The Wildest Parties Are in Greenville, SC

This is a story about a time that I almost got to experience the craziest party of my entire life.

But please folks, let me start from the beginning.

Last week, I flew down to Greenville, South Carolina for a work press trip.

You know: one of those trips where they invite you to the city to see all of the best activities and restaurants, and in exchange all you have to do is write about it.

If you’re thinking it’s a great exchange, you are right.

If you’re thinking that sounds really lonely, you are also right.

So after my first day in Greenville, a Tuesday full of sightseeing and shopping and interviewing business owners and eating way more than I even thought possible, I have to admit I was fairly unimpressed with the area.

Though it touts itself as a rapidly growing city, it’s still very small. It’s the kind of place where everyone walks really slowly, and they all stop at crosswalks until the light turns green even if there are no cars coming.

Then once it got dark, I hardly saw anyone out at all.

It was like a small town who dreamed of one day becoming a big city, but at this point was still just working at Subway just to get by.

When I was leaving dinner (at this place called FOXCROFT, I would highly recommend it, completely unrelated to the fact that I ate there for free. They have great food and a manager who blushes every time you talk to him), I strolled veeerrry slowly down the street. Even though I thought the town was kind of boring, going back to an empty hotel room at 8 o’clock at night sounded even worse.

So one block later, when I heard live music, it was like a beacon of hope and liveliness, inviting me in from the cold to enjoy the local festivities and prove that Greenville was in fact more exciting than I had given it credit for.

I followed a narrow staircase into this small, dimly lit bar full of townies and Bud Lights and wrinkled tattoos. It had neon signs on the walls and was the kind of place that somehow smelled like cigarettes even though no one was smoking.

I found a chair and settled in, soaking in the atmosphere and silently applauding Greenville’s nightlife. The people-watching was premium, a room infested by people who looked like they had never ventured out of the state of South Carolina – not for lack of resources, but because they didn’t see any reason to.

I started looking around at what drunken conversations I could slide into, when a woman approached me through the crowd and yelled something about a party.

WOW they sure are friendly here in the south! “Yeah!” I said to her. “It is a party in here!” (Kind of a lame one though, if I’m being honest.) I looked away, and she continued to yell to me.

The second time I heard her more clearly: “THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.”

Oh.

Um.

Okay, first let me be clear that there was no signage whatsoever to indicate any sort of invitation-only event.

Second, no one else seemed upset that I was there.

In fact, she was evidently the only one who even noticed. And if we’re being real here, I was by far the youngest and cutest one in attendance…so some might even say I was doing the “private party” a favor.

But who was I to argue with a pushy, stranger-hating woman who was definitely either a Debbie or a Tammy or a Marge.

So I walked to the other end of the bar because I didn’t want to leave but frankly was tired of being yelled at.

But the woman followed me as I was trying to continue to listen to the gauche tunes of the high school Maroon 5 cover band and mind my own business and grace this lame party with my presence. “THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY,” she said again, and started shoving (yes! shoving!) me towards the door.

And that’s when I realized that Debbie/Tammy/Marge 1) (related) definitely didn’t want me there, and 2) (unrelated) probably voted for Trump.

And had apparently 3) designated herself as the chief party crasher lookout, a job that she 4) took very, very seriously.

Seeing as she was obviously in a room with everyone she knew, I must have entered her radar immediately. Then the anger probably took over as she honed in on me, immediately transitioning from good-time-party mode to this-means-business mode.

After all of the work that these people put into planning the party. Picking the venue, reserving the space, and selecting only the most exclusive guests to invite. And you know that band, who played “Moves Like Jagger” like total pros, was very difficult to book (especially on a school night).

The nerve. A stranger who thought she could latch on to everyone’s good time. A stranger who thought she could make their private good time a good time of her very own. A stranger who thought she could sneak in here without anyone noticing. A stranger who thought she could make ALL of her friends jealous once they heard about this once-in-a-lifetime event that she managed to slip into.

“Ohhhh no you don’t,” she probably thought among all of those other thoughts. “You’re not gonna crash this private party. Not on Debbie/Tammy/Marge’s watch.”

Throwing all of her inhibitions out the window, she walked right over and made it vividly clear that this private party was devoid of both strangers and southern hospitality.

