Don’t Mind Me, Just Making Some Babies

I was eating eggs for breakfast the other morning which reminded me that I’m already in my 30s and my fertility isn’t getting any stronger as the days tick by.

Or maybe it was my mother that was reminding me about that. I can’t remember.

Either way, I decided it was time to turn to the internet.

No, I didn’t join an online dating site. I put a call out to all half dozen of my Facebook friends to see who would like to apply to be my baby daddy or mama.

Thanks to the magic of technology and MakeMeBabies.com, I can determine who will make the most attractive parent to my child before having to waste time dating and planning a wedding and falling and love and all that stuff I simply don’t have time for as a 31-year-old childless woman.



TAYLOR

Taylor likes to tan and go to the gym and I like tan and toned babies so this might work out really well for our mixed race child of two white people.



SARAH

I told Sarah our baby would be super hot. Turns out I was right.



ANOTHER SARAH

This Sarah just got married a couple of months ago but I’m hoping the sight of our baby will make her change her mind, particularly with this fashion sense that it has.



RYAN

Ryan and I actually already have a baby together. We adopted him on Halloween night in 2011, his name is Carlos. But Ryan threw him away during one of those “Marie Kondo” kind of purges a few months ago. Here’s hoping this baby actually manages to spark some joy in her father.



NATHAN

Nathan is really into pretending he’s holding a gun, and it appears as though our baby has inherited that passion.



ZACH

Zach was the first one to message me about this baby-making business, which I think earns him bonus points because of prompt responsiveness, and that is important in a baby daddy. Plus our child will be born with a full head of hair, so that’s pretty cool.



ALEX

Alex makes really good bread so maybe our baby will taste like bread and I can eat it so I won’t have to deal with all the crying and diaper changes and stuff.



ANNE

One time Anne and I played lesbian teens in love during an improv show and if those lesbian teens were real and grew up to procreate together then this is what would happen.



CHARLES

I like carving pumpkins and Charles likes feather boas so it only makes sense that our baby likes dressing up like a bunny.



JORDI

Jordi and I met while both nannying in Australia, which I assume means our baby will have an Australian accent and I think that would make up for its weird colored hair.



LAURA

If modern-day Laura Kelly and eighth-grade Rachel Marsh had a baby, it would look like one of those newly adopted children in a horror movie who everyone thinks is just upset about losing her parents but is actually possessed by a demon.



PHIL

I’m not sure if the baby-making technology picked up Phil’s face or his dogs but I’m not upset either way.



STACEY

Because of Stacey’s love for TGI Friday’s, she told me she thinks our baby would just be the Friday’s logo with brown hair and glasses. While that’s not entirely accurate based on the results, I can definitely see this child serving loaded potato skins at TGI Friday’s one day and that would make both of her moms proud for sure.



JASON

Jason has a really good sense of humor, which will come in handy when we’re struggling to love a child who looks like this.



RYAN

I’m going to send the picture of this baby to Ryan Gosling and then ask him for child support and see if it works.



KATHLEEN

Kathleen and I make babies with a face only a mother could love, and since this baby is so ugly that mother, I’ve decided, will be Kathleen.



BILL

Bill likes to travel and so do I so even though our baby has a pillow-shaped head and is a different race than us for some reason, it will be very well cultured.



BRITTANY

Brittany and I have been married on Facebook for over ten years which in legal Facebook terms is common law so this would be the only legitimate baby I could have, and that would make my grandmother happy.



ME

I’m sure one day modern science will figure out a way that you can have your own babies without the help of anyone else and I just wanted to get a head start on seeing what that would look like. Turns out I have a redhead gene I didn’t know about.

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One comment

  1. I think my baby and Charles’s baby got switched at birth. Then again, our baby does have my bigass head. Oh, and you should know, that first baby is definitely part Kilingon.

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