Say “Yeah I Guess” to the Dress

Confession: this past week, I’ve watched more Say Yes to the Dress than I previously had in my entire life combined – including that one time when I was babysitting and couldn’t figure out how to work the family’s TV, forcing me to sit through TLC’s SYTTD marathon all night.

If you’re not familiar with Say Yes to the Dress (lucky you), this show follows future brides during their wedding dress try-on session. The brides bring a posse, which usually consists of /usually some combination of 1) an overbearing mother who either doesn’t like anything the bride tries on or cries a lot, 2) a jealous sister, 3) a best friend, 4) a brother who works very hard to act like he wants to be there, even when his sister tries on some very cleavage-enhancing gowns.

Occasionally the fiancé himself gets invited too (which never goes well because he’s always the most obnoxiously vocal one of the group).

I’ve learned a lot from this experience (including the decision to just wear one of the dresses I already have in my closet whenever I get married), and managed to record my favorite highlights.

Oh, I almost forgot – if you’re wondering WHY I did this to myself, it was all in the name of art and research … and now for the very related shameless plug: mark your calendars for the Coalition Theater’s Valentine’s Day show on Feb. 13-15!

My Favorite Quotes from the Say Yes to the Dress Era of my Life

“You don’t look like a hippo.” – The future bride’s really encouraging mom

“A turtleneck has no business on a wedding dress.” Preach.

“I’m okay with the $16,000 price tag. It’s like my one day.” – Someone with a much different concept of money than I’ll ever have.

“A bride arrives hoping to be transformed into a princess for her fairytale wedding.” This woman was in her 50s.

“As long as it shows her junk in the trunk, it’s all good.” – Further proof that the groom-to-be shouldn’t come dress shopping.

“I feel like I’m wearing my grandmother’s nightgown.” Plot twist: she was! (jk but how funny would that be)

“I’m never going to find the right dress.” – Literally every bride at some point during the show.

“You’re not going to a nightclub.” – Mother of the bride, in reference to a dress. In her defense, it was super slutty.

“I wasn’t sure if Don was the groom or the father of the bride.” – The bridal attendant, in reference to the 23-year-old bride’s fiancé who was 19 years older than her.

“I wouldn’t want a maid of honor either if she slept with my husband.” Fair enough.

“She makes me feel that things are not always that bad.” – The most romantic thing I’ve ever heard someone say about their future wife.

“You look like a low-budget Cinderella.” She really did.

“Brandon is everything to me. He’s my friend, he’s my lover…” Followed by a long silence because she ran out of things to say about her fiancé.

“I love this one.” – Immediately every bride on “Say Yes to the Dress: Canada” because they’re all so polite and obliging.

“Um … nice restaurants.” – Bride’s answer to the question, “What’s it like dating someone much older than you?”

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a princess.” – Bride-to-be

“I feel like a 21st-century princess.” – Slightly more creative bride-to-be

“I’m going to have a 1950’s-style wedding.” – Like 60% of the brides.

“I’m so blessed to have you as a daughter.” – Every mom whenever her daughter finds “the dress.”

“She needs a white dress. A very, very white dress.” – The sweet, naïve father of the bride.

“I’m considering wearing a white bikini and some hot pants.” Some brides just know what they want.

“I don’t think I’m going to have a maid of honor.” – A bride who thought this was the appropriate time to reveal this news to her best friend.

“Will you be my maid of honor?” – It’s amazing how decisions can suddenly change after finding the right dress.

“I think it looks gorgeous on you, just like you always look.” – A bride’s son who was definitely being fed lines from the producers.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to get a whole new dress.” – A bride who lost 45 pounds after ordering her original wedding dress. Rookie move.

“I think Barbara is a little jealous today.” – In reference to Shark Tank personality Barbara Corcoran telling the bride she looked a little fat in the dress. She did, though.

“You have to look your absolute best on your wedding day, but a red carpet look is hard to beat.” – A celebrity bride with one very big problem on her hands!

“I’m having THE biggest dress catastrophe.” In reference to her post-wedding wedding dress being one size too large.

“I give the pretty sparkles a thumbs up.” – The 7-year-old flower girl that the bride, for some reason, brought to her dress try-on.

“I feel them pinging.” – A bride, in reference to her smiling cheeks. Cute.

“I can just shed a tear, and my dad will be putty in my hands.” – A bride pouting about her dad’s $14,000 budget cap.

“I feel like I can sit in it.” – An important aspect of a wedding dress.

“With Ashley, the ‘girls’ are always out.” – A bitter bride in reference to her well-endowed bridesmaid.

“You look like Jessica Rabbit.” – Something no bride wants to hear, except for this one I guess.

“Like my soul.” – A future bride who insisted on wearing a black dress.

“So, are you saying yes to the dress?” – The line that every bridal stylist reluctantly says at the end.

“Are you saying yes to the dress?” – A mother of the bride who did NOT get the memo that that’s not her line.

“I feel like a bride in this dress.” – A future bride while wearing a bridal gown. So profound.

“Do I look pregnant?” – The bride who decided international TV was the best place to tell her family about some big news.

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