My Really Handsome and Kind and Intelligent Brother Tries Online Dating

Over Labor Day, my family took our annual let’s-bond-with-each-other vacation, this year to Chincoteague Island.

Yes! In case you were wondering. We saw horses

And dolphins

And an eagle 

It’s there, I swear

We also ate a lot of ice cream and tacos, and we played board games where I did something hilarious that made everyone laugh and laugh.

But enough about that. Let’s cut to the chase.

Let’s talk about my brother and the ride home.


During our ride home, I was banished to the backseat with my brother Brian. I don’t particularly care for long car rides, especially when I know there will be traffic to sit through, so I packed my bag with books and my phone with podcasts and my head with philosophical quandaries.

But Brian had other plans for the ride.

I don’t know if it was the influence of the weekend vacation, or the dread of the looming four-hour-plus-holiday-traffic car ride, or the fact that my mother keeps asking us when we’re finally going to stop disappointing her and give her grandchildren, but right then and there – with the fresh Chincoteague air at his back and technology at his fingertips – my 33-year-old brother decided to join online dating.

My 33-year-old charming, muscular, caring, hardworking, respectful, good-with-kids brother, for all you ladies out there.


First he downloaded Bumble.

“That one is good because the girls have to talk to you first, so that way you don’t seem pushy and you can just sit back and wait to see who’s interested,” was something similar to what I said when I was explaining the benefits of Bumble to him.

“Okay,” was how he responded, I think.

After he did the whole download thing, the Bumble app starting spewing all of this information at him about how to use their app. Then they showed him a sample girl, named Alisse, who graduated from some university in Pennsylvania and takes her hair and makeup and selfies very seriously.

THEN Bumble tried to make him buy Bumble Coins so that he could message girls like Alisse. 

But not the actual Alisse because we think she’s fake.

But he couldn’t figure out how to proceed without purchasing Bumble Coins (he’s fiscally responsible! Ladies!) so he left the app for good and downloaded…


“Tinder is good because the set up is easy and you can just swipe a bunch and it makes your thumb stonger,” is probably similar to how I explained the benefits of Tinder.

“I see,” I think is the way he responded to that.

I sent him all of the pictures I had of him – like the one of him at our cousin’s college graduation (supportive family member, ladies!), or the one of him drinking a beer (so manly!), or the one I had just taken of him looking cool in the backseat of the car (looking cool!).

Then Tinder did all of the tutorial stuff to show Brian how to use their app. They started getting “all up in his grill” (no one used these words, I just felt cool typing it out) about Tinder Gold and Tinder Plus, and he got so overwhelmed by all the money they were encouraging him to spend that he left the app for good. 

And downloaded…


“This one is cool because on top of a profile, it makes you answer those kinds of questions your freshman year RA asked to help you get to know your dormmates better and feel more comfortable about your upcoming college experience,” I explained really well in words similar to these.

“Oh, that was explained really well,” he definitely said.

So he uploaded those pictures of himself looking like a supportive family member, and of himself looking manly, and of himself looking cool, and then he answered some generic-get-to-know-you questions (“What three books would you bring if you were stranded on a desert island forever?”) and we all sat back and waited for the matches, dates, and grandchildren to roll in.


I got the opportunity to catch up with Brian two weeks after the initial Hinge download. Let’s see how things are going!

Well, if anyone knows of someone that would like to date my friendly, confident, strong, nice-to-animals, usually-tidy, knows-how-to-make-chili brother (who parents absolutely love!), please let me know!

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