The rumors are true, folks: my foot is broken. A little bone connected to my left pinky toe has snapped, and I’ve been sentenced to crutches and/or a Transformer-esque boot for the next, well, eternity. I’ve had a lot of questions thrown my way, and I thought I would just go ahead and answer them all at once.
So go ahead. Ask me anything.
Are crutches still cool as an adult?
Yeah, cooler actually.
What has been the worst part about having a broken foot?
Everyone at work knowing how much coffee I drink because I need someone to bring it to my desk.
Are you afraid that there’s going to be a zombie apocalypse?
Is this in relation to my broken foot?
Can I see a picture of the injury?
I’m never one for showing explicit pics unless prompted so if you want to see that or the x-ray, please let me know. I. LOVE. SHARING. GROSS. STUFF.
How many people have suggested gluing the bone back together?
Not enough to make me try it.
Have your biceps gotten bigger since you started living your life on crutches?
Yes they have, thank you for asking. Do you want to see?
Do you have osteoporosis?
Why does everyone keep asking me that.
Do you have a chair in the middle of your kitchen so you can actually cook?
Are you stalking me?
Will you ever get better?
I don’t think so.
Are you still okay at driving?
Are you just asking me that because I’m a woman?
How long do you have to use crutches?
The doctor said anywhere between four weeks and the rest of my life.
Is everyone a little nicer to you?
Is it a little annoying?
But is it mostly really nice?
Have you picked up any men while on crutches?
You would think.
Did you break your foot just so you could pick up men?
You would think.
Do you get to pick a friend to leave class early with and carry your backpack?
And now for the question on everybody’s mind, Rachel. How did… [DRAMATIC PAUSE] …it happen?
- I stepped on a George Foreman grill while making bacon for my breakfast in bed.
- I saved a school bus full of orphans before it drove off a cliff.
- I had decided to do all of my own stunts in the upcoming Avengers movie and boy was that a mistake!
- I tried to stage dive into the crowd at an AC/DC concert and no one caught me.
- I was the competing on American Ninja Warrior and I broke it on that huge ramp thing.
- I was doing a trust fall with Oprah.
- You should see the other guy (amirite!)
- I was bungee jumping or doing something equally as cool.
- I was quail hunting with Dick Cheney (the joke that never dies!)
- I don’t talk about Fight Club.
- I fell in love with the man of my dreams but like I literally fell and so my foot broke.
- Something about MMA (way too lazy to look up terms to make this seem even mildly plausible).
- I was surfing. With…Fabio (stop it, I’m trying.)
- Something…I don’t know, something about Hunger Games.
Okay I am running out of made up excuses so here’s how I actually broke my foot:
I was running down the stairs to get to my apartment, because I was late to brunch with my dear friend Francesca, and I slipped on the mat in front of my door and fell down. Like in the same manner that an old woman would.
Then one of the bones in my left foot snapped.
And man, did that hurt.
But it’s a super lame story, so I’m going to pick one of the ones that I said before.