When we made eye contact, she looked at me like I had been planning this for hours. Like I had caught wind of this party, and had immediately started plotting my elaborate break-in. Finally, the opportunity to mingle with the Greenville locals – the real locals, the generational ones, not all those transplants that have been coming in for years ever since the BMW factory opened up.

My biggest mistake, apparently, had been wandering in timidly, leaving my coat on, and looking around aimlessly at everyone like I don’t know anybody. What was I thinking!

So, I did end up leaving after being forcefully kicked out of Greenville’s hottest Tuesday night soirée. And since there were no other parties in the area, private or otherwise, I ended up heading back to my empty hotel room after all.

I did, however, enjoy the thought of this woman’s sheer delight with herself for saving the party.

Telling all of her friends about the shocking incident that almost ruined their annual exclusive-yet-completely-unlabeled private event. She surely saved the party, because who really knows what strangers are capable of?

And in fact, considering all of the rampant party crashers out there in the world, it’s a good thing she had her hawk eyes tuned up.

And you know what, next time I throw a private event, I sure hope I have a Debbie/Tammy/Marge there too.


Greenville, South Carolina #yeahthatgreenville
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The Pitch Session of Hallmark’s Hit Film, “Lucky Christmas”

How I imagine the pitch meeting went between the movie producer and the screenwriter of the hit Hallmark film, Lucky Christmas.

Movie Producer: So you have a movie idea for me?

Screenwriter: I do. It’s a heartwarming film filled with romance, plot twists, deceit, and above all, holiday cheer.

Movie Producer: I’m intrigued. Go on.

Screenwriter: It takes place in small-town America. The story revolves around a struggling single mom, Holly, and her 12-year-old son Max. She’s down on her luck; you know, working multiple jobs, struggling to pay bills, living in the one-room attic of an old couple she found on Craigslist.

Movie Producer: Is she doing anything else to try to turn her life around?

Screenwriter: Absolutely. She plays the lottery every day.

Movie Producer: That’s all she does to try to better her situation?

Screenwriter: I wasn’t finished. She also kisses the lottery ticket to increase its chances of winning.

Movie Producer: Oh, okay.

Screenwriter: Then she puts it into the glove compartment of her car.

Movie Producer: What kind of car is it?

Screenwriter: A super beat up clunker of a Volvo, just to really drive home the point that she’s struggling with money.

Movie Producer: Oh, that’s a nice touch. And what about the male protagonist?

Screenwriter: Then over here we have the male lead named Mike. He lives with his brother Joe, who’s single, unemployed, and manages to ruin everything.

Movie Producer: So we’re going to need to find an overweight, unattractive actor to play Joe?

Screenwriter: Definitely. Then one evening Holly goes out with her friend to unwind with a glass of wine and little girl talk. But on the way into the bar, she bumps into someone and drops her keys. The bad news is, she doesn’t notice, mostly because she’s so eager for that glass of wine that she probably can’t even afford. Oh, and meanwhile – and here’s the first plot twist – Joe and Mike are at the same bar.

Movie Producer: Whoa!

Screenwriter: But unfortunately, Mike is suffering from a bad cold that’s been particularly debilitating for some reason. He passes out at the bar, and Joe has to take him home. Unfortunately again! Joe’s truck got booted because he keeps forgetting to pay his parking tickets. Remember? He ruins everything. I know you’re wondering how he’s going to get out of this one, and here comes another plot twist: he finds Holly’s keys, and drives her car back to his house.

Movie Producer: I did not see that coming.

Screenwriter: Oh, that is just the beginning. Then the next day, after getting a ride home from her friend because, remember, she couldn’t find her car, Holly discovers that she’s won the million-dollar lottery.

Movie Producer: Oh, that’s great news for her and Max! She’ll be able to open her café and turn their lives around, right?

Screenwriter: But remember where she kept her lottery tickets?

Movie Producer: In her glove compartment! That means Joe has her car and therefore her million-dollar lottery ticket!

Screenwriter: Yup.

Movie Producer: I did not see that coming either.But how on earth would Joe know to look in the glove compartment of the vehicle that he stole?

