“So, are you saying yes to the dress?” – The line that every bridal stylist reluctantly says at the end.

“Are you saying yes to the dress?” – A mother of the bride who did NOT get the memo that that’s not her line.

“I feel like a bride in this dress.” – A future bride while wearing a bridal gown. So profound.

“Do I look pregnant?” – The bride who decided international TV was the best place to tell her family about some big news.

21 Links You’re Just Dying to Click On!

We’ve all seen them, those clickbait links with the title that draws you in and JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE.

But due to time constraints, self discipline, and general intelligence, many people usually avoid the sheer temptation of finding out what “weird food will help you lose belly fat,” which “female celebrity used to be a male,” and the “20 scandalous secrets about Friends that came out when the show ended.”

Today, however, I have sacrificed myself, going down a clickbait rabbit hole in an effort to satiate the curiosities of readers everywhere.

Boy did I learn a lot.

And so will you.


Okay, this is deceiving. To clarify, she WAS still having a baby. But it wasn’t just one, it was three. She was having triplets. I see what you did there, clickbait.


Wow. Add ice after boiling for ten minutes. Someone let me know if this actually works.


This person wrote an entire blog post on how much they love HelloFresh. By “Never Going Back” they meant “Never Going Back to Regular Cooking.”

I, again, can’t help but feel deceived.


I just watched a twenty minute video about Dr. Martin Goldstein discussing his credentials (he graduated number two in his veterinarian class in Cornell. He’s been on both Oprah and Martha Stewart. He also knows Jerry Seinfeld). Then he told me about all this stuff in dog food that’s not good for dog food. Finally I learned that the worst dog food to buy is “any dog food that’s not Dr. Marty Premium Dog Food.”

Which is $60 per bag.


Because it’s wildly misogynistic, obviously. Also apparently they’ve gotten sued a bunch because … you know, #TimesUp.


Sure is.


56 stupid slides later, was just an Arctic fox.


Planet Hollywood, Roy Rogers, Big Boy, TCBY, Rainforest Cafe, Quiznos, Blimpie (they’re still around?) and then a bunch of restaurants I’ve never heard of (like “Kenny Rogers Roasters” and “Dogs ‘n Suds”)


No explanation needed here, this dude is in fact huge!


Fruit juice (especially orange and apple), flavored yogurt, and vegetable oil.


“They’re probably gonna lie again.”


She stole the identity of a dead person before she met her husband. She bought that hat on her own though.

I don’t know which is a bigger crime.


No. This is another Dr. Marty video. I’m not doing this to myself again.


He used to be a crackhead, and he “used to have a bromance with Donald Trump.” Not sure if those two incidents coincided.


She felt calmer, happier, and less stressed, because this was an ad for CBD. If you’re wondering if she’ll keep using (relying on) CBD, her answer is “hell-to-the-yes.”


Sure is.


Pretty much anything on the menu, let’s be honest, but specifically the shamrock shake (which is like eating six slices of bread at once!!), the sausage breakfast sandwich (according to this article, “The aftermath ain’t pretty”), and soda (duh).


Scrambled eggs, Boca burgers, goldfish crackers, hummus and the occasional Chardonnay.

It’s almost like she a real person, just like you and me.


This literally just takes you straight to Macy’s website.


They built a new fire station in their town which made me feel a lot less emotional than I anticipated.


If it’s called “Golden Corral.”