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Why I Wish I Could Grow Facial Hair

I could have as many chins as I want, and the beard would cover up all of them
          -And I would save so much money on a gym membership
 
I could stroke my goatee as I ponder something
          -And people would actually wonder what I was thinking
 
My face would be so warm in the winter
 
I could try out loads of different styles
          -Ever heard of a Chevron moustache?
 
I would know when 5 o’clock hits every day
 
I could braid it like Jack Sparrow
          -And add wooden beads
 
I would never drop crumbs onto my clothes because my beard would interject them all
 
Halloween would be a breeze
          -Howie Mandell
          -Tony Robbins
          -Tom Selleck
          -Genghis Khan
          -Charlie Chaplin
          -Jack Black
          -Victor Hugo
          -Lincoln
          -Mario
          -Chuck Norris
          -Cap’n Crunch
          -anyone from ZZ Top
 
No one would ever mistake me for a recent high school graduate again
          -I know I look young for my age. And I know I’ll appreciate it when I’m older. But until then, I’d like to have a beard that can make me at least look my age, if not a couple matured years older.
 
Zits? Covered. Literally.
 
My face would never get sunburned again
 
I could participate in No Shave November
          -Stop. I know women can technically participate. But I don’t want to be included out of pity.
 
I could finally fulfil my dream of becoming the next Miller & Rhodes Santa
 
I could buy a normal winter hat and wouldn’t have to waste time on one of these
417699_10100438536391464_544910631_n
 
I could join the Richmond Beard Elite
 
I could be intimidating when necessary
 
I wouldn’t have to get one of those moustache finger tattoos
          -I mean seriously, how painful
 
I could change my persona almost immediately
          -chinstrap
          -handlebar
          -pencil moustache
          -mutton chops
          -soul patch
          -fu manchu
 
I could go to the barbershop
 
I could move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania
 
I could be in the Guinness Book of World Records
OG_beardking
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