But first, ________________ [SYNONYM for toxic caffeine addiction]
Dear ________________ [A NAME that is “Rachel”],
This morning, I made my standard on-the-app drink order to ________________ [A COFFEE SHOP CHAIN you don’t want to support but you go to all the time anyway] on my way to my ________________ [CAREER that most white girls who go to Starbucks have] job.
This drink, a ________________ [SIZE that means large but in a different language so it sounds more pretentious] Americano – with six shots of espresso, no cream, no sugar, no room – I’ll have you know, has taken years of crippling caffeine dependency to be able to consume at such an ________________ [ALARMING or IMPRESSIVE] rate.
I walked into Starbucks and took the first venti cup on the pickup counter that said “Rachel” forgetting that there are more of us out there.
But when I took a sip on my way out the door and that sip did not taste like ________________ [SYNONYM for the kind of coffee they give to Navy SEALs], I realized there had been a serious mistake.
I looked at the label, and under “Rachel” it listed none of those things I mentioned before. This coffee, instead, was more like the coffee of a ________________ [NOUN indicating someone stable], or a ________________ [NOUN indicating someone with a healthy relationship to caffeine].
It said:
- ________________ [A COFFEE ROAST that’s not too heavy, and maybe even “blonde”]
- ________________ [A NON-DAIRY MILK SUBSTITUTE that indicates devotion to one’s wellness – for example, oat]
- ________________ [3 PUMPS OF SUGAR-FREE VANILLA]
- ________________ [A DUSTING OF SOME SORT OF FALL SPICE like nutmeg!]
I went back into Starbucks and explained the whole Rachel fiasco to the nearest employee so he could make yours again.
But after a few minutes of waiting, it occurred to me that YOU had also taken MINE by mistake.
And apparently, unlike me who starts drinking it before I even pick the cup off the counter, you never showed back up to claim your original order, leading me to believe you waited until you got to your desk – likely decorated with ________________ [COUNTRY POP STAR] pictures and a map of places you want to visit in ________________ [EUROPEAN COUNTRY] and a mousepad that says “GIRL BOSS” in cursive – to take your first sip of coffee like a normal person who doesn’t require it to, for example, breathe.
So then I felt ________________ [NEGATIVE! EMOTION!] because I realized that you, the blonde-roast-oat-milk-sugar-free-vanilla-with-nutmeg version of myself – the version of myself I could be if I worked out at Orangetheory, or made smoothies for breakfast, or called it “Insta” – were sitting at your desk with a venti cup full of the human version of “for long-haul-trucks-only diesel,” unassumingly perched on your desk probably next to your reusable pink Temu tumbler with matching straw.
You were about to experience a caffeine overdose so strong that you’d either have a panic attack worse than the first time you blacked out during ________________ [SORORITY ACTIVITY] – or you were about to invent a new color no one has ever even seen before.
In the end, the barista at Starbucks found enough espresso to make me a new coffee and I was able to continue on with my day doing ________________ [DESK THINGS] like other marketing professionals, whatever that means, while replacing half of my bloodstream with caffeine. I hope that you, too, were able to move forward with your day, regardless of your newfound ability to see through walls.
But, Alternative Rachel, though this all worked out, please be aware: unlike you, I can’t get through a day on just a nutmeg-dusted blonde roast and a positive horoscope.
And if you ever take my coffee again, I will ________________ [AGGRESSIVE ADJECTIVE comparable to shredding that selfie she got with Carrie Underwood up so elaborately that no one will even believe it happened].
Sincerely,
________________ [A NAME that is “Rachel”]
Leggy Blonde 