There’s Just No Funn After the Summer Ends

Well, friends, summertime is winding down. Which is sad for a lot of reasons. For example, it’s going to start getting cold. The days will be getting shorter. I can’t call out of work to go to the pool.

But it’s really sad because the end of summer means that baseball season in Richmond is over.¹

I attended the last Flying Squirrels game of the year on Labor Day as a way to say goodbye, I’ll miss you, and thanks for the memories. Also because I had nowhere else to be. And the Big Gulp sized beers.

I’ve been frequenting the Squirrels games more and more each summer, and these events have slowly started to become one of my favorite summertime activities.

And if they’re not yours, well…let me try to convince you otherwise.

This is the closest thing to a sports team Richmond has

We don’t have a national football team². No major league baseball to watch. No NBA all-stars. Go to any sports bar and everyone is cheering for a different team. Guys, the Flying Squirrels is all we have. Well, I guess we have college sports (RIP Shaka) and the Richmond Rough Riders (I know, I had to Google it too).

They’ve given us something to debate over

Do you ever feel like Richmond is a little too cordial? That everyone gets along a little too well? Thankfully a few years ago, the debate over whether to move the stadium to Shockoe Bottom or just keep it where it is caused a whole stir among the city. It created a division among friends, neighbors, and immediate family members. A lot of relationships were ruined, because why would you associate with someone who disagrees with your viewpoint to move the stadium downtown?³

They’ve given us something else to debate over that I just thought of

Does anyone really know why the word “fun” in their slogan, “Have Funn, Go Nuts” is spelled wrong? Is it a typo? Is that the Olde English way of spelling it? Is it because of their phone number in letter form spells “funn”? No one knows! Let the argumennts continnue!

The games are really funn

Ha! Just a little humor I thought I’d throw in. But really, the games are a good time. Plus…

Those wacky mid-inning games keep you on the edge of your seat!

The Nut Race: will it be John Walnut, Eric Cashew, or Tom Almond4!? The t-shirt toss: what rolled up shirt am I not going to win this time!?5 Molly Maids plus ‘Nsync?! Never thought I’d see the day.6

You never have to worry about the game going into overtime

Unless the other team doesn’t score a run either.

Those exclusive fireworks

I mean, where else in Richmond can you watch 10 minutes of loud but colorful fireworks?7

The possibility of a foul ball coming your way is exhilarating

The sound of people screaming “heads up!” after a hit immediately opens the door of possibility. You might grave the ball with your fingertips and have a good story. You might even catch it, for a priceless souvenir. Or you might get hit in the head with a baseball going 90 mph, for the opportunity to sue the Richmond Flying Squirrels for, holy crap, a lot of money.

I get free tickets through work

This is unrelated, but I just like to tell people about this.


Anyway, that’s about all the reasons I like going to the Squirrels games.

No, just kidding, I of course have to mention the:

32 oz craft beers for only $10 each

Because why would anyone else ever go?

So, farewell to those beloved Flying Squirrels of ours. You’ve provided me with numerous hours of entertainment, funny stories, and hangovers. Farewell to Parney and his weird pants. Farewell to the baseball players whose names I can never remember. Farewell to John Macadamia Nut.

You’ll be on my mind all winter.

See you next spring.


¹ If you’re thinking that actually, the ending of summer technically doesn’t mean that baseball season is over, that there’s a little thing called “the playoffs;” first of all, stop being such a know-it-all. Second of all, you’ve apparently never seen the Flying Squirrels play.

² Don’t you dare say the Redskins because first of all, what a waste of money for the city and second of all, their training camp is really boring.

Oh, and third of all their name is racist.

³ And anyway, we ended up keeping the stadium where it is. Ha, ha! Oh Richmond!

I don’t actually know their names. If you do, please advise.

5 This is a subtle hint to the Flying Squirrels representatives to give me a free shirt because I have never managed to be in the line of fire during those t-shirt toss things. I mean it’s just not fair.

6 AND they manage to clean the field while they’re at it!

This is not sarcasm, I’m genuinely wondering where. The Squirrels only do it a couple of times a month, I’m wondering if there’s somewhere else I can go to watch fireworks in the meantime.7.1 


7.1 Look, I’m not always sarcastic, and now I’m actually a little offended that you thought I was being rude towards the Flying Squirrels and their fireworks display.7.1.1 


7.1.1 Sorry for my outburst. I’m just a little hungry. Sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.

 

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Dogsitting

This week, my mother is out of town for some important media trip, and has asked me to dogsit for her.

Which is a task I dread every time I have to do it. And I want to be a good daughter, because she raised me and still supports me and has been there for me when I’ve needed her and blah blah blah. But every time she asks, I cross my fingers for an excuse not to do it because frankly, dogsitting for her is a fate I wouldn’t bestow upon anyone.

 

  • First of all, the best part about housesitting or dogsitting for anyone is raiding their snacks. But everything she has is so gosh darn healthy, I don’t even know what to do with it.

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  • In fact, I can barely find any space to put my REAL food.

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  • Okay, but no big deal. As long as she has coffee, I’ll be fine.

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But…a jigsaw coffeemaker!?!?

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But who invented this
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Maybe if just shut it really hard
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Maybe it just figures it out itself
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Maybe I’m thinking about it too much
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Close…
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…enough.

 

  • Oh and another thing. My mom has one of those iSmartAlarm alarm systems, so she’s alerted whenever a door or window has been opened. Therefore she knows whenever I get home at night, whenever I get up in the morning, and if I’ve stayed out all night partying without coming back to feed the dogs.

 

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It’s like dogsitting for Big Brother.

 

  • And I can’t even try to get anything done with this face looking at me the entire time.