If I Wrote for BuzzFeed

You know, just the other day, I was thinking: what if I got to write for BuzzFeed.com?

You know BuzzFeed: the premiere clickbait news source, that gives listicle-based tips and articles on everything you didn’t know you needed to know, from advice on skincare products you probably don’t need to what every celebrity looks like without makeup to the Art of the Stroopwafel.

I thought to myself – at the exact time that I was thinking to myself “what if I got to write for BuzzFeed.com” – I thought to myself: boy, I’ve got loads of useless tips, tricks, and insights to pass along to the people of the world. I bet I could take a crack at this listicle clickbait.

Interested in bringing me on board, BuzzFeed? This is what you’ll get.

Education

31 Emojis You Didn’t Even Know Existed!

🍚 A bowl of white popcorn

🏝 A pretty painting

👡 The sensible option

🎽 Hall monitor 

🌀 If you need to hypnotize someone

🌾 Some sort of grass streamers

🌫 When you look out of your airplane window on a cloudy day

⁉️ For when “!?” is not enough

🌰 A deformed Hershey Kiss

🐿 Eating the Hershey Kiss

🗺 This is a map, which used to give you directions but now serves as eclectic wall décor

🎟 A drink ticket at a craft beer festival

🗿 Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple

⛲️ A beautiful fountain at dusk

🏏 Some sort of ancient sporting activity

🌋 Uh oh!!!

💾 What the heck is this thing

📼 Or this thing??

🛌 Shhhh.

🕴 A skinny man

📬 “You’ve got mail” haha that’s both a technology and a movie reference

👣 Footprints In The Sand

⛓ Kinky!

📝 Tried to read it but I couldn’t

🈵 Tried to read it but I couldn’t

📿 A cat toy

💤 For someone who is boring you

📆 I wish this changed every day

🛋 This is a sofa next to either a lamp or a piece of retro décor

🔖 Luggage tag

🌄 Another pretty painting

Life Hacks

27 Common Household Devices That Can Be Used as a Fork If You Run Out of Forks

Trying to eat your salad but you’ve run out of forks? Don’t throw your dinner away just yet! We’ve got 27 household devices to use in place of a fork for those moments when you’re in a pinch.

Your hand

A cheese grater

A plug

This metal crab wall hanging thing

Wait, did we say 27? Ha, ha! We meant 4.


Did You Know?

7 Pictures of Billie Eilish That Prove She’s Actually Miley Cyrus

This is a picture of Billie Eilish, but somehow we here at BuzzFeed are just not convinced…

If I didn’t know better, I’d say those teeth look like Miley’s

Miley also makes this face a lot

This is Billie Eilish standing next to Liam Hemsworth, who Miley used to be married to…

And here’s Billie standing next to Miley’s dad!

Wait a second, doesn’t Miley have these exact same tattoos?

Or is Billie Eilish actually Hannah Montana?

Game Changers

10 Products That We SWEAR Will Change Your Life

An Umbrella

Hate getting wet when you’re walking through the rain? This transportable bad boy will keep you dry even when the weather has other plans.

A Calendar

Do you constantly feel like you’re forgetting about important events – like social gatherings, dinner parties, or work? This thing will keep your schedule organized and your life on track, guaranteed!

Lip Balm

Dry lips don’t have to be something you just get used to, people! One quick smear of this stuff and life with chapped, stinging lips is O-V-E-R.

Fire Extinguisher

Is your house, stove, car, or other important area on fire? Don’t give up while it rapidly depletes into a pile of ash in front of your eyes! Grab a Fire Extinguisher and stop the problem on your own – no sexy fireman or Dalmatian required!

Paper Clips

It can seem really unprofessional to hand your boss a stack of papers held together simply by your own two hands. Let these thin metal devices do the work for you. Is this the year you get the Most Organized Employee of the Year award?

Toothpicks

Got something in your teeth and your tongue just isn’t doing the trick? Give it a little toothpick treatment. And! They can be used to pick up samples at Costco!

Sunscreen

Tired of layering up at the beach to keep your skin safe from the sun? Lather on some of this magic potion and kiss that woulda-been-sunburn goodbye!

That Free Squeegee Thing They Have at Most Gas Stations

Is your windshield suffering from bird poop, dead bugs, or just general highway sediment? Next time you get gas at your local gas station, ask a staff member about their That Free Squeegee Thing They Have at Most Gas Stations! Your car will thank you!

A Broom

Got stuff all over your floors that you don’t want or need? You don’t HAVE to just live with it, folks! Grab A Broom and get to sweepin’!

Ice

We all hate warm drinks. Admit it! But it doesn’t HAVE to be a problem. Drop a piece (or two! Or even three!) of ice into your favorite beverage, and sit back while science does its thang.

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