Screenwriter: Oh, yeah. That took me awhile to figure out, but I think I got it. After Holly realizes that she’s won the lottery but doesn’t have her ticket, she goes down to the lottery office to try to figure out what to do. Then when she leaves, she sees a news crew filming outside. In her sheer rage over the situation, she tells the reporters all about what happened to her. And since this is the most important news story of the day, they air it on TV.

Movie Producer: And I bet Joe and his hot-brother-slash-male-protagonist Mike see it.

Screenwriter: Bingo. Oh and by the way, when Holly goes to try to redeem her lottery ticket, the lottery office tells her that she needs to find it and turn it in…by midnight on Christmas Eve.

Movie Producer: How do you come up with this stuff?

Screenwriter: It takes me like no time at all, either.

Movie Producer: So tell me more about Holly’s son, Max.

Screenwriter: He’s an extremely well-behaved young boy who loves his mom more than anything in the world. Oh, and he still believes in Santa.

Movie Producer: Didn’t you say he’s 12?

Screenwriter: What’s your point?

Movie Producer: It sounds like Holly will need a person in her life to give her love advice when things start heating up. Does she have a one-dimensional black friend to help her out?

Screenwriter: Even better. Her landlords are an elderly, grandparent-like couple who are overly concerned about Holly’s happiness and wellbeing, and have no lives of their own to worry about.

Movie Producer: And who does Mike get advice from when he needs it?

Screenwriter: Well, occasionally his brother Joe will drop some knowledge, but Mike such a strong, independent male figure that he doesn’t really need life guidance.

Movie Producer: Oh, of course. So then, how do Mike and Holly meet?

Screenwriter: Well, Max is really into hockey. During one of his practices, Mike is also there because he too plays hockey.

Movie Producer: And that gives something for Mike and Max to bond over, which I bet Holly loves.

Screenwriter: Exactly. We’re just going to gloss over the part about a grown man being at a kid’s hockey practice and hope no one notices.

Screenwriter: So then the next half hour is filled with scenes of witty banter between Mike and Holly, Mike and Joe fighting about the lottery ticket, and Holly working a lot and having unrealistic daydreams about owning her own café. There’s also some stuff about a father-son pinewood derby that Max has to participate in for Boy Scouts. But I mostly put that in there to show what a deadbeat Max’s dad is, and how naïve Max is for thinking that he’ll ever come back.

Movie Producer: That also makes it a little more realistic that Max still believes in Santa at his age.

Screenwriter: Now for another plot twist. One evening, Mike invites Holly over to cook dinner for her. While she’s there, she stumbles upon a Christmas CD that Max made her, labeled in red and green Sharpie “Max’s Fave Christmas Songs.” Since she had kept that CD in her car, she puts two and two together to realize that of course Mikeknows about her missing car and her lottery ticket – and boy is she mad. She storms out and tells him to stay away from her and her son.

Movie Producer: So then…does the guilt push him to give her the lottery ticket back?

Screenwriter: Absolutely. After a lot of pushback from Joe, Mike does the right thing. He puts the ticket in a small red envelope and puts it in the mail.

Movie Producer: And so she gets it a few days later and cashes it in and opens her café and everyone wins in the end?

Screenwriter: Not quite – it’s time foryet anotherplot twist. Max gets the mail on the day that the lottery ticket arrives, and wouldn’t you know it…he drops it on the ground and it gets stuck on his boot. Naturally, he and Holly can’t find it anywhere. Even the old people landlords try to help, but no one thinks to look on the bottom of Max’s boot.

Movie Producer: Boy, Max sure is dumb.

Screenwriter: Yes, but I’ve added a lot of great one-liners from him so that the audience is charmed by his adorable, boyish appeal.

Movie Producer: So do they ever find the envelope?

Screenwriter: Oh, yeah. They find it – TWO HOURS before midnight on Christmas Eve.

Movie Producer: OH wow, this is getting suspenseful!

Screenwriter: Yeah. I’ve picked some really good music for it, too. Oh, and Holly then forgives Mike and they all head over to the lottery place to redeem the ticket.

Movie Producer: And then Holly cashes it in and opens her café and everyone wins in the end?

