My New Year’s Resolutions

I love the New Year. It’s the opportunity for a fresh start, a new year, a turned-over leaf. It’s a way to eliminate bad habits and create good ones.

As an unmarried, childless twenty-something, I’ve developed my fair share of bad habits – generally formed out of laziness, apathy, or constantly being in a rush. But I’m determined that 2018 will be the year of an improved lifestyle, better habits, and pouring milk into a glass rather than drinking it out of the carton.

That’s why I created my list of New Year’s resolutions. Wish me luck.

  • Eat meals sitting down like a normal person instead of standing over my kitchen counter

This goes back to the whole “laziness” thing. After preparing something to eat, why can’t I just travel the three-foot distance from the counter to the chair? These are the unexplainable questions nobody knows the answer to.

  • Stop biting my cuticles

This has been on my New Year’s resolution list since 2004. 2018 could be the year!

  • Watch something on TV besides Shark Tank

Or Undercover Boss.

  • Learn how to take a selfie

You would think it wouldn’t be that hard.


  • Buy birthday cards ahead of time rather than on my way to the actual birthday party

For some reason, it never occurs to me to get the card until 15 minutes before the event starts. Note: this resolution also counts for, but is not limited to, occasions such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, anniversaries, and baby showers.

  • Get the driver’s side door of my car repaired so that it finally opens from the inside

It does get a little embarrassing as people watch me roll down my window and open the door using the outside handle, or see me crawl across the entire front seat to get out of the passenger’s side, like a bored child at a restaurant.

  • Fill up the Brita pitcher when it gets empty, dammit

Sometimes I think subconsciously, I’m hoping that my Brita pitcher will just learn to do this on its own. I’m beginning to believe that that’s just wishful thinking.

  • Stop putting Texas Pete hot sauce on almost everything I eat

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

  • Learn how to make Minute Rice without ruining it

It’s hard though, you guys.

  • Floss

So I can stop lying to my dentist.

  • Use utensils to eat leftovers

Rather than with my hands, on the couch, in sweatpants

  • Pay attention to the time when I check my phone for…the time

Oh I got a message! Oh I forgot to text my mom back! Oh I need to set my alarm for tomorrow! Oh I wonder if my photo on Instagram got any comments! Oh I need to get back to what I was doing!

Wait, what time did my phone, which I’ve been staring at for half an hour, say?

  • A little less “Taco Tuesday”

And maybe a little more “Salad Sunday.”

  • Grow out my nails to a natural length rather than cutting off the white parts every five days


  • Take the “Are you still there?” message from Netflix as an indication that it’s time to stop watching TV

And then maybe go read a book, or like, actually leave my apartment.

  • Remove my clothes from the dryer when they’re done, clean up after myself in the kitchen, and take out the trash once in awhile

Okay, so I made some New Year’s resolutions for my roommate too.


One comment

  1. I find the Netflix prompt especially condescending when it includes the name of a crappy show you’re watching, like “Are you still watching ‘Chuck?'” It does put things into perspective though. Also I’ve never had Texas Pete hot sauce, but now I’m thinking I should.

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