MY SECRETS…No More

Recently, due to some very unexpected yet serendipitous circumstances, my middle school diary found its way back into my life.

Throughout the years, in between divorces, moves, and purges, I thought this diary – of which I shared my most intimate thoughts about boys, friends, boys, school, boys, puberty, boys, gossip, and boys – had gotten lost in the shuffle, never to be seen again.

But it has recently resurfaced, bringing with it a bounty of memories of my thoughts, my dreams, and my emotional hormonal roller coaster.

Fortunately, as an avid writer since childhood, I never let a single life milestone (read: crush) go unwritten about.

The diary says “My Secrets” on its cover, but I’m busting open the lock (yes, there’s a lock) and unveiling “My Secrets” once and for all.


These entries are about a boy that I had a crush on in seventh grade. This is going to become very obvious very soon, but let me first say that I was intensely shy, especially when it came to boys – even though I consistently had a crush on like six of them at a time.

Friday, 1/26/01

My birthday is in one week! YAY! And I will be THIRTEEN!! But I have strange news … somebody “likes” me (supposedly). His name is Andy. I sort of like him. Ashley claims that he likes me. Whenever I look up at him he’s staring at me, so I guess it’s true.

Real subtle, Andy.

It would be kinda nice to have a boyfriend. I really like Keith W-lliams*, but I guess ya can’t have everything in life!

*Name has been scrambled to protect the subject’s privacy from having to be associated with this time in my life

I’m getting my room painted tomorrow (actually, Mom and I are painting it!). We already painted the walls (sky blue), so tomorrow we’ll paint the trim. There’s a lot 2 tell, but I don’t feel like writing anymore. Maybe later.

Monday, 1/29/01

I’ll make this short. All I want to say is Ashley said she’s gonna ask Andy out for me on Thursday.

Yes, I had to have my friends ask boys out for me.

Sometimes I wish they’d still do that.

I wonder how it’ll go? I’ve never had a boyfriend (of course) and I don’t know what to do!

Your friends can do it.

I sure am glad Ash is my friend. I need friends like her! We’re going to the movies on Sunday and she’s inviting Andy to come. She and Nicole say he’s my “birthday present” from them!

Which seems like kind of a cop out of a birthday present now that I think about it.

I’ll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

Friday, 2/2/01

Today is my birthday!! We’re going to the Melting Pot. Okay, so something really freaky happened today. It’s sort of a long story, so I’ll start from the beginning. Ashley seemed to think that Andy and I would make a cute couple. She also said that he liked me (because he asked her “do you know Rachel Marsh?”).

Real subtle, Andy.

So she invited the whole “clique” to the mall and the movies. That includes: N-cole*, A-hley*, K-le*, C-roline*, M-key*, G-nny*, A-drew*, D-na*, Me, and A-dy*.

*Names have been scrambled to protect subjects’ privacy from having to be associated with this time in my life

So anyways, today after science, Andy said, “Rachel! I can go.” At first I thought he wanted to walk with me to 3rd period and he was ready to go. So I said, “What??” And he said, “I can go.” I suddenly realized he meant to the mall on Sunday (I may want to mention that Ashley gave him a note yesterday inviting him to the mall)

I literally couldn’t even hand him a note.

And I said

Are you ready for this?

“Okay.”

And he said, “What movie are we seeing?” And so I

Are you ready for this?

Shrugged and walked out of the room.

Really knew how to hit that sweet spot between hard-to-get and completely apathetic.

I’m really psyched about Sunday. I hope things work out with me and Andy and we really hit it off! I’ll tell you how it goes. I gotta run!!

And then I drew a heart with our names in it, due to my blossoming creativity.

Monday, 2/5/01

Okay, Sunday was soooo cool. Did anything, like, happen? No. I’ll tell you everything though. **Daydreaming** Okay, done daydreaming. Okay anywayZ…

(sic)

I went to Ashley’s at noon and she sort of fixed me up.

I.e. turquoise eyeshadow

We then picked up Nicole and went to the mall. **Pause** **Thinking about Andy** Okay, so when we got there, Caroline and some other people were there. Including ❤ Andy ❤ . The girls got in a group and talked and laughed. Then ❤ Andy ❤ came over and said, “Hey.” And I said

Are you ready for this?

“Hi.” Then he asked what movie we were seeing and I said

In this really coy yet confident manner

“Miss Congeniality.” Then he went over to talk to the guys.

Probably because I immediately turned my back to him once his questions were over.

Ashley told me to sit next to him during the movie, so I did.

Definitely wasn’t planning on it otherwise.

The whole time she kept trying to get me to move closer to him. He was, as she said, leaning pretty close to me. Finally, once, she pushed me when I was off guard right into ❤ Andy ❤ .

My first shoulder touch with a boy!

I started whispering madly to her about how stupid that was (kidding, OC).

That stands for “of course,” unless I was somehow predicting the rise of the hit show TV series, The OC, starring teenage heartthrobs Mischa Barton and Adam Brody.

After the movie the boys just left us and went to Software, Etc.

Anyone remember that place?

Nicole, Ashley, and Caroline kept trying to get us together, like to hold hands or something.

Excuse me, I don’t know if you saw that accidental shoulder brush earlier?

Both of us are very shy,

By the way

so we didn’t. Another thing that happened was when they were in Software, Etc., ❤ Andy ❤ paid little attention to the stuff, but mostly I saw him watching me.

Real subtle, Andy.

The girls were trying to get me to make a move, then they tried to get him to. And he left while we were at the arcade.

Probably had something to do with his crush not even acknowledging his presence.

At school today in social studies, he looked at me some.

Creep.

I tried not to make eye contact with him

He can’t know I like him back!

So when I thought he was looking, I turned away.


Um, this may come as a surprise, but Andy and I never ended up dating. Or, in fact, talking to each other again – not even another riveting conversation like the Miss Congeniality one we’d had at the mall.

I think a lot of it had to do with his emotional immaturity, commitment issues, and uncomfortable staring habits.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I’m still single.

By the way, could someone deliver a note for me?

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