Screenwriter: Oh, no. Actually I’ve decided to end the movie as the clock strikes midnight on Christmas Eve, while Mike and Holly kiss. I want to send the message that money isn’t important, even if you are working three jobs and sharing a bedroom with your 12-year-old son.

Movie Producer: I’m tearing up just thinking about this. What did you decide to call it?

Screenwriter: “Lucky Christmas,” which plays on both the luck of Holly winning the lottery and the luck of the people in her life.

Movie Producer: My friend, you’ve got yourself a deal.

The Full House Drinking Game

We all remember those wacky yet lovable Tanners, the nonconventional family who’s just trying to do their day to day best in the fast-paced world of San Francisco. They loved each other like a normal family, they had conflict like a normal family, and they always managed to resolve their issues at the end of each episode with some tender communication and gentle background music.

Now pair your favorite unrealistic nuclear family with your beverage of choice, and enjoy the show in an entirely new way.

Please note: this game is designed only for the original Full House, not the complete embarrassment of a sequel series, Fuller House.


Take a sip when …

  • Stephanie says “How rude”
  • Michelle says “You got it dude”
  • Uncle Jesse says “Have mercy”
  • Joey says “Cut it out”
  • And take another sip if he says it while doing the classic “cut it out” hand gesture
  • Nicky and Alex say something that the writers definitely thought would be cute but only comes out as forced and unrealistic but they decided to keep it in anyway because young kids are probably really difficult to work with
  • Kimmy says “Hola Tannerinos!” even though she obviously failed Spanish
  • Uncle Jesse and Becky get in a fight
  • Uncle Jesse and Becky make out
  • The Olsen twins appear on-screen at the same timescreen-shot-2011-06-29-at-4-46-28-am
  • You cry after Steve and DJ break up, because, yeah she was too smart for him but wtf
  • The men find a reason to dress up as women because that was the height of comedy in the ’90s
  • Steve Urkel makes a guest appearance
  • Little Richard makes a guest appearance
  • One of the Beach Boys makes a guest appearance
  • DJ develops an eating disorder, because let’s face it, she is a little chubby for her age
  • Danny Tanner talks DJ out of her eating disorder and all it takes is three minutes and some soft music
  • One of the men tries to do something athletic and fails miserably
  • Uncle Jesse has a mullet
  • Uncle Jesse doesn’t have a mullet (whew)
  • One of the girls wears a side ponytail
  • Joey does an impression of Popeye
  • Joey does an impression of Bullwinkle
  • The family does something together that most people usually do by themselves (like go to the gym, or to prom)
  • DJ has anxiety about getting into college when we all know she’s obviously going to get in because she’s smart and also the writers would never let anything bad like that happen
  • Kimmy gets wasted!
  • DJ gets mad at Kimmy for getting drunk, which she says is because of her mom’s death at the hand of a drunk driver, but we all know it was because DJ wanted to get drunk too
  • Comet makes an appearance, the dog who ultimately ends up being the first Air Bud
  • Uncle Jesse says something about Elvis
  • Uncle Jesse pretends to be Elvis
  • But we all forgive him immediately because he’s just so sexy
  • DJ tries to bring a horse into the house hoping no one will notice, which seems outrageous but in DJ’s defense it’s Full House and anything is possible
  • Speaking of anything being possible, take a sip when Joey flies a plane (!??!?!) so Jesse can jump out of on his wedding day because he’s that afraid of commitment

Take a shot when …

  • You start to get feelings for Uncle Jesse
  • You start to get feelings for Aunt Becky
  • You start to get feelings for Viperscreen-shot-2011-11-08-at-10-14-05-pm
  • DJ marries her sort of cousin
  • Michelle gives her new fish a bath like an idiot
  • Joey does something that a grown man should not be doing, like wearing footie pajamas unironically
  • One of the daughters does something really dramatic, like drive a car through the house or drop the TV off of the second floor balcony, and Danny Tanner forgives her way more quickly than a normal parent would
  • There’s a dream sequence, giving the writers freedom to make the plot line even more cheesy and fatuous. Additional shot optional but recommended
  • One of the men tries to do something domestic and fails miserably (like change a diaper, do the laundry) because we all know a man trying to do something that usually a woman does is comedy gold!11
  • DJ tries to wear makeup for the first time and looks RIDICULOUS and this is the moment that we realize she’ll never be cool
  • Joey does really terrible stand-up comedy but still kills it on stage
  • There’s a subtle reference to Jesse and Joey’s romantic feelings towards one another

