Why I Wish I Could Grow Facial Hair

I could have as many chins as I want, and the beard would cover up all of them
          -And I would save so much money on a gym membership
I could stroke my goatee as I ponder something
          -And people would actually wonder what I was thinking
My face would be so warm in the winter
I could try out loads of different styles
          -Ever heard of a Chevron moustache?
I would know when 5 o’clock hits every day
I could braid it like Jack Sparrow
          -And add wooden beads
I would never drop crumbs onto my clothes because my beard would interject them all
Halloween would be a breeze
          -Howie Mandell
          -Tony Robbins
          -Tom Selleck
          -Genghis Khan
          -Charlie Chaplin
          -Jack Black
          -Victor Hugo
          -Chuck Norris
          -Cap’n Crunch
          -anyone from ZZ Top
No one would ever mistake me for a recent high school graduate again
          -I know I look young for my age. And I know I’ll appreciate it when I’m older. But until then, I’d like to have a beard that can make me at least look my age, if not a couple matured years older.
Zits? Covered. Literally.
My face would never get sunburned again
I could participate in No Shave November
          -Stop. I know women can technically participate. But I don’t want to be included out of pity.
I could finally fulfil my dream of becoming the next Miller & Rhodes Santa
I could buy a normal winter hat and wouldn’t have to waste time on one of these
I could join the Richmond Beard Elite
I could be intimidating when necessary
I wouldn’t have to get one of those moustache finger tattoos
          -I mean seriously, how painful
I could change my persona almost immediately
          -pencil moustache
          -mutton chops
          -soul patch
          -fu manchu
I could go to the barbershop
I could move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania
I could be in the Guinness Book of World Records

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s