This week, my mother is out of town for some important media trip, and has asked me to dogsit for her.

Which is a task I dread every time I have to do it. And I want to be a good daughter, because she raised me and still supports me and has been there for me when I’ve needed her and blah blah blah. But every time she asks, I cross my fingers for an excuse not to do it because frankly, dogsitting for her is a fate I wouldn’t bestow upon anyone.


  • First of all, the best part about housesitting or dogsitting for anyone is raiding their snacks. But everything she has is so gosh darn healthy, I don’t even know what to do with it.






  • In fact, I can barely find any space to put my REAL food.



  • Okay, but no big deal. As long as she has coffee, I’ll be fine.


But…a jigsaw coffeemaker!?!?

But who invented this
Maybe if just shut it really hard
Maybe it just figures it out itself
Maybe I’m thinking about it too much


  • Oh and another thing. My mom has one of those iSmartAlarm alarm systems, so she’s alerted whenever a door or window has been opened. Therefore she knows whenever I get home at night, whenever I get up in the morning, and if I’ve stayed out all night partying without coming back to feed the dogs.



It’s like dogsitting for Big Brother.


  • And I can’t even try to get anything done with this face looking at me the entire time.

Things I Accomplished at 28

Just as a reminder to everyone, my birthday is on Thursday (February 2). And since my birthday is this week (February 2), I’ve started reflecting on the last year of my life (since the last February 2), and what I’ve accomplished at 28 (which began February 2, 2016). Not to toot my own horn, but my 28th year (which is ending on Thursday, February 2) has been full of success.

  • I went a full day without chewing gum
  • I mastered phallic latte art
  • I ate produce from Farm Fresh and lived to tell about it
  • I voted
  • For pizza


  • I learned how to make poached eggs (with these silicone floating cups my mom gave me, but it still counts)
  • I took a bunch of pictures of this dog




  • I got three free haircuts
  • I held a baby
  • I STILL HAVE MY CAR (this is an accomplishment)
  • I drank Guinness out of a diet iced tea bottle (this is also an accomplishment)
  • I had a meme made of me


  • I got published here
  • And here
  • And here
  • And here
  • And here
  • I got a tweet liked by Jason’s Deli (#blessed)
  • I traveled to five different states
  • I re-learned how to ski
  • I re-learned how to use the Richmond bus system
  • I re-learned the sign language for “turtle”
  • I’m a robot!


  • I saw my old high school classmates at my reunion
  • I got an anonymous note on my car from a loyal fan


  • I moved unwillingly
  • I became a man


  • I became a mom!


  • I watched that 45-minute YouTube video of Nick Offerman sitting in a leather chair by a fireplace
  • I stood in a four-hour line for a tattoo
  • I volunteered at Comfort Zone Camp three times (as should everyone else seriously sign up it’s a great cause)
  • I dined with Seinfeld


  • I went five days in a row without showering (ON ACCIDENT)
  • I finally saw a Star Wars movie (joking, I didn’t)
  • I finally stopped believing in Santa Claus (joking, I didn’t)
  • I paid my credit card on time every month
  • I got a salad at Chipotle