Pour one out for …

  • Kimmy Gibbler when she comes in and everyone looks annoyed and you start to realize that her home life must be really hard if she’s over at the Tanner’s house all the time and even they don’t like her and so pour one out for Kimmy because you know as an adult she’s in a lot of therapy
  • Danny Tanner when he starts maniacally cleaning something because he obviously has undiagnosed yet severe OCD, likely triggered by the sudden death of his wife and resulting residual trauma of having to balance a career while raising his three children
  • Jesse and the Rippers, the band formed by Uncle Jesse that was never all that successful and as a matter of fact only had one song, called “Forever,” which was ripped off from the Beach Boys
  • Stephanie’s “bad girl” friend Gia who smokes in the school bathroom and definitely has some repressed daddy issues
  • The baby Gia probably gets pregnant with while she’s still in high schoolThe_perfect_couple456
  • The late Mrs. Tanner, whose former existence is barely ever acknowledged
  • Vicky, who I will never understand why she and Danny didn’t end up together (aside from the horrific embarrassment they faced on that “Perfect Couple” show that Joey hosted where they learned that they knew nothing about each other) because the whole family seemed way more into her than his original wife
  • Anyone who’s currently watching Fuller House right now

 

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A Strongly Worded Letter to My Smoke Detector

Dear Smoke Detector,

Hey, it’s me, Rachel. We haven’t been officially introduced, but I’m the newest tenant in the home in which you guard from fires.

You seem, um – nice. Hope things are … going well up there on the ceiling.

Alright, enough of the pleasantries.

I think you know what this letter is about.

No, it’s not about last night when I was trying to make dinner and you went off. It’s not about the night before when I was trying to make dinner and you went off. It’s not even about the night last week when I made popcorn in the microwave and you went off.

This letter is in reference to the fact that every single time I cook you find it necessary to go off.

Whenever I so much as brush by the stove top, you instantly perk up and notify everyone in the near vicinity that there’s DEFINITELY A FIRE AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

I may not be the most skilled in the kitchen, but I’m certainly not at the set-the-smoke-alarm-off-every-time-I-cook level.

Not anymore, at least.

You know, I’m just going to say it: you take your job too seriously.

I understand that you don’t really have a lot to do up there most of the time. Especially after those fresh set of batteries that you just got, you must be feeling particularly sharp and alert (thank you, by the way, for being so vocal about needing replacement batteries, that wasn’t disruptive at all).

And maybe you feel a little underappreciated up there all alone, with your one very specific and very rarely utilized job. And I do understand that whenever you do go off, your efforts are immediately met with bad words and yelling.

In my opinion, and I apologize if this seems a little harsh, but I feel that you are completely overreacting. Perhaps your behavior is merely a cry for attention, but I need you to know that this is NOT the way to go about it.

If this behavior continues, I fear that my upstairs landlord will in turn write me a strongly-worded letter about the consistent disruption between the hours of 6:30 and 8:30 p.m., because this undoubtedly seems like my fault. He will then inevitably point out the obvious: if I can’t prepare a basic meal without setting off the smoke detector, I’ll never be able to learn how to cook, maintain a healthy lifestyle, own a home, sustain a successful career, support a long-lasting relationship, raise a family, achieve any amount of personal growth, and have any sort of overall success in life at all.

So, please take the advice that the elderly have been giving young children for years: it’s better to be seen than heard, especially when there’s not a fire.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a letter to my shower about its infuriating hesitancy to warm up in a reasonable amount of time.

I’m starting to think I should find a new apartment.

Uh – anyway. I hope you are well.

Best regards,

Rachel D. Marsh

P.S. Please don’t do the passive aggressive thing where if there’s a real fire you don’t alert me because you’re upset about this letter. That’s just mean, and I guarantee you’ll feel guilty about it later.


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A Marsh Family Vacation in Photograph Form

Since most of you weren’t able to attend my family vacation last week, please enjoy the photographic highlights of our five-day stretch at the Outer Banks.

