A Roast of My Mother

Hello everyone, welcome to my mom’s surprise 60th birthday party! I’m so glad you all could be here, I know it means a lot to her – especially on such a monumental birthday!

I’ll let you all get back to your drinking and eating and mingling soon enough, but before you do, I have just a few words …

Mom, just when you thought your 60th birthday party was going to be fun, someone asked me to do a roast of you! As if having to turn 60 isn’t traumatizing enough! But don’t worry, ha, this isn’t going to be a roast about getting old.

I have way worse things to say.

But for the record, before I get into it, your friend Carena asked me to do this … so anything I say after this is technically Carena’s fault.

So let me just start by saying my mother Annie is kind. She’s generous. She’s thoughtful. She’s pretty. And she’s a great cook.

At least, these are all the things she’s constantly telling me right before she reminds me that she carried me for nine months, and why can’t I just be more grateful for that?

But in all honesty, my mom is a great listener and has always been one of my favorite people to go to for advice. You know, like any good mother, she’s bestowed upon me a lot of very precious pieces of wisdom.

For example, many years ago, on a morning after one particularly rowdy night out, she said, “Rachel, don’t worry, I have the best cure for any hangover. It works every time. All you have to do – is go for a run.”

A what?

“You don’t even have to run a full marathon. A half’ll do you just fine.”

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And she was right, 13 miles later, the hangover was gone. So was my desire to live.

Let me just take a quick break here to state what I think I can comfortably say is “the obvious.” 

Runners. Are. Crazy.

That’s right Carena, plot twist, this roast of my mother has turned into a roast of runners.

Because, frankly, it’s just so easy.

But hey, let’s get real here for a second: Runners. What are you guys running from? Why are you trying to escape?

What are you running from, heart disease? Stress? Obesity? 

Why can’t you just be like the rest of us and face this stuff head-on?

My mom will tell me that she’s “only running eight miles today” because it’s her “light day.”

[Pause here while all the runners wait for the punchline, even though “running eight miles on a light day” is obviously the punchline.]

So, yeah, the fact that none of you all are laughing at that shows that you all are just as crazy as she is.

The last time I ran eight miles was [pause here to think about the time you’ve never run eight miles straight] … literally never. Unless you count that Eminem movie. [Pause here while no one gets that joke, but to be fair it was kind of a cheap joke in the first place.]

But don’t worry everyone, I’ve disappointed my mom in many other ways besides not being a runner. 

For example, I can’t cook … anything.

And I also, as she reminds me every day, have not given her any grandchildren. And yes, I do have two brothers, but as the most attractive of her three kids, she knows I’m her best chance at grandkids.

Unfortunately, though – and many of you probably don’t know this – but, I learned a while ago that I am unable to have children.

Because I don’t want to.

But luckily, instead of grandchildren, she has running. And she has you all. And she has a new puppy who is way cuter than any child I could possibly birth.

Another thing I will say about my mom is that she is way more tech savvy than me. Me, a millennial.

I’m a millennial. Is everyone aware that I’m a millennial?

It’s like that joke of “How do you know someone is a vegetarian? Wait five minutes and they’ll tell you.” Same goes for millennials.

By the way, I am vegetarian, if anyone wants to congratulate me after this, that would be great. [Pause to see if anyone wants to applaud or cheer or raise you up on their shoulders or anything].

But anyway, my mom is very tech savvy, especially for someone her age. For example, she uses her Alexa for more than just asking about the weather, which I JUST learned it can do more than that.

And she also has a SMART HOME. She has one of those Ring doorbells, she has an iSmart Alarm Home Security System, and she can even control her home lights from her phone.

Yeah. I’m serious. So, for example, one day I was over at her house, sitting on the couch, and I needed some light. So silly me – silly millennial – silly vegetarian millennial – I was about to reach over and turn on the lamp next to me.

And my mom saw me doing it and was like, “Rachel, you stop right there. That is NOT how we turn on lamps in this house.”

So she went to grab her phone…

…Couldn’t find it…

…Looked everywhere…

…Finally found it…

…Had to put in her passcode because the stupid facial recognition wasn’t working again…

…Opened her Smart Home Lights App…

…Tried to log in…

…Forgot the password…

…Had to reset the password…

…Opened her email to retrieve the new password…

…Opened the Smart Home Lights App AGAIN…

…Typed in the new password…

…Finally got in…

…Searched for the living room lamp button…

…Accidentally pushed the kitchen lights…

…Turned those off…

…Accidentally pushed the front porch light…

…Turned those off…

…Finally found the living room lamp button…

…Pushed the button…

…AND THE LIVING ROOM LAMP CAME ON JUST LIKE THAT.

And to think I was about to reach over and turn it on with my hand like some old-fashioned Amish woman.

But in all seriousness, to wrap up, Mom, you are one of the most dedicated and accomplished people I’ve ever known, you are and have always been my greatest support system, and I am very lucky to have grown up with such a strong female role model in my life.

There is no joke at the end of this one, I just needed to end with a compliment to ensure that I maintain my status as her favorite child.

Although I do have some very serious puppy competition right now.

Happy birthday, Mom, I love you, and Carena, I cannot thank you enough for letting me do this roast.

I’ve been preparing for this my entire life.

Especially during those teenage years.

Happy 60th, Mom!