Got Milk? Milk Straws, That Is. I Don’t Know. I’m So Sorry. I Couldn’t Think of a Better Title.

You know those occasions in life where you’re in a very unexpected situation and you wonder what previous decisions you made that led to this exact moment? And you’re not exactly sure how you got there?

Like, for example, sitting at your dining room table surrounded by three cartons of milk and four packets of flavored Milk Straws1?

1Milk Straws: “Stick one of these straws into a glass of milk, and the milk you sip through the straw becomes whatever flavor straw you’re using.”

I think it had something to do with the time my friend sent me a picture of the Milk Straw product and asked if I’d be willing to try them with him.

And I then suggested getting together and tasting them against different types of milk.

Okay so maybe I do remember how I got there.


THE NIGHT IT HAPPENED

My fellow Milk Straw Tester was in charge of obtaining the most important part (the milk straws), since I didn’t even know where to begin to find such a novelty.

Lucky he knew a guy, named Amazon.

I was in charge of the milks. Because I knew a guy, named Kroger.

I chose…

Skim milk: a nice neutral base.

Chocolate almond cashew pea milk: I don’t know why, but it sounded pretty intriguing. Also it has 10 grams of protein per serving, which is important for health!

Banana almond milk: this was an obvious choice. Once I discovered this milk, I’ve been buy two cartons at a time. And I only shop at a particular Kroger now because none of the other locations sell it. I once almost wrote an entire blog post about how much I love this banana almond milk but I was too busy drinking banana almond milk to write it.

So one evening last week, we got together to make the Milk Magic™ happen.

In case you couldn’t tell, I don’t know how to use photoshop. Also in case you couldn’t tell, we got high before doing this.

Oh, and here’s his version if you’re interested in comparing our experiences.


First, we started with the vanilla straws. This is what they look like by themselves so you don’t get confused:

Vanilla Straw Smell

It smells like vanilla chapstick you get from Claire’s when you’re in middle school, or your car after accidentally leaving McDonald’s soft serve in it while you spent the day at the pool.

Smell rating: 2.0

Vanilla Straw + Skim Milk

It tastes like vanilla ice cream if someone had an idea to pursue a career of making vanilla ice cream but then changed their mind mid-batch.

Rating: 0.5

Vanilla Straw + Banana Milk

If I’m being honest the banana almond milk couldn’t possibly get any better so don’t hold it against the vanilla straw because it sure put up a good fight.

Rating: 8.75

Vanilla Straw + Chocolate Milk

The vanilla masks that weird almond milk taste so now it just tastes like regular good chocolate milk rather than not as good chocolate milk, or chocolate milk with a slightly weird taste if that makes any sense, which I think that it does.

Rating: 9.0


Then we moved on to the strawberry straws.

Strawberry Straw Smell

Smells like if you made someone try to replicate the smell of a strawberry without ever actually trying one in real life.

Smell rating: 1.5

Strawberry Straw + Skim Milk

Tastes like that strawberry milk you always begged your mom to buy and then she’d get mad when she bought it and you didn’t drink it because you suddenly remembered how bad it was.

Rating: 1.0

Strawberry Straw + Banana Milk

Do those Halls Fruit Breezers exist in strawberry banana flavor? If they did, this is what it would taste like.

Rating: 8.0

Strawberry Straw + Chocolate Milk

Like Valentine’s Day, but for people who don’t want to spend a lot of money on romantic stuff.

Rating: 5.0


Next up: chocolate straws. This is what they look like:

Chocolate Straw Smell

This straw smells like nothing, I’m totally serious.

Smell rating: N/A

Chocolate Straw + Skim Milk

It tastes like skim milk.

Rating: 2.5

Chocolate Straw + Banana Milk

It just makes the banana milk taste a little off, like you left it in the car during swim practice one afternoon – but not on a hot day, like a slightly chilly day.

Rating: 5.0

Chocolate Straw + Chocolate Milk

It’s just fine, but I said that about the original chocolate.

Rating: 7.75


For the final round, we moved to the cookies & cream straws. Here’s a picture:

If you’re thinking cookies & cream is just chocolate and vanilla mixed together, it is. If you feel duped, you should.

Cookies & Cream Straw Smell

It smells like a muted version of the vanilla because the scentless chocolate morsels work to diffuse the smell of the vanilla. So yeah, that’s a rip off.

Smell rating: 1.0

Cookies & Cream Straw + Skim Milk

It wasn’t good. I don’t know what else to say about it.

Rating: 0.75

Cookies & Cream Straw + Banana Milk

It tastes like if one of the employees at the banana almond milk factory brought their kid to work on Take Your Daughter to Work Day and that kid did something weird to the banana almond milk but no one could quite figure out what.

Rating: 5.5

Cookies & Cream Straw + Chocolate Milk

Tastes like an off-brand off-brand Oreo.

Rating: 6.0


JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER WE DECIDED TO DO A BONUS ROUND AND THIS IS IT.

Because we are geniuses, but mostly because we were stoned, we decided to mix the chocolate and banana milk together and try each straw again. Welcome to bonus round.

Meticulous note-taking so we don’t forget anything

Vanilla Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

The vanilla straw just enhances the taste of the beverage, kind of like salt to soup.

Rating: 1.5

Strawberry Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

This tastes exactly like a bowl of overpriced Dippin’ Dots from a mall kiosk, except it doesn’t give your mouth freezer burn which earns it an extra point in the rating system.

Rating: 8.0

Chocolate Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

It’s like a SlimFast shake, but one of those fancier flavors you get when you’re making a last-ditch effort to stay on the SlimFast diet because you haven’t lost any of the 60lbs yet.

Rating: 5.0

Cookies & Cream Straw + Chocolate Banana Milk

It somehow cuts down on the banana flavor which is stupid.

Rating: 5.0


Later, my Milk Straw friend told me that his hookup Amazon told him about “Water Magic Straws,” that come in flavors like raspberry, piña colada, and cherry cola.

Looks like my life may be finding itself in yet another unexpected situation…

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One comment

  1. 1. The chocolate straws are weak as hell. I was wondering if you would notice it too, and you sure did. What I used to do was suck the milk into the straw, but stop and hold it there for a while with the straw filled – to give it time to soak in. Still weak, but it helped.
    2. That fancy Slim Fast flavor for me was Cappuccino Delight
    3. After reading this, I immediately ordered a set of “Berry Blast” water magic straws

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