Things got a little crazy! As does any Marsh family vacay! But we all managed to make it to the end in one piece!


SIBLINGS TURNED INTO TWINS!

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When he came to pick me up he saw what top I was wearing and IMMEDIATELY changed to match me. Then he took a bunch of pictures of our matching shirts at Starbucks and posted it on his Snapchat story. Or maybe I did all of that, I can’t remember.


WE SAW THE WRIGHT BROTHERS MEMORIAL

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Read the plaque, it’s pretty self-explanatory.


I TOOK FLIGHT IN THE SAME SPOT AS THE ORVILLE BROTHERS

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Photo credit to my brother, thanks for not questioning me when I threw my phone at you and told you to take a picture of me in flight.


I MET ONE OF THE STATUE VERSIONS OF SOMEONE WHO WITNESSED THE FIRST FLIGHT (THE ORVILLE BROTHERS’ FIRST FLIGHT, NOT MINE)

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Then we fist bumped.


I STUMBLED UPON A FREE WINE TASTING

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But the woman hosting the wine tasting made me feel really guilty for not buying anything. Listen, it’s not my fault the wine wasn’t good.


I STUMBLED UPON A FREE BABY CARROT TASTING

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And again, didn’t buy it.


WE TRIED TO VISIT OUR FAVORITE PIZZA PLACE

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RIP Tomato Patch.


WE TOOK A LATE-NIGHT SELFIE

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I have no idea what the context of this photo was, or why we chose a location with such bad lighting.


WE SANG SOME KARAOKE

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We did such a good job, someone offered to buy us a round of drinks afterwards. Then someone told us it was the best karaoke they’d ever seen. Eventually we got tired of feeling like celebrities so we just left.


THE WOMAN WHO RECORDED OUR SONG ALSO REALLY WANTED TO BE PART OF OUR VACATION MEMORIES

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A small price to pay.


WE GOT REALLY KOOKY WITH THE PIRATE FACE HOLE BOARDS

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Crazy!

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Crazier!

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Craziest!


WE PLAYED SOME WHOLESOME FAMILY GAMES

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I won.

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I lost.


WE DECIDED GENETICS WASN’T ENOUGH TO BOND US TOGETHER SO WE GOT MATCHING TATTOOS

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It says “Salt Life.”

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His too.


WE MADE WACKY SHADOWS!

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Can you see us! Being wacky!


THEN WE TURNED AROUND AND WATCHED THE SUNSET

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THEN WE TURNED AROUND AGAIN AND GOT OUR PICTURE TAKEN

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The guy taking the picture for us asked to be in the photo, but we said no since he was a complete stranger, so he asked if his shadow could at least be in it and we said okay.


 

How to Take a Compliment Like I Do

Guys, sometimes compliments can come out of nowhere.

You may be going about your day, minding your own business, thinking about whatever you’re thinking about, when suddenly one strikes.

It can be difficult to know how to react. You might be caught off guard. You might get confused. You might panic. Fight or flight might kick in.

But I’m here to tell you, all of these reactions are completely normal. Here’s my advice for taking a compliment if you want to do it like me. It works every time.


The first step after receiving the compliment: Stare blankly at the compliment-giver.

Step two: Sit in silence for a slightly uncomfortable amount of time.

Step three: Look behind your shoulder to see who the compliment-giver was talking to, since the compliment likely was not directed at you.

Step four: Realize the silence has gone on too long, and that the compliment was in fact intended for you.

Step five: Clarify. Example: “You like this shirt? The one I’m currently wearing on my body?”

Step six: Clarify again. Example: “Really?”

Step seven: Deny their favorable opinion of said complimented thing. Example: “No way.”

Step eight: Expand in entirely too much detail about the fact that they’re wrong. Example: “I got this shirt at the Gap like five years ago. It wasn’t even cool when I got it. Now it’s even less cool.”

Step nine: Give another reason that they were wrong and why their compliment was completely unwarranted. Example: “I was a lot thinner when I got this shirt, and now it doesn’t even fit me. I shouldn’t have worn it out in the first place.”

Step ten: Give them way too much information about the aforementioned statement. Example: “I just don’t really prioritize exercise as much as I used to.”

Step eleven: Demonstrate that aforementioned statement in an entirely inappropriate way. Example: “See, look at these love handles just bursting through the bottom of the shirt.”

Step twelve: Realize that they no longer wish to be in this conversation.

Step thirteen: Back pedal and give another reason that their compliment was wrong in an apparent effort to make them feel better about themselves for not being you? Example: “Plus, I mean, who wears boatneck tops anymore anyways?”

Step fourteen: Realize you have offended the compliment-giver.

Step fifteen: Realize you have made the compliment-giver feel stupid for thinking a nice thing about you and saying it out loud.

Step sixteen: Try desperately to salvage the situation by going into way too much detail about the originally complimented object. Example: “I mean the main reason I even got this shirt in the first place is because the flower pattern reminds me of my grandma.”

Step seventeen: Go into even more detail. Example: “She used to wear flower patterns all the time, plus she was a big gardener. Whenever I see flowers, I think of her.”

Step eighteen: More detail. Example: “My grandma died about a year ago. It was really devastating, if I’m being honest.”

Step nineteen: Witness the regret in the complimenter’s eyes for ever saying anything at all.

Step twenty: Try further to salvage the situation by turning the compliment around. Example: “Hey, you have a cool shirt too. I didn’t know they even still made those one-size-fits-all popcorn shirts.”

Step twenty-one: If you can, try to skip Step 20 because typically it sounds like a sarcastic backhanded compliment.

Step twenty-two: Offer the compliment-giver the thing they complimented because you can’t think of any other way to save the situation. Example: “Here, just take my shirt.”

Step twenty-three: If you can, try to skip Step 22 for obvious reasons.

Step twenty-four: Just say “thank you,” you moron. Example: “Thank you.”

Step twenty-five: Lose a friend.


hsotdexpandablepopcornshirt

A Post with Pictures of Me and a Bunch of Famous People That I Recently Met

I spend a lot of time with celebrities. I’m constantly surrounded by them, and they’re constantly trying to get selfies with me.

I try not to brag about it too much because I don’t want people to be so jealous of my life that they start to hate me.

But everyone has been begging for me to release some of these images, so here they are.

I apologize if I sound boastful, but I had to share.

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Brad ❤ He asked me on a date but then I remembered all those kids that he has so I declined. He took it well.

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I asked Rihanna about Chris Brown before taking this photo which is why she looks so mad. It had nothing to do with me, she likes me a lot.

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I forgot all of the things that Zac Effron had been in besides High School Musical. I asked him what he’s done since then, and this is a picture of him trying to think about it because he couldn’t remember either.

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Then I met Al Roker and we had a great time getting to know each other!

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Then he interviewed me and I told him a really sad story which he loved.

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For all of you that thought Elvis was still alive somewhere out there, you were right! AND he lost all that weight, which I congratulated him on.

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He was like, “Rachel I have a dream that you’ll take a selfie with me,” and I was like, “Did you just quote yourself?” And then we both laughed.

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Justin Bieber was sucking in his cheeks so he would look skinnier. I told him he didn’t need to do that, but then he told me to hurry up and take the picture because he couldn’t breathe.

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Oprah and I spent most of our time reminiscing about the time I appeared on her show.

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Throwback to 2012! Said I was her favorite guest of the year!

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He tried to interview me but I had to remind him that that’s not what this is, it’s just a selfie, Larry! Boy, some people just can’t get out of work mode, you know!

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Then I met Jackie Kennedy, who I at first called Sandra Bullock even though she was standing right next to JFK and it was so embarrassing! But she was a good sport about it.

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I asked him if he remembered the time he got assassinated. He didn’t remember. Then I asked if he remembered the time he had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. THAT he remembered! Men, am I right!

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Malcolm X looks confused not because he was having a bad time but because he didn’t know what an iPhone was.

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I saw Bill Clinton and told him how much I missed him.

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Then he grabbed me because he wanted another selfie so badly!

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I asked Dwayne which he liked better, being a professional wrestler or starring in the hit movie Tooth Fairy, and he couldn’t decide!

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Anyways, bye, gotta go to war!

 

 


 

A very special thank you to Madam Tussauds of Washington, D.C. Without you, none of this would